i walked across the all familiar floors of lax. it seems like everytime i did this i had a different feeling about gus. i would give anything to go back to the first time i made this trip, seeing him for the first time. no hate, no drama, no cheating. just authentic excitement and contentness.
gus wasn't picking me up this time. i asked him not to. i would get an uber. i needed a little extra time to prepare for this in my head. the closer this day got the more and more bad i felt about coming back for the money. he did hurt me but was it not equivalent to me taking advantage of him now? we're both in the wrong now.
i found my uber outside the airport and told her gus' address. i didn't say anything for the ride. i was too nervous to be chatty. "thank you" i told her while i stepped out on to the lawn. i stood at the end of the driveway for a few minutes before i approached the door. i knew i just had to go and get it over with quickly, standing here worrying isn't gonna help.
it was just gus. only gus. i knew him. i dated him for sucks sake. it's fine. i knocked softly on the door, not wanting to seem obnoxious. the door opened, tracy stood on the other side. he raised his eyebrow at me, not seeming impressed that i was here. "gus. isla is here" he called behind him into the house. he walked away without saying anything to me.
gus came down the stairs and around the corner to the door where i was standing. when we saw each other he looked at me as if i had grown an extra head. i knew i didn't look the best but he didn't have to make it obvious, damn. "uh, hi" he said awkwardly, letting me inside. "hi" i said.
"you want to go upstairs?" he asked. "yeah i guess so" i told him. i carried my own bags up the stairs behind him. i put them down on floor beside my old side of the bed. "why are you really here isla?" gus asked. "what? i wanted to talk to you" i told him. "really?" he asked. "yes" i said.
"okay. how have you been?" he asked. "mediocre" i told him. "i see that" he said. "what's that supposed to mean?" i asked. "like don't lie to yourself isla. you look like shit, what have you been on? are you really sure you're not just here for a drug fix?" he asked. "wow thanks good to see you too. and yes i'm sure" i told hi. "you didn't answer my question" he said. "huh?" i asked. "what have you been on? and don't lie to me because i know it's something" he said.
"fine. coke" i told him. "mhm" he just kind of mumbled and nodded. i hated how awkward it felt right now, especially when we used to exist so happily together. it used to feel so easy and that's making this so much worse. "i've been thinking" i said. "mhm" gus said. "i'm ready to try again. if you give me another chance i'll give you one." i said.
he looked like he was thinking for a second. "okay" he decided "it really pissed me off you never texted me back but i guess i realized you didn't really owe me shit. you were the one who was mainly hurt here so i'm sorry" he continued. "okay. im not gonna say we're together again. but we can start to communicate again, start fresh, try and work things out" i suggested. "i think that's a good idea. let's not rush though. i think you, well both of us, still have a lot of healing to do individually before we even try healing together in an official relationship" he said.
we came to an agreement that we'd give ourselves one more chance at a relationship which was perfect. i'd stay in los angeles for another couple of weeks at the house with gus. i'd basically be back to my old life except for gus and i fifty percent hate each other a little still. tracy seems absolutely pissed at me, but he wasn't my main concern right now obviously.
"do you want the bed and i can take the couch?" he asked. "i can stay on the couch that's fine. i came here" i said. i didn't want to come across as greedy right now. "suit yourself" he told me. "and isla" he said. "yeah?" i asked. "i never really got a chance to tell you in person because you kind of just up and left but i regret everything that happened that night. i should have stopped it and i'm sorry. i wish i could change it but the damage is done i guess. i fucked up but i'm sorry. i loved you and this ended up hurting my just as bad too. i'll never let it happen again, if we make this work." gus apologized to me.
"well thank you. i appreciate you saying that. i'm sorry i over reacted a little too. i shouldn't have just ran off like that" i told him. "you would have been welcome back at any point. i am happy you're here i just have a little bit more processing to do" he said. "that's fine" i said.
"i missed you" he said, sitting down next to me. i hesitated to speak for a second. "i missed you too" i said. it wasn't completely a lie, i hadn't started to miss him until a few weeks ago. he didn't have to know that though. every aspect of gus and it's relationship has been completely crazy, so i guess this is just another step in the road because we can't seem to go too long without a dramatic event or something unconventional. even the start of our relationship was completely unconventional, but maybe we'd make it out okay after all.
