"Don't act like I'm average."

"Sonder Son"

I paused for a second. I didn't know what to do. 

Did he know about me and Kevin?

Or is it something else?

I just stood there, thinking about the worst way this could go down. My heart was about to beat out of my chest.

"Yeah he's such a-" Kentrell cut himself off.

I broke into a sweat. My heart pounded, and my hand began to feel clammy against my bouncing leg. I was shaking.

Sweating like Spongebob, teeth shaking and shit. I look like a cartoon character. 

Kentrell couldn't tell the amount of stress and anxiety was overcoming my body. It felt as if a tsunami was about to pour down on me.

At the end of the day I still consider myself a horrible person. If Kentrell ever found out how I was.. hell or how I am. I don't know what I'll do, how I'll react, how he will treat me, how.. bad it hurts. 

Every second with kentrell is amazing but when I get him to myself, it's murder. 

Fuck his mind up, waste time, I'm prone to that, I do it all the time. Keep your guard up or wait in line. You don't need me, believe me. This may be the only time I find love. I don't want to lose it. I've never felt this way with anyone. 

This penthouse view ain't as beautiful as you. Won't ever have time but I can make time for you.
I know I used to tell lies but I would never lie to you. 

I felt sick.

"Hey, come follow me into the driveway. Ion' want Taylin to hear me diss another rapper again. Last time I did that he came telling everyone,  'My daddy don't like Kodak, Oh, my daddy don't fw pooh shiesty.' " Kentrell chuckled, leading me into his driveway.

"Hey you good?"

I just nodded as a way of responding. I didn't know what to say. 

As soon as we got into his driveway he began to continue whatever he was saying about Kevin.  

As much as I love Kentrell I realized I'm causing more stress than self love when i'm with him. He's not the problem of course.. All of the things on my chest are. 

All of these lies, secrets, intentions, are destroying me by the second. Catching slight panic attacks cause of an ex? What am I doing to myself..?

I gave it all for a fantasy. A fantasy where Kentrell and I are just cool with my past, a fantasy where I'm using him, A fantasy where I can just forget about my original intentions for him. I was calling him a hoe and shit. What the fuck?

I wanted to make him cry knowing damn well if I had this mindset back then I wouldn't. I couldn't even bare the thought of him crying cause of me. I don't want to hurt him, ever...

"So where was I? Oh yeah, he was so moody and rude last night." Kentrell continued.

"When found you knocked out on the ground, I rushed to go help you. I quickly noticed how he sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes when I was checking your pulse. It was almost like he was annoyed that I was helping you. Do y'all have beef or something? whatever it was he was pretty pissed. " Kentrell shrugged.

"Beef? Nah, we just don't get along that well." 

More lies.. 

Just a second ago I felt like he was about to go off on me. But he was calm the whole time. This is how I know I'm causing my own stress. 

Whenever I'm with kentrell I feel as if I can be myself. Being with him brings out the best of me.. 

It's just the lies, and secrets I made that are causing me problems. 

He stared into my eyes and smiled.

"I wonder why he acted like that?" I played it off. 

You're a fucking failure Brent. And you fucking know it.  You knew exactly why. If only you knew Kentrell... If only you knew.

"You know what Brent, You're pretty cool. You're not really the average type." Kentrell admitted. 

"What do you mean by average?"

"Oh nothing. You're just different than others. When your friend introduced us together I honestly thought you were going to be one of those average guys. You feel me?"

"Yeah.." I fake smiled.

Average guys..? What did he mean by that?

"Well, see you soon?" Kentrell nodded while shrugging his shoulders. 

"Yeah, see you soon." 

-

I felt guilty. I knew the exact reason why Kevin acted the way he acted. Imagine seeing someone who treated you so horribly being helped in such a loyal way.

for once, someone has formed a positive opinion on me. 

And now my old actions are coming back to haunt me in different forms. I'm stressing over the thought of Kentrell accepting the average person I am. The person all of my friends see, the person who has the most hoes, the person who doesn't do "real relationships", the average guy..

The person that breaks hearts, the person who only cares about money and bitches. The person that I use to cover the real me, which I show kentrell. I want Kentrell to accept the real me, not the average one. I want Kentrell to be able to accept the real me without being able to see the average one.

AN: I've been going on certain chapters and fixing them. So if you see any slight changes, it's cause of that. And I might start editing more every week or 2. I just got this big creativity burst, and now I want to update and fix most of my chapters. If this book works out I will do a part two book or whatever. Thanks for reading. 

Oh yeah and don't forget to vote ig