Everything Changes

Chapter Fifteen: Week Before Break

When Juliana finished her first final, she walked back to her dorm listening to music, while also practically having one-hundred conversations with herself.

She was trying to fight the voices in her head that were begging her to hook up with Lavigne. She heard them when she was studying for finals, going to bed, eating dinner... she couldn't escape her thoughts. They were convincing her.

The truth was - what did she have to lose? She liked Lavigne. He was cute, respectful, shared mutual friends... why didn't she just go for it? After all, it was almost winter break. She knew that if things went south, she wouldn't have to see him for an entire month. It was the perfect opportunity. Plus, she needed to teach herself to live on the edge. That was something she hardly did.

And it didn't matter if she and Lavigne weren't in a relationship. It also didn't mean they never would be. The point was - she was in college now. She could do whatever she wanted to do.

And she did just that. She listened to the voices in her head and finally hooked up with Lavigne.

But to her surprise... it was bad.

Really really bad.

Juliana was inexperienced, for the most part, so she wasn't quite sure what bad sex actually meant - but she had an idea. She thought sex with Lavigne was the definition of that.

She was shocked over how dissatisfied she was. She was not expecting that. The day after, she thought he was the reason it was so bad... but then she started to think it may have been her.

Even though she had been having thoughts about hooking up with him, once she got to that point, her head wasn't there. It was something she should have waited to do. She wasn't ready to be intimate with someone else, especially because she wasn't experienced. She wished she didn't listen to the voices in her head, instead listened to her herself. Or maybe if she talked to Brittany about this? She always had honest and reasonable responses, unlike Kara who always wanted her to do things out of her comfort zone.

She thought she may have also forced herself to hook up with Lavigne because she knew he was waiting to. It was like there was a clock ticking in her head. She felt the anticipation. Maybe that was the correct answer to her actions, because she had a history of doing things for other people. She was dumb to think she was over that mindset now that she was turning nineteen next month. She thought she was no longer a people pleaser or a pushover, and that she was her own person and did things for her own benefit.

But clearly, that wasn't the case. She said it herself. She wasn't one to participate in hookup culture. This was out of character for her.

Therefore, she knew that if she had hooked up with Lavigne when she was truly ready, she would feel much better about herself.

And the sex would have been better too.

"I just can't believe it was bad," said Kara as she snacked on pretzels at her desk. To be honest, she was much more surprised than Juliana was. "You guys have so much chemistry. I wonder what went wrong?"

Juliana closed her eyes, lying down in her bed. She was wrapped in her blankets, in absolutely no mood to have this conversation with Kara for the fifteenth time. "I don't know."

"Jeez, I just feel terrible," her roommate frowned as she closed her snack bag. "I think there's nothing wrong with trying again after winter break."

Juliana didn't know how to respond to that. She didn't even know what to think. She turned on her side, facing the wall instead of her roommate. A nap sounded like a good idea. All she wanted to do was forget where she was for a little bit, letting sleep take her into a calm place.