Control my anger || Clexa AU

~ Chapter 19 ~

"Well, what caused her rage?"

I looked at my feet as I started pacing around nervously. "Well, I-- I kinda kissed her," I admitted very quietly.

"You did what?!" She was now really shocked, but honestly I was shocked too. I don't know how I could've been so stupid to think that kissing her, her  from all the people, her  for God's sake, was a good idea. As I didn't say anything more Anya just continued. "Well, in that case, she's either at the cemetary or the pier... but she was at the cemetary not so long ago, she isn't going there too often, so I would go with the pier..." Anya was thinking out loud. "You know which one right? We have only one real, good, kinda old pier. It's her comfort place, she should be there. But, come on, spill the tea to me. You kissed her? Why?" I could hear from her voice that she was really excited to hear all about it.

Knowing Lexa's mom long enough, I knew that I wouldn't be able to run away from this conversation. It's just how she was.

"I'm sorry, miss, but--"

"Clarke, please, quit calling me miss. Just call me Anya."

"Okay. But weren't you busy just a minute ago?"

She quieted down for a while. "You're right. Damn it. I can't really talk right now, but I really wanna hear all about it. Go to the pier, try to calm her down, but give her enough space. She didn't do anything with the anger, right? Didn't hit anything or something like that?" She asked, but I didn't answer. The fresh blood was still on my forehead. "Right Clarke?"

"Well, not really... She pushed me away and I hit my head. But it's nothing bad, just a little cut."

Anya sighed again. "I don't know if it's so nothing for her. Lexa has some serious anger issues. She has huge problems with controling her anger. If she would just walk out of there, it would be much easier for her, but as she actually hurt you..."

"She hates herself for that now, doesn't she?"

"Very probably."

"I saw the self hatred in her eyes. She was scared of herself."

"Go to the pier, but be careful. She won't hurt you again, but she might be really unstable. She is a mess, you already know that. But when I walked in on when you held her while she was crying... that was the first time I actually saw her expressing any feelings since over a year. If anyone could comfort her right now, it's you, Clarke. Just please, call me in about an hour. I need to know what will happen. Be careful, alright?"

I nodded, before I realized that she couldn't see me right now. "Yeah, alright."

The call ended, I quickly got Anya's number into my phone, then I walked out. They lived not so far from the ocean. I didn't have a car with me, I didn't think of calling anyone to get me there, so I just decided to go there on my feet.

And as I finally saw the ocean and the pier I realized that Anya was right. Lexa was there, standing alone at the end of it.

I fastly ran to her. When I stepped onto the pier I slowed down, the last thing I wanted right now was to scare her.

"Lexa..." I said, loud enough for her. I kept my distance just like Anya told me. I knew myself that distance was an important thing when it came to Lexa. "I'm sorry."

She turned around slowly. Her face was all red and wet, the tears were coming out, she had her own arms wrapped around her, tightly.

"I think I might have a panic attack right now. I need you to hug me as tight as you can, I need you to apply as much pressure to me as you can," she said it all on one breath. That's when I noticed that she was breathing very hardly and very fastly. Her breath were short and shallow.

I stood right behind her and wrapped my arms around her as strong as I could. Lexa was much taller than me, so I couldn't see much. I felt her chest rising quickly with every breath.

"Can you feel my chest rising slowly and falling? Do it with me. Breath in," I said and took a deep breath out loud, trying for her to hear it. "Breath out," I let go of the air. She still was hyperventilating. I tried again. "Breath in... breath out." Her breaths became just a little bit slower. I tried once again. "Breath in... breath out." After a few more tries we were breathing at the same pace. I still held her tightly, waiting for her to fully calm down.

When she finally felt ready, she stepped out of my embrace. Lexa turned around to me and her eyes immediately went to my cut and bloody forehead. She made the step to me again. Her hands went up to my face, as her long fingers traced my cut, gently, and the area around it.

I frowned when the slight pain hit me and she immediately took back her hands. But I caught her both wrists and moved back to my face. It felt nice. Contact of our skins, so gently tracing each other.

"I am so sorry, Klork. You have no idea how much. If you are scared of me now and don't want to have anything to do with me, I'd understand. I know my impact. I know that people are scared of me. I've seen the fear in your eyes." Her eyes were slowly watering. "I'm a mess, you know that, we both know that. But I feel like maybe this is it." Her stare that was wandering somewhere behind me finally caught my eyes. Her gorgeous green forest sank into me with so much vulnerability. She was here, right in front of me, opening up to me so fully. "If you want to, I want to give us a shot." She was so close I could see her lips trembling and I couldn't tell if it was because she was nervous or if she was still recovering after the attack.

But I decided to help her, as I stood up on my toes. For the second time today, this time less aggressively, and much more gently I put our lips together. And this time Lexa was ready for that. Her hands moved to my waist, pulling me much closer to her body. It send shivers through my stomach, as the butterflies sat in the pit of my belly.

I moved my hands to her face, one stayed on her cheek, the other slipped into her slightly wet hair. There was no more space between us at this point. Our lips started moving in sync. I felt her mouth opening more, as she deepened the kiss. Her tongue moved across my bottom lip, asking for entrance, that I gladly gave to her, opening my mouth farther to her. Our tongues started fierce fight over the dominance, but her lips were so soothing that I quickly gave in to her. 

Soon we had to move from each other, breathing heavily. I kept my eyes closed for a few more seconds. I opened them slowly when I felt her forehead against mine. Her spiking eyes were looking deep into mine, like she was going through my whole being, looking into the depths of my soul.

She smiled slightly and shyly. "My heart is pounding so fast. Shit, I'm so scared." She chuckled very nervously.

"Don't worry. It's okay. I have a good feeling about this," I said, smiling back to her.

Funny how wrong I was back then. But I was to find out about that later...