You're Like Coming Home

31.

"I...I want to help," Meredith said. "What do you want me to do?"

"I need you," Derek whispered. "I know...I'm not exactly me right now, but I do need you, Mer."

"How's your mom?" Meredith asked.

"She's asleep," Derek sighed. "I need to plan and make sure that everything is all set for the funeral, and I have to take care of Mom and the girls."

"I can help," Meredith breathed. "Let me help plan the funeral."

Derek nodded numbly. "He has everything all set," he said. "Kath has it all, but we just need to...do it."

"I'll take care of it," Meredith whispered. "Derek, do you need to be with your sisters?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "Can you...stay with me? Please, don't leave me, Mer."

"I won't," she whispered, pressing her lips to his temple. "I love you, Der."

"I love you too," Derek whispered. "We can do it."

"We can," Meredith nodded.

"Okay," Derek sighed, standing and moving towards the door.

XXXXX

Two days later, Derek stood in front of the freshly dug earth in the cemetery, staring at the ground where his father now lay for an eternity. The day had been the hardest he'd ever had to experience, from giving the eulogy to watching his mother completely break down as the casket was lowered into the ground, and now he stood alone in the graveyard, a bottle of scotch in his hands as he sat down in the fading sunlight of the day.

"Derek?" Meredith's meek voice came from behind him, but he didn't say anything as he lifted the bottle to his lips. "Derek, it's cold out here. Let's go home."

"I don't want to go home," he murmured. "Too much family, people telling me how sorry they are...I can't handle that."

"Okay," Meredith nodded. "We can go somewhere else. But you can't sit out here."

"What does it matter?" Derek muttered. "It's not like anyone cares anymore."

"Derek," she breathed, dropping to her knees beside him. "You know that's not true."

"It is true!" Derek snapped, turning to look at her with anger flashing in his eyes. "You don't know anything about this. I want to be alone with my father."

Meredith inhaled sharply, reminding herself that he was upset, and he wasn't really angry with her. "There is no you," she reminded him gently. "It's we, remember?"

Derek closed his eyes for a moment. "I know, Mer," he whispered. "I just...I need some time with Dad. Please, just let me have this."

"Okay," she whispered, pressing her lips to his cheek. "I'll just...be in the car."

Derek didn't respond as he stared at the ground below him, brooding quietly. He sat still on the grass for a moment before he took a deep breath, knowing that he had to leave. "Bye, Dad," he said softly as he poured the remaining scotch over the overturned ground. "I'll come back tomorrow." He walked back to the car, sliding into the passenger seat beside Meredith. "Let's go," he said flatly.

"Derek," she breathed, looking closely at him.

"Meredith, just drive," he snapped. "I can't deal with this right now."

"Okay," she said softly, putting the car into drive and quickly driving the short distance to his house. Emma had insisted on putting Michael in the closest possible cemetery so she could see him frequently. Before the car was even turned off, Derek was out of the car and storming towards the house, leaving Meredith sitting alone in the car, trying to control her sobs. After a moment, she finally collected herself enough to step out of the car, gasping when she practically collided with Mark.

"Hey," she said, linking her hand through his arm as they walked towards the house. "How are you doing?"

Mark sighed as he looked down at her. "I'm okay," he sighed. "Not as bad as Shep, but... lost. Like I don't know how to live like this, without Michael. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a real dad."

Meredith sighed as they stepped into the house, immediately surrounded by a thick, tense air of mourning that had enveloped the house. "I know how you feel," Meredith sighed. "I felt like I was just about to have a real family. I mean, I know I still do have a family, but...there's no dad. I'll never have a real dad."

Before Mark could answer, there was a loud crash from the kitchen, and Derek's voice bellowed through the soft murmurs that were being uttered throughout the house.

"Don't tell me you're sorry!" he shouted. "You have no idea how it feels to have your father be completely gone forever. "Don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel! It's none of your business! And the only thing in the world that I need right now is to see my father. But don't tell me what's normal to feel. I don't even know you!"

Meredith broke free of Mark's embrace and ran into the kitchen, stopping only briefly to take in the sight in front of her. Derek stood in the center of the kitchen, a mess of sandwiches, plates and cups scattered across the floor at his feet. He stared around the room wide eyed for a moment before they settled on Meredith, and the tears completely sprang to his eyes. "Meredith," he gasped in one single breath before he collapsed onto the floor, burying his face in his hands.

"Oh, Derek," Meredith sighed, pushing people to the side to reach his side, wrapping her arms tightly around him and not caring as she knelt in a pool of wine and soda as she cradled his shaking body in her arms. "You have to breathe, Derek. Just breathe."

"Mer...I can't...can't..."

"Come on," Meredith sighed, shooting Mark a pleading look. "Let's go upstairs. We don't have to stay down here."

Mark moved forward quickly to help Meredith lift Derek to his feet. As they made their way towards the stairs, Derek shifted his weight onto his own feet and wrapped his arms tightly around Meredith."

"Mer," he whispered. "Can we...alone?"

"Of course," she nodded, squeezing him tightly. "I've got him, Mark."

Mark clapped a hand on Derek's shoulder before he ran a hand through his own hair, walking back to where Derek's sisters were huddled together at the kitchen table.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked as she settled him into the bed, moving to pull his shoes off of his feet and slipping his jacket over his shoulders.

Derek shook his head as he opened his arms for her. "I'm not okay," he said. "But I just need you."

"I can give you that," Meredith said as she crawled into his arms. "Derek, I wish I knew what I could do to make this better to you."

Derek sighed as he buried his nose in her hair. "There's nothing that will make this better," he said softly. "But this...it's helping."

"Are you sure?" Meredith whispered, running her hand through his hair. "I'm not really doing anything."

"You are," Derek sighed. "Just being up here with you...I can't be down there, Mer, I can't listen to people tell me that they're sorry and I'm holding up well...I just need to be here with you because you're you and I love you."

"Okay," Meredith nodded, trying to hold her own tears back as she settled her head back on his shoulder. Derek needed her right now, and she couldn't let herself break down, not when he needed her so badly. She had to stay strong for him.

"Mer," he breathed in deeply, his breath shaking. "How...are you okay?"

"I'm...I'm fine," she said, trying to hold her voice steady as she tightened her arms around him. "I mean...not fine, because I loved your dad, but I'm better than you because he was your dad and you were...you don't know anything besides him."

"Yeah, but you were close to having a dad," Derek murmured into her hair. "He really loved you, Mer. He made sure to tell me that every time we talked."

"Derek," she gasped as she tried to suppress her sob. "I can't. You need...he was your dad, and I need to stay strong. Because he's your dad, and you need someone to take care of you, so...I can't." As the words came out of her mouth, a loud sob accompanied it, and Derek tightened his arms around her.

"Mer," he gasped, tears falling down his own face. The two of them lay together, sobbing as they mourned the loss of the father they had both adored.