Sweet Revenge

Chapter 28

"Phi, Gulf shook his head and held Mew's hands captive.

"Tell me, what's wrong Nong?"

Don't go! Please hold me one last time! One last kiss before you leave. He couldn't say it.

"P'Mew," he called as the waterfall continued.

"You have to go sir," the nurse called by the door

"I have to go." Mew walked towards the door and Gulf said

"I-," Mew waited expectantly.

Gulf wanted to ask him to stay with him. He wanted to tell him at some point in their fake relationship of his revenge plan, his feelings got involved; that his heart was now beating for him. But he couldn't say it.

And Mew left.

As soon as the door closed, Gulf bit his lips hard and opened the bandages on his thighs. He wanted something sharp. He needed something sharp. Otherwise he was going to run after him. He was going to hold on to him. He looked but didn't see anything useful then then his eyes landed on his IV needle inserted in his arm. He snatched it out and ignored the blood that spouted out of his arm. He directed the leaking needle on his thigh and traced the tattooed letters on his thigh, making sure the needle was digging deep enough and leaving enough pain to distract him from his desperate mind.

He traced all four letters and this time the blood was no joke. The damage done to his leg was too much. His leg started shaking as blood oozed, coating the bed.

In that instant, a nurse walked in and saw a horrifying picture. Gulf holding a needle coated with blood and blood all over the bed. His thigh looking like it had been shredded open. She screamed and went outside to call for emergency.

Gulf was sedated and got stitches and more blood. The following morning, Saturday, Donald came for Gulf's release as previously scheduled but was shocked when he heard Gulf had cut again but this time enough to get stitches.

He was furious.

Why? What had caused him to cut when he was healing? When he was scheduled to leave the hospital. Forget the medical bills, Gulf's life was was in danger and the hospital couldn't even protect him.

He almost caused a scene because it didn't make sense why he cut again. The nurse told him a man came to see him the day before.

It was obvious it had been Mew.

He wanted to talk to Gulf but they let him know no one could see him until he has been checked by the psychiatrist. Donald was infuriated.

A few hours later, Gulf was seated in a wheel chair opposite the psychiatrist doctor. One leg stretched out to not pull on the fresh stitches.

"How are you feeling? That must have been painful," Dr Vin asked.

Gulf looked down embarrassed.

"It's ok." The doctor said flipping some pages. Would you like something to drink?"

Gulf shook his head.

"Ok then, Would you like to tell me what happened yesterday?"

"P'Mew came." Gulf replied staring into space.

"What did you guys talk about?"

"He left me." Thinking aboutnit again made his heart hurt.

"Is that why you cut again?"

Gulf looked down.

"Do you cut because you're sad that he is someone you can't have?"

Gulf shook his head, "No I cut to stop myself from wanting him. No matter how poor a person can be, stealing is wrong." He referred to their last conversation about a poor person's needs.

"Because it's morally wrong?"

Gulf nodded.

"Then why can't you just move on?"

"I'm gay because of him. I'm gay for him. How can I move on?"

"I see but let's correct something there. You are not gay because of him. He just happened to be there when you discovered yourself. He was just a catalyst, nothing more nothing less. Ok let's take out p'Mew from the frame, think of yourself, do you think it's ok to have feelings for another male?"

The first thought that came in Gulf's mind was a married man having feelings for a high school student. This was not ok.

"No" answered. It was not ok.

Then he thought, not everyone was like his family. There were people like Chet and Atid. People who had a beautiful love story.

"I mean yes," that was ok. These type of feelings he approved of. 

Then he thought of himself having feelings for the person who ruined his life. That was definitely not ok. But then he remembered the emotions he felt yesterday when Mew left. The way he needed Mew to stay.

"I don't know." He finally admitted and this was his final answer. His mind couldn't comprehend what being gay really meant.

"Then until you're sure, don't indulge your feelings. Don't string people along when you can't offer them happiness. If you can't accept yourself then you certainly cannot accept someone else. Think about it a little bit more. Think about yourself and your happiness. Are you really gay or was it a moment of weakness. So until you're sure of what your feelings are, please stay clear of p'Mew that way you won't have to cut yourself like this or feel the need to self harm."

"But I had sex with him, an I not gay already?"

"So many straight boys have sex with gay guys but they remain straight. Your sexuality is not defined by one uncertain encounter. You have to feel it and when you do, you'll not be this confused. You'll not feel the need to punish yourself. There is a difference between having a hard time accepting yourself as a gay person which is usually the case and figuring out if you're gay. You're still figuring it out and there's no pressure. Your mother? She'll understand because she is a mother. Your happiness matters right now and that's what we want to start working on. Not happiness brought by other people, but happiness you feel when you're content with who you are."

Happiness.

Gulf thought.

His happiness?

He imagined it and his mother came to mind.

He smiled.

Then Mew came to mind.

He frowned.

Exactly how was he going to get through this?