The Nightly Montage

Unconditional Love

I sipped my espresso. Scanning the shop for signs of pocket thieves, assassins and government spies over the cup's rim, I considered rejecting the offer.

I know your secret. Work with me if you want to know more.

Which secret? I had too many.

A draft blew in from the shop's open door, welcoming another giggling couple. Their well-kept clothes and colourful patterns exuded the wealth that only the shop's customers could afford, myself included. This was a little sanctuary from the outside, an escape from the outside world's problems of food shortages and danger at every turn.

The breeze from outside tickled my bare ringfinger and reminded me of how closely I was walking the knife's edge by staying in this absurd city. No matter where I went, the world was intent on making me conform.

Glancing at the instructions scrawled on my coffee cup, I waved at the barista. "Can I get the special? With whipped cream."

He nodded and continued taking orders from customers.

Nothing happened. I waited one minute. Then five.

I didn't notice the man sitting across the table until he touched me.

"Xinyi," he said softly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I froze. Beneath the fedora was the man I used to love.

Bitterness travelled up my throat but melted into vanilla warmth by the time I spoke. Despite the cynical facade I try to put on, I couldn't help being who I was. I placed down my espresso.

"Shuo. What are you doing here? This place, it's not normal--"

He gently pried off my fingers that gripped his hand. He met my eyes. Even after our break-up, Shuo was as handsome as ever. But he wasn't the same man that I had first met all those years ago.

I straightened. "You should know that I'm not a man, despite what you perceived when we first met. I am neither woman, nor man, and if you can't respect that, then please leave."

He seemed almost relieved, as if he'd expected me to lash out at him or break down at his feet instead. "Of course. Of course, Xinyi."

I wondered if my family had told him that. I wondered what my family thought of me now, after running away only to land in another form of hell.

Shuo placed his fedora on the table. A metal pin on the hat's band caught my eye. Was that...a heart?

He cleared his throat. "So. I'm sure you've observed the fate of those who don't have partners in this city."

"Bullshit. First my gender orientation, and now my marital status? That should have nothing to do with--"

"Listen to me." He leaned in closer. "This is not a question of right or wrong; it is a case of survival. I'm a detective here. In all of the crimes I've investigated, the victims were living alone. They didn't have anyone to protect them. They didn't have anyone to put their faith in while living in a society that naturally pits you against everyone. Do you want to be the next victim of robbery, Xinyi? Do you want to be killed because you happen to have the food that another person doesn't?"

Yes, I had been born with privilege. My family's wealth and influence protected us from the horrors of a food-deprived society. Perhaps that had made me naive. Perhaps that was the reason I walked around without a care for my own safety, looking at the horrors of the world through rose-tinted glasses. I couldn't be happier with this sliver of freedom.

"I'm already risking my life by being who I am," I said through gritted teeth. "You're working for someone, aren't you. You're not doing this because you care."