now recalling that night... i stood in the mirror, looking at the red silk dress i had just bought. i turned and adored how it hugged every curve, making me look mature and feminine. i smiled at my image, finally being confident. i grabbed my makeup bag, looking for my usual red lipstick. i easily found it but hesitated picking it up, remembering jay was coming home tonight. i settled for a pink shade and applied it with ease. i walked out of our bedroom and into the kitchen, making sure the food was warm and ready for when jay would show up. i fiddled with my fingers, waves of nervousness washing over me. i hadn't seen jay in a few days. he told me he was staying at the dorm but, after calling jake, i found that it was a lie.
hey jake.
hey kl. what's up?
i was just wondering if jay was there? he said he would be staying at the dorm for a few nights about two days ago.
no, we haven't seen him outside of practice.
oh, okay. thanks
i decided that jay knew best. he wouldn't lie to me unless he had a good reason. but a part of me was worried. while laying in bed that same night i heard his ipad vibrating. i didn't want to invade his privacy but something was telling me i needed to see it. i got up and grabbed the ipad and watched his text messages with his ex in realtime.
jay, when are you coming back?
in little while babe
okay, when do you go back to that little whores home?
on friday
ugh, do you have to?
yes, she's my fiancé. i have to.
when do you plan on telling her about this?
never. after the wedding, this is done.
she'd be so devastated.
all this time you were messaging me.
using her to get over me.
you'll break her jay park
no, she's okay
she understands what im going through
she's good for me
you're just as naive
see you later pretty boy
i shut the ipad off and threw it across the room, not worrying if it broke. all i could think was why? why am i not enough? why can't i do better? i don't deserve him. everything was my fault. that was how i felt. which is why i wanted to fix it. i bought a nice dress, wore his favorite scent, and cooked his favorite meal. i needed to show him that i was worthy. that i can deserve him.
at the time i was blinded. i thought that this was what love was. you helping your partner and sacrificing everything.
the door unlocked and my nerves were at an all time high. i saw his tall, tired body. he had faint pink smears on his face. just make up from rehearsal. he placed his jacket down on a hook and walked straight into our room. no hello, no hug, not even a kiss. he's just tired. i decided to follow him into our room. "hey baby. how was practice?" "fine." "hmm. well i made dinner. and i, uh, i bought this dress. i thought you might like it." "mhm, it's nice darling," he said, not even bothering to look up at me. he searched the room for something. he started to look worried. "what are you looking for?" "my ipad. i need it for work. have you seen it?" "yea, it's somewhere in here. i threw it after seeing your texts." he paused. "you saw what!?" "your texts. it kept vibrating and i knew i had to see it. it's okay. i understand. i need to be a better fiancé." he looked at me, dumbfounded. "so you went through my texts!?" "no. i just saw the recent ones. i couldn't look beyond them. i didn't need to," i said walking out of the room. "y/n, that's not okay! you didn't trust me!?" "of course i did." "i can't believe you right now!" he sat on one of the stools at the bar and ran his fingers through his hair. he was frustrated. it was my fault. "it's alright jay. no need to get upset. it's over with. are you hungry?" "i already ate." "oh. well um, i don't know." he sighed. "you alright?" i said sitting next to him. i gently rubbed his back and looked at his face. "it's just hard. i just can't get out of the old routine. but we're getting married soon so i'll have to get out." i nodded. "well i'm always here. maybe you should stop talking with her?" "no," he said, with slight annoyance in his tone. "you always give me advice and it's never good. don't you know how i feel!? this is hard, okay!?" i stayed silent. "i'm gonna go to bed," i whispered. i got up and went to our room. jay came in after me immediately taking his belt off and hovering over me, pinning me to the bed. "j-jay. not right now." i gently pushed his chest and tried to slip out from under him but he gripped my hip with his hand. "jay," i whispered. i closed my eyes tightly, terrified of what was going to happen. was he going to force me to do what i hated? it was a painful process with him only gaining. no romance, no connection, just pain. it hurt. physically, mentally, and emotionally. "fine. i guess you don't love me," he said as he got off of me and started changing into comfier clothes. "that's not true," i said sitting up. "i do love you. i just don't want to do anything right now." "whatever. if you really loved me you would." he finished changing and went out of the room. i sighed, feeling guilty. i walked into the living room and saw him lying on the couch. i decided to just go to bed and deal with it the next day.
in the middle of the night i woke up and needed water. i saw jay hadn't come back to the room. it hurt me a little but i knew we just needed to settle things and it would be okay. i got up from the bed and just as i was about to open the door i heard sounds from the living room. i froze. reality had hit me. tears fell. i swung the door open and i saw jay with his ex. i couldn't bear to see it but i had no choice but to break it up. "JAY HOW COULD YOU!?" they both stopped and looked horrified. "y/n, please." "NO! IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANNA DO THEN GO AHEAD." I threw my ring on the floor and ran back to my room quickly packing my things up into a suitcase. since jay technically owned the apartment all i had were clothes, makeup, and other things i had brought from my home. i grabbed the suitcase and my phone and left. as i walked out the door i saw jay and his ex fighting. i ignored them and left, crashing at the boys dorm for the night.
it's been about five months since then and after talking with the boys and seeing a therapist i saw what my relationship truly was. for weeks i wondered why not me? why her? why was i not enough? but that soon changed after learning the truth. i was being used. like a washing machine, only using it when need be. tossing me and using me like an object. that's what he did. he used my washing machine heart.
