Happier | Severus Snape

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Um, hello?

Yes, this is working. Hi, to whoever is listening to this. I do not really think there would be anyone listening to this because it is just my story and who wants to hear it, right? But I bet Remus is listening to this. He always listen to me. Perhaps Sirius is sitting next to him, eager to hear what I have to say, he is nosy sometimes. No matter who is listening to this record, I hope you cannot relate to my story.

Remmy, you thought it would be good for me to talk about my feelings. You know how difficult it is for me to open up to people, talking about how anguished I am but I need to. You said if I cannot tell you or Sirius, then I should just be using this recorder to get it out of my chest.

Well, I never thought I am so devastated that people could see it right through me but I guess they were right. Dealing with a break up is not something that I was prepared for, especially not when I was hopelessly in love with him. I am sadly, still in love with him. How foolish.

Truth to be told, I feel hopeless. I feel like everything in this world is against me, and the only person I love with all of my heart, decided to crush the love I have given him, without any mercy.

Yes, you heard me right. I am just another girl with a broken heart.

I believe you have heard the same story again and again. A girl who was too stubborn when people around her warned her several times, trying to knock some sense into her head so she didn't fall in love with her ex professor, and yet she was persistent to get what she wanted. It turned out, they were right all along, and perhaps she deserved it.

Perhaps I deserve this— The pain, the longing, the heartbreak.

My friends would say otherwise. They would say they have my back, and they would murder him if they were ever given a chance to do so. You, Remmy, would poison his drink if it was not a crime. The anger in your eyes every time you say the words would humour me, because I know you, and you would not ever hurt a fly, let alone poisoning someone's drink.

But then again, everyone has warned me about him. They said I was too young for him, too pure to be in his presence, as if he was an evil human being. I was offended every time any of you insulted him because I was hurt too. And I refused to listen to your advice— that he would break my heart— I was in love and I think I deserve to feel this pain.

Pain in this world comes in many forms, Remmy. I experienced every each of them since I was a child. And you already know this. You know what happened in my life.

But he didn't. And I cannot blame him for something that he was not aware of. It would be unfair for him, wouldn't it?

He didn't know the pain I had to go through when I saw my parents almost killing each other during dinner. I was six, at the time, and ironically, I wanted to forget it but here I am, the memory is still fresh on my mind.

I could still remember my mother yelling at my father, accusing him of being irresponsible when she was not a saint as well, and how he was trying so hard to bottle up his anger. But then he let go, Remmy. He let go.

And by letting go, I meant he pushed my mother to the wall, no, he shoved her. I never saw my father being so enraged that I almost didn't recognise him. He was not my father. He was a man who was choking his wife almost to death, while his little daughter was watching everything unfolded before her eyes.

Tragic, isn't it?

I was happy. My parents loved me. But I do not know what has gone wrong until everything took unexpected turn in my life, robbing the love I had. My mother started seeing another man in secret, while my father was screwing another woman when my mother was not home.

The worst part was: I knew everything about them. I saw them, and I knew they were losing each other, and yet, they did nothing to shield me from the pain.

I already told you this story before, Remmy. And I could still remember the shock on your face, and I would forever remember the way Sirius just pulled me into his arms, understanding the pain I was going through in my childhood. Perhaps his story was different than mine, but the pain, it was identical to his.

But he didn't know this. He didn't know how afraid I was to love somebody, but I dared to love him, making the first step, giving him a heart for him to treasure. He didn't know how broken I was, and he didn't know how great he was in my eyes. He didn't know that he was my everything.

He didn't know. I cannot blame him. I wasn't enough. I was never enough to anyone.

You must be yawning right now, Remmy. I mean, you knew this story and I am pretty sure this was not what you wanted to hear when you gave me this tape recorder. I know you were expecting me to pour my heart and soul, expressing my feelings in words that I cannot use when I am around people, letting myself weep over my cruel fate, telling you a story which made me a person I am now— heartbroken and wretched.

I know you wanted to know my feelings. You want to understand. You want to help. I am sorry, for that the feelings I have now, are indescribable. And as much as I want to tell you, I can only tell you things that I already told you before— along with things that I have never told anyone else because I was too vulnerable.

But there is one thing that I want you to know, Remmy.

I want you to know that despite everything that I am going to tell you now— My love for Severus Snape will never die.

He was my little bit of magic. Even if he is happier without me.