Past The Storm Clouds

Chapter 35

"Ang lakas ng tama no'n!" wala sa sariling sinabi ni Tasia.

I reached out for another alcohol and let the glass kiss my lips. Ininom ko iyon hanggang sa makalahati ang laman. Tiningala ko ulit si Tasia na kanina pa minumura ang dingding. Humikbi siya kaya wala sa sarili rin akong napaiyak. She stood and went down from the counter. Umupo siya sa kabilang bar stool.

Nasa condo niya kaming dalawa dahil dito ako napadpad ng hindi ko mapaliwanag na kalungkutan. Why am I suddenly so sad anyway? Tasia cried so I felt crying, too.

"Bakit ka ba umiiyak?" naiiyak kong sinabi. "Contagious ang luha mo!"

"Gusto raw ng space ni Trevor! Iniisip niya na gusto ko pa rin si Ram! Hindi ko alam kung break na ba kami o ano," aniya at pinawi ang kanyang mga luha.

"Being in a relationship sucks. You should be like me." Sinubukan kong tumayo para kumembot-kembot. "No overthinking, no problems, no anything!"

She looked at me with doubts. I gave her a cheeky grin as we both calmed down. I felt so dizzy from moving too much.

"Single ka nga pero may hindi ka naman makalimutan. Miserable ka rin," mahinang sabi niya at nakipag cheers sa akin. "Friendship goals tayo, Farah."

Nauntog niya ang ulo sa countertop nang bigla siyang yumuko. The glass she was holding almost rolled down but I caught it before it did. Natapon ang inumin sa akin kaya bigla akong nanginig sa lamig. Pareho kaming gumapang patungo sa sofa para makahiga. But I couldn't do it so I ended up lying down on the cold feathered carpet while Tasia's sitting, her back against the couch.

"Hindi mo na ba talaga gusto si Ram?" tanong ko kay Tasia.

"He's still my friend," she mumbled.

Tumango na lang ako.

"Pero ang tingin ni Trevor, gusto ko pa rin si Ram." She smiled a bit. "Naiintindihan ko naman siya dahil kung tutuusin... I loved Ram first and there's a part of me that still does."

I lifted my sleepy eyes to her. "Well, that's a problem. What will you do?"

"Hindi ko alam..." bulong niya nang nakapikit.

Silence stayed with us for a moment, parehong hinihila na ng antok. Sa tuwing imumulat ko ang mga mata, biglang may luhang dumadausdos. Siguro nga pagod na ako, sadyang hindi ko lang maramdaman.

Kahit naman may mga araw na nagmamayabang ako o nagmamagaling, nagkukunwaring kaya ang lahat at makakabangon din agad... like everyone else, emotions are the hardest battle for me to fight. If I let myself get defeated by these intangible feelings, I'll be completely destroyed. Mawawalan ako ng direksyon, susuko ako, gagawa ako ng mga bagay na hindi ko ikatutuwa.

Then I realized maybe it is why I never want to be an emotional person, why I prefer working rather than resting just because I don't know how to handle myself. I'd like to think it's the same scenario with most people. Hindi ko talaga alam kung paano kaya mas pinipili kong magalit.

Perhaps, It's a coping mechanism that works so well with me. The one I found so compelling.

At this point, I know I'm breaking down. I've been having a breakdown ever since my career's downfall. I was not sure If I was sad or numb. I never want to face it. Kaya nga siguro ginusto kong magpakalasing sa gabing ito. Pinuntahan ko pa si Tasia dahil gusto ko sanang magsabi ng problema pero walang lumabas sa bibig ko.