𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐨 - (𝒞𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓇)

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟏

𝚂𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚘 𝚃𝚘𝚍𝚘𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚒

You've lied to him for long enough, Todoroki berated himself while hugging Bakugou tight as though it would eradicate his preponderance of tears. This whole time, you lied about being fine. If you rejected his request, that would hurt you both. Don't be so fucking selfish. He deserves to know. He opened his mouth to speak, but only visceral sobs and sputtering gasps escaped his lips. Pathetic. No wonder you have nightmares about everyone being disappointed in you.

Neither Bakugou nor Todoroki knew how much time had elapsed, but after what felt like roughly thirty minutes or so had passed, Todoroki's manic, profound sobbing flickered into placid darkness. Todoroki simply stared at the wall while sniffling every now and again as he drank up the nectar of Bakugou's breaths and sublime heartbeat. He felt the familiar, tenuous sting of numbness pervading his body again, but astonishingly, he felt like he could finally breathe again. His mind was hazy from the torrent of tears he'd finally allowed himself to weep, but it was as though a thick, heavy poison had been expelled from his system.

"Feel better?" Bakugou inquired while unhurriedly massaging Todoroki's shoulders.

Todoroki hesitantly nodded; he detested how right Bakugou had been. "I just...don't understand why you love me like this. After all I hid and all you know now, I don't get it. You don't have to be kind to me at all for what I've done, and yet... You don't have to waste your time on me. You don't have to involve yourself with all my depressing shit. I didn't want anyone to find out about my selfish problems..." He exhaled a long, deep sigh.

"You already know the answer, dammit."

"I don't kn-"

"I love you...is what I wanna say, but while it ain't wrong, I want you to live." Bakugou locked their eyes as he lifted Todoroki's head.

"It hurts...so fucking much to live," Todoroki dejectedly sibilated. "My misery that shouldn't exist feels endless. I want out. I'm tired of even just waking up. I'm so tired of living. I just want to die..." Blighted by exhaustion and indifference, his words and voice echoed with what seemed to be the unvarnished truth.

Bakugou narrowed his eyes. "Bullshit. If you just wanted to die, you wouldn't have called me. There's a part of you that still wants to live. I know it feels like it'll never end, but now that you've got all this support goin' for you, give life another shot. It'll take time, and yer gonna have to put in the effort, but being happy again isn't impossible. Fight, Shouto. Keep fighting to make those glimpses of happiness into a reality. You give up, and it's gonna be unbearable. Fighting's real fuckin' tough, but when it comes to life, givin' up's tougher in the long run." He planted a tender kiss against Todoroki's forehead. "I ain't yer enemy. I ain't gonna let you walk this alone. I ain't...gonna lose you like this, Shouto. Let me in, and I'm gonna help you get through this."

I don't know if I believe in myself enough to make it out of this, but I trust you, Todoroki thought to himself as he lifted himself up from Bakugou's chest to fasten their lips together. Katsuki, my cheater, I still trust you, despite everything you've done to me. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid of fucking things up, so until I can let go of the things weighing me down, I'll do what you think is best for me. Once his lips slowly retreated from Bakugou's, he realized that Bakugou was smiling up at him.

Even though I'll always feel awful because of the fact that this relationship exists at all, it's helping me right now. I love his smile... I feel like my heart is melting into sugar in my stomach. I love the way he makes me feel. Ah. Is he trying to make me feel love rather than hate? That's difficult, yet so unbelievably easy. Even so, that doesn't immediately change how difficult it is for me to get up and try to function every day. I still truly do want to die, but maybe I've finally found my answer to this relentless desire. It was right in front of me the whole time. Not love, per se, but it does help.

I know it's not impossible to finally break these chains, but I want an excuse to stop trying. If I don't try, I can't fail, but thinking like this is a failure in itself. I have to try. If I really want to make this agony let up, I have to try. I don't want to. It's so much easier to sleep all day and not do anything at all, but I'm sick of being so pathetic. Right. What gives me the right to choose to be pathetic all the time? I tell myself all of this, but I know it's going to be so much harder to follow through than I want it to be. Even now, I just want to sleep and ignore reality, but I have someone to keep me in check. Even if our relationship really is just a lie out of guilt and selfishness...I'll keep holding on. But I know I'll probably have to let go at one point. It's...just a foolish high school relationship. But I don't want to.

A slender, flimsy smile finally materialized on Todoroki's softened mien. "I love you, and I can't thank you enough for helping me." His grin splintered into a somber frown. "Kat? What if I try again? I wouldn't put it past myself to have a bad day and use that as an excuse to make another attempt. It still sounds so much easier to die. Sorry. I fucked up the moment." He averted his eyes from Bakugou and descried his wrist that had been stitched up; the crushing feeling of desiring to add just one more scar to his collection clamped down on his skull.

Bakugou shook his head and smirked up at his forlorn partner. "Because I trust you not to try again," he snickered before showering Todoroki's cheek with kisses. "Shh. You bet that's how much I trust ya. So, start believin' in yourself for a change. If an asshole like me can, then you can, Shouto. Nope." He pressed his forefinger against Todoroki's lips. "You open your mouth to degrade yourself, and I'm gonna use my tongue as a cork. Hah. Cute-ass face. Fuck it. I'm doin' it anyway." His lips pressed against Todoroki's lips, and his slick tongue slipped between them to claim the territory he'd jubilantly begun to explore again. "Mm. Mgh."

You really shouldn't put as much trust in me as you are, because as I am right now, I'm still highly dependent on cutting to dampen my feelings and thoughts, Todoroki maundered internally while swallowing down Bakugou's ethereal taste. I still can't make healthy decisions for myself, either. But I'm so lucky to have someone like him at all. Someone I trust. Someone I feel comfortable opening up to. Someone I can confide in.

I shouldn't ignore the fact that he cheated on me, but right now, I just need someone I can talk to, and he's that person. Yet another example of falling back into the same loop again and again... Love and hate really can be similar. It's still extraordinarily uncomfortable to be pushed to do the things I've spurned the very idea of, but I can't deny that, in the end, it is helpful. I'm grateful...

With hot rivers of their breaths cascading from their lips, they slowly pulled back from their effervescent kiss. They stared into each other's eyes with silent adoration linking their sunlight-tinged gazes.

"Oi." Bakugou's voice was like a rich stream of golden honey. "Those tears I see in yer eyes again?" He lowered his brows but formed a beatific, relieved smile.

Todoroki promptly wiped the crystalline flowers that threatened to shed their petals from his eyes. "I just... Thank you, Katsuki." He twined their warm hands together. "I don't know if I've told you just how grateful I am for you. I was so focused on myself all the time. So selfish... I'll always hate that about myself. But I just can't help but wonder if I'll really be able to find my purpose for choosing to live."