The Ascent

19: Letters & The Best Denial

"Well, I didn't know that part at the time! Not until Uncle Ben invited Lawrence's family over to meet them. That went well," I mumble, and he bites his lip to hold in a chuckle.

"I knew you were acting weird that day," he says smugly like he just knows everything, and I roll my eyes at him again. "If he wants you to stay away from him, I'm guessing you finally figured out your feelings and chose Lawrence," he says, though it comes out more like a question. He scoots down in the bed getting comfortable, looking excited to get the details he's missed while he was gone.

"God! What are you a fifteen-year-old girl looking for gossip?" I ask snidely, and Dante snorts from the corner of the room. We both continue to ignore him as Lucien stares at me quizzically, waiting patiently for my answer.

"Not exactly," I say, giving in to the questioning look on his face. "At this point I don't think either one of them want anything to do with me because I can't seem to figure my crap out. Uncle Ben thinks I already know my feelings, and I'm just in denial."

I see something flicker in Lucien's eyes, and he bites his lip, looking slightly amused while he stares at me. My own eyes narrow at him in warning.

"You better not," I say threateningly.

"Hey, I haven't been around. So, I don't know. I'm just saying... it definitely sounds like you," he says in a placating tone, trying not to piss me off. Too late though.

"Ugh," I groan loudly, yanking the pillow from under my head to smack him in the face with it. I climb out of the bed and stomp towards the door.

"Oh, come on! Don't be mad at me," he whines like a child, but I ignore him. "I'm injured!"

My jaw drops in surprise. He's really going to use that?

"You're fine... Remember?" I say, just before walking out the door, planning to find someone who can tell me if we have plane tickets booked yet. I can't help but grin happily when the sound of Lucien's laughter echoes from behind the closed door.

When we finally pull into the driveway hours later, Lucien and Dante head to his house, while the rest of us go to mine. I plan to go check on him later, but for now, I'm pretty sure he's getting tired of me hovering. The Haltermans all go to the second floor to pack up their things while I avoid them. I don't plan to bother them until I'm one hundred percent sure about my feelings.

Heading up to my floor, I unpack the duffel bag I'd taken with me, throwing stuff where it goes. When I open the top drawer of my desk, I spot the unopened letters from my parents that Uncle Ben gave me when I found out about Dante. With a sigh, I drop into the desk chair, and pull the envelopes from the drawer, finally ready to open them.

All the drama with Sara is over, Lucien's back, and my world is right again. I drop the one from my mom on top of the desk, and focus my attention on the one from Dad first. With a deep breath, I pull the paper from the envelope, and unfold it slowly, like the words inside might jump out and bite me at any second. It's a valid worry. This is definitely going to be painful no matter what these letters say.

Getting words and advice from my parents when they're dead and gone is a blessing, but it's also a curse. Bringing up all that grief and guilt I still harbor from their deaths.

My hands shaking life leaves on a tree, I finally glance down, beginning to read.

Dear Ari,

You reading this means your mother and I are gone, and you know the truth. First, let me apologize for you finding out however you did, and for it not coming straight from us. We should have told you. We always planned to tell you, but this was the greatest selfish act of my life. For that, I'm sorry.