Starting Over

Chapter 68- Talking with Jordan

“With all of this and everything I have going on every day,” I began, “I’m under so much stress. I have anxiety attacks on a regular basis. I can’t tell you how many times a week I have a complete breakdown.”

“But you can’t. You just can’t lose the baby,” Jordan cried as she pulled me into her arms.

“We don’t want to lose the baby either,” Luke told her as he pulled both of us into an embrace.

“It’s the last thing either of us want. It’s something neither of us want to ever experience,” I told her as tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

“But how do you know you will?” Jordan asked me as she pulled away.

“You know, we don’t for sure, but we know the possibility is very high. I about lost the twins several times and this is a whole new level of stress,” I explained to her.

“It’s not like we won’t take every precaution we can to prevent it, but we also know it’s inevitable with the circumstances we’ve been dealt,” Luke clarified as I leaned my head over against his chest.

The three of us sat in silence. Jordan seemed to be soaking in what we had said and Luke was stroking my hair as I continued to lay against him. I felt my hair and head becoming wet. I knew it was from the tears Luke was crying. All of the sudden I felt Jordan move, but almost instantly I felt her wrap her arms around me and Luke.

“I’m so sorry,” Jordan cried as she embraced us from behind me.

I didn’t know what to say and evidently Luke didn’t either. We continued our silent embrace for a while after that. I’m not sure how long. I was crying, Jordan was crying, and Luke was crying too. I couldn’t help thinking how this will affect her too. I desperately want to be able to be able to carry this child to full term as much as I knew it wasn’t going to be possible.

“How do you do it?” Jordan asked me as she finally broke away.

“What do you mean?” I asked her as I looked at Luke to see if he understood, but he was just as confused as I was.

“How do you just keep on going knowing what will probably happen? You know, with the baby,” Jordan clarified her question,

“She holds it all in until she eventually just explodes. She’s all about making sure everyone else is okay and puts herself on the backburner,” Luke spoke before I had the chance to open my mouth.

“But you can’t do that. You have to do what you can,” Jordan cried both figuratively and literally.

“I am,” I told her as tears started to escape my eyes once more.

“Be honest Bridge,” Luke said, “You are holding all of your feelings about this in. Admit it.”

“Only because making sure the kids make it through this is more important,” I told him, “And not letting anyone get their hopes up for a new life that I don’t believe will make it through the year.” I saw the hurt in Luke’s eyes from the words I had just said. I knew if anyone had their hopes up, it was Luke. Finding out I was pregnant the day after Lee’s passing was probably the only thing that was keeping Luke halfway sane for right now. God help us all when he does completely lose it.

“We’ll see about that,” Luke said trying to hide his hurt, but I could see right through him. He couldn’t hide is feelings from anyone. He has always worn his heart on his sleeve.

“Anyway,” I started directing my attention back to Jordan, “You wanted to talk to us. What did you want to talk about?”

“Why does this always happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve losing my Momma and now my Daddy?” Jordan questioned Luke and I. As I turned to Luke I knew the questions baffled him. This was going to be something I was at least going to have to get started. Hopefully he will be able to help with this, but who knows.