Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

XXIX

My memory from the other night was a bit hazy.

At some point, I remember putting her on her hands and knees and taking in the view as she pushed her ass back on me. That was followed by a long period of kissing, scissoring and maybe a little sixty-nining.

But most importantly, I remember in explicit detail, the way it felt to wake up next to her. Having the one person who makes you feel whole, laying in your arms as the sun rises, almost seemed too good to be true.

I remember how pretty she looked that morning. Her eyelashes were blonder than ever, her pupils were big and beautiful. The irises of her eyes were light and gentle. I might even go as far as to call them a little opaque.

Her face is usually puffy when she wakes up and it takes her a while for her to adjust to the morning sun but I find it adorable. And although her hair tends to be messy, it's in a flattering way.

She always looks good. Always.

It's like a superpower.

Thinking about her makes my heart swell.

Oftentimes, I imagine and dwell on the way her eyebrows curve up when she laughs— don't get me started on her laugh. It's contagious and charming and heavenly all at once. I can recognize it from a mile away.

I find myself hoping she laughs out loud whenever she comes across something funny. Not just a stifled chuckle or a small smile followed by a scroll. I hope she stops and takes a second to genuinely laugh out loud. I want her to be happy.

Because I love her.

—

"I love you."

Billie laughs lightly and looks my way, a little taken aback at my abrupt confession.

"I love you too, Lei."

We had been sitting in a comfortable silence for what seemed like hours now, so I'm sure what I said must've been a bit shocking.

In her crimson lit room, Billie was slouched in a beanbag chair, sketching in her notebook and scrolling through her professional photography camera, critiquing her own work.

I, on the other hand, had picked up a random book off of Billie's shelf and began reading it when I got here.

Once I was able to coexist with Billie without either of us exchanging a word to each other, I knew our connection was strong.

"I gotta go piss," Billie announced before getting up and stretching in place.

She walked over to me, cupped my cheeks with her hands and kissed my forehead. "Try not to miss me too much,"

"I'll try," I giggled.

As she neared the door, my eyes landed on something poking out of her back pocket.

I let my curiosity get the best of me and fished it out of her pocket. A grin instantly spread across my face as I stared at the back of, what turned out to be, her phone case.

"Is that me?" I teased.

She chuckled, scratching the back of her neck. "Yeah, who else would it be?"