Care to Command

52 Release

Sunday morning, I lie in my bed, look at the ceiling.

There are too many hours in the day ahead.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Haven't decluttered for a while...

Closets, drawers, cabinets. I can take everything out, wipe them down. Toss what I don't need, re-organize the rest.

Hour later, I'm on the floor in front of the hallway closet, rummaging through junk when my phone rings.

"Hey Layla, it's Shushan. How's everything going?"

I freeze. My mind goes blank before it splits.

I like her. She's sweet and genuine.

But I only met her because of him.

Has any of it been real? Who really is she?

"I'm good, thank you. You?"

Does she know? What does she want from me?

"I'm good... are you sure you're okay?"

So she knows.

What does she expect, that I'll tell her my life story? That I'll confide in her about her fiancé's best friend? The guy that's like family?

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Text bubbles appear then stop a couple of times. I lock the screen and go back to cleaning. It rings again, about seven minutes later.

"I know we haven't know each other for a long time, but I really connected with you and I know something is wrong, because Lucas was sleeping on the couch when I came to Lev's this morning. Now he's awake and he doesn't look okay. Which means that you're not okay. And I just wanted you to know, that you have a friend and I'm here if you need anything."

The image of Lucas hungover on Lev's couch is so grim and dramatic, it's almost comical. Is he pitying himself? Throwing a tantrum? Making other people care for him?

What happened to the calm guy who's always in control? Where's the guy who didn't care about anything? Who is this acting for?

I re-read her text message and try to listen to my gut. Can I trust her? What's her motive? Is she just reaching out because she's all alone? Because her fiancé is also controlling? Does she think it's okay?

"Thank you for checking in, I appreciate it. I'm okay though."

She replies right away. "If you change your mind, I've available all day today. We could go to the park and have some coffee. Or tomorrow. Just know that I'm here. I hope you take care."

I sink with guilt that she might actually mean it and here I am being so cold towards her.

She doesn't deserve it.

This is between me and Lucas. I'm so angry at myself that I don't respond. Not now. I can't.

Around noon, Lucas calls two times. I don't pick up.

Then calls again around five. Six. Eight. Ten. I turn my phone off after that and watch movies until my eyes burn.

I email Grant Monday morning and tell him that I need the day off and that I'll only be coming for the meeting then I'll leave.

Dozens of scenarios play in my head of what I'll do if I run into Lucas.

1. Ignore him and walk past him.
2. Stay calm if he tries to talk to me.
3. Stare coldly if he insists.
4. Raise my voice if he touches me.
5. Remember he's a liar if he looks at me softly.
6. Stay strong if he gets angry.
7. Shut my heart if he gets mean.
8. Smile and make small talk with others if he's the one who ignores me.
9. Act unbothered if he talks professionally.