In My Head ❌

In My Head - Part 32

The phone took a minute but finally I was able to scroll thorough the details and my heart missed a beat as I saw that the account had been created almost 2 months ago.

I felt sick as I realized that Ant had been keeping secrets from me again and this time those secrets had almost caused him to.... I shuddered refusing to allow my brain to say the words and I pressed my mouth into a hard line as I pressed the return button.

The account didn't have any posts of its own but it had plenty of retweeted posts and I scrolled down my heart breaking even further as I began to read through them; each one was a post someone had made about Ant.

None of them were nice ranging from insults to threats, one of them even claimed that Ant and I weren't even friends anymore and that I only kept him around out of pity.

I felt hot tears burning my eyes as my vision blurred before turning red, how dare people say stuff like this?

They had no idea what he had gone through of the horrible he had been in then; of the horrible place he was in now!

What right did they have to judge him like this?

Another notification popped up something about a post containing a tag that Ant's new account followed and I clicked on it my heart stopping as an image filled the screen.

It was a picture someone had taken of Ant and I last night and I felt my heart stop as I took in the silhouette of Ant's body dangling over the ledge of the building and then my own silhouette desperately trying to pull him up.

The picture was bad enough but the comment below it was even worse, someone asking why I had bothered to save Ant; saying I would have been better off if I had let him go.

The comment made bile rise in my throat and I slammed the phone down onto the bedside table jumping to my feet as I ran over to the bin and grabbed it up off the floor gagging into it as I threw up the coffee from earlier sobbing the entire time.

Why would someone say something like that?

Why would Ant do this to himself, to me, to us?

Why hadn't he told me?

What had I done wrong?

When had I broken his trust?

My head was filled with questions and I sank to the floor clutching the bin in my hands as I sobbed softly doing my best not to wake Ant up as I cried out in fear, helplessness, and loneliness.

I wanted all of this to go away, I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me it was a bad dream.

I wanted Ant back and Stephen as well, I wanted someone anyone to make things ok again but that was impossible; maybe David had been right with what he had said in the waiting room.

Maybe we weren't going to make it through this, maybe this was the end.... this was how I lost my best friend and partner of over 30 years; even if Ant didn't die he would still be just like he was now.

A hollow empty shell with sad washed-out eyes, a horrible soul crushing heart-breaking reminder of everything I had lost, of the man I had sworn to look after, sworn to stand by his side; the man I had failed.

I closed my eyes placing the bin down by my feet and pulling my knees into my chest sobbing as I rocked back and forth on the cold tile floor, Ant had said last night he hated himself and until now I hadn't realized just how much he meant those words.

He hated himself so much he made a fake twitter account crossing himself out of our photo and retweeting hundreds of negative threating posts about himself, putting his self-hate out in the open for the whole world to see.