Always [N.H]

That

The outcry at Niall postponing his tour was worse than anyone had imagined and all the anger and hate was of course directed towards Arden. At first, she was in too much pain both mentally and physically to notice. The both of them had travelled to Ireland, away from everyone so that Arden could recover in peace and Niall could be with her at every moment, giving her his undivided attention. 

He showered her with love and care, and despite what had happened, Arden felt a little lighter. They had a brief for weeks of peace despite everything. 

However, peace never lasts. 

As soon as they came back to London everything came crashing down again, Niall decided to use the extra time he now had to work on new music, however he never spent more than three hours at the studio, always coming back to take care of his girl. All he wanted was to see Arden get better but even her psychologist was at a loss.

He didn't really notice the tweets and messages because he didn't really go on social media but Arden did. She saw everything, and since she didn't have much else to do all she did was scroll through twitter, message after message, allowing the opinions of others to consume her. 

She's just a burden on Niall, holding him back

A burden

Burden

°°°

Arden's finger tapped the table nervously, right eye twitching slightly as she waited for Jessie to arrive. Her heart and mind were at war, mind telling her the decision she was about to make would be one she would regret forever, but her heart, it told her that this was the right thing to do, Niall deserved to be free, he deserved the chance to pursue his dream, something he'd been fighting for long before they met. 

Her hand grazed over her bandaged stomach, the tremors in her hand becoming worse, she could feel it, her mind wanting to take over, the highs and then the lows, they were consuming her and she wouldn't let it consume Niall as well. Her instability was hers and hers alone, she was bipolar, sick, diseased, retarded whatever they called her, it was her not Niall, she couldn't sit and watch him let it all go, the guilt would kill her faster than her mind would. 

"I'm so sorry I'm late, since Niall postponed the tour I've been swamped with mails, calls, responding to fans it's honestly out of this world the outcry from the fans." Jessie said, shaking her head as she sat opposite Arden. Arden swallowed thickly, Jessie's words feeling like a double-edged sword and only confirming the importance of her decision. The people needed Niall more than she ever would.

"I need to leave Niall." She whispered but Jessie heard nonetheless.

"What?" She looked at Arden suspiciously, suspecting she was having another one of her bouts. 

"Jessie, you've thought about it, everyone's thought about it, hell the fans are talking about it all over twitter. I'm nothing but a burden, I'm holding him back. He postponed the tour Jessie, something will happen and then he'll cancel it and no one will want to sign him or work with him because who would? Who would sign an artist that can't even do the one thing an artist is supposed to be." Jessie stayed silent for a bit because it definitely was something that kept her up most nights.

"You're not thinking straight." Jessie said softly, reaching over to hold Arden's hand but she shrugged it off. She hated this, this feeling of never being heard, never being taken seriously. She was thinking straight, it was the most clear thought she had had in a long time, the first time in a long time feeling like she was the one in control. 

"You're not, you're not listening to me." She choked out, eyes already brimming with tears. 

"Niall's love for me will be his downfall, I'm holding him back, stopping him from reaching his full potential. You know this is true, you've all thought it so don't sit there and lie to me, I may be retarded but I deserve the decency of your honesty." Arden spoke and you could feel the emotion in her voice, the years of pent up anger and hurt of never being take seriously coming out. Jessie's mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say.

"You're not a retard, please stop saying that." She said finally before staying silent to allow Arden the chance to finish.

"I- I can't stand here and watch Niall reject opportunity after opportunity, sabotage himself in the name of taking care of me. I know I'm not stable and I know I need the help but not at the cost of Niall; he's worked too hard for this, there's been too many nights of him crying himself to sleep, thinking he's not good enough, for him to give it up now. Not for me, I won't let him." She slammed her fist down on the table, causing Jessie to jump slightly. Arden withdrew her hand, eyes flickering around nervously as wiped away at her tears. She hadn't meant to get riled up like that, she couldn't control it and that was precisely the problem. She was volatile, highly reactive, burning everything she touched. Niall's career would burn out, fizzle way as long as she was in his life. 

"Arden, darling, I've been with you since the beginning, I've seen the two of you grow together, the love you have for each other is strong, stronger than anything I've ever seen." Jessie reached over and grabbed her hand, thumb running smooth circles into her palm. "It's strong enough to overcome this, things will work out it always has. You had this disorder when you first met Niall, you had it during his first real gig, you had it in the years leading to this moment and guess what, you worked through it, you always have and you always will. You've had the longest bout of happiness recently, it should show that'll be ok, you and Niall will fight through this, I know you will." Arden shook her head adamantly, she took her hand and brought it close to her chest.

"No, no it's different, Jessie, they're getting worse." She whispered and Jessie frowned.

"What do you mean? Niall said therapy had been helping?" 

"N-no." Arden stuttered, her right eye twitching, a nervous tick that had begun to become more and more common recently. "The episodes, they're becoming more intense, and sudden, before I could feel them coming on but now, they just take over me and I see things, Jess, I-I see things that aren't there." Arden was getting worked up, eyes red from the endless sorrow she had been facing, it broke Jessie's heart and she quickly rounded the table, holding the girl in her arms. 

"I can't even be left alone anymore. You think this was an accident?" She lifted her shirt and pointed a shaky finger towards her freshly bandaged wound. "It wasn't I did this to myself. I got upset about something that happened years ago, started crying, I ran out on a fucking busy road. I could have been killed. In the ambulance I thought spiders were crawling over me but it was all in my head." Arden sobbed into Jessie's chest who was crying herself, running a hand through Arden's hair as she tried to soothe her.

"I lied to Niall, I had to Jess. It would've killed him with worry. He's already postponed the tour because of this accident, if he knew it wasn't an accident, he'd put aside singing altogether just make sure I was safe and not alone. You know I'm right." Arden pulled away from Jessie and the two stared at each other intently. Jessie couldn't argue, because as much as it hurt her to say it. Arden was right, if Niall knew the truth of what happened to Arden, he'd put his guitar aside and stay with her twenty-four seven. His love for Arden was his greatest strength and weakness at the same time. She sighed, bringing a hand to the side of Arden's face.

"What about you? If it's getting worse, than surely the last thing to do is push Niall away. You need him now more than ever." Not only did her heart hurt for Arden, Jessie felt like she was somehow betraying Niall but, this was what was best for him, at least that's what she told herself to make herself feel better. 

"Yeah, I've come to terms that I'll never be whole again but that's ok, cause I never was. There are hundreds of good specialists out there who can help me. This opportunity that Niall has now, a world tour? Movie deals, Vogue, photoshoots, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. And what's meant to be is what's meant to be, maybe, when I'm better we'll cross paths again. But I won't ask cause that's selfish." Arden smiled sadly  and now Jessie was the one sobbing, she felt she hadn't been appreciative enough of the girl, she used to think Niall was the one sacrificing everything for Arden, but now she realized she had it all wrong. 

"Oh my dear, my sweet sweet dear. You're the strongest person I know. Niall will always be lucky to have you, always.