The boy underneath the stars // H.J + L.M

Chapter 61

"FUCK." Jisung groans, violently throwing the razor on the ground. He rakes a hand through his hair in frustration. His eyes filled with disgust as they follow his glare towards himself in the mirror.

"I hate you I hate you I hate you i hate you." He mutters the same words over and over again, staring at the red drops dripping on the floor.

He breathes out, entranced by the drops of red pooling on the sink's sparkling white basin. He shakes his head, allowing his eyes to close at last. He doesn't have to look as he twists on the cold water tap, that's how regular the routine has become.

The boy slowly lowers his wrist into the stream of icy cold water and grits his teeth at the stinging sensation. The blood turns pink as it washes down the drain, joining the other ounces of his blood he's poured out in this bathroom in the last few months.

He pulls away, and picks up the already damp brown washcloth from the back of the toilet. He collapses onto the closed lid and presses the cloth to his cuts. Resting his head against the wall behind him and taking several deep breaths. He raises his wrist up to his chest, and waits for his breathing to return to normal.

He throws the washcloth to the ground, blindly reaching out for his phone, picking it up from the cold floor. Clicking on the google symbol with shaking hands.

"Ways to stop selfharming."

He scrolls to the results, mumbling comments on several of them. "'Eat chocolate to distract yourself' yes that's totally not the thing that triggers me to do it or anything." He mutters, scrolling down further. Eventually ending up on one app.

"Download 'I am sober' ?"

The boy sighs, pressing the download button, "guess I'll give it a try huh?"

He closes his eyes, pulling his legs up to his chest, tracing the deep marks on his wrist as he waits for the app to finish downloading.

The cuts seem to become deeper every time, rougher every time. By now, there's a small chance the marks will completely fade eventually. It's like an addiction, wanting to cut deeper and deeper every time.

He looks away, finding the app finished downloading. Hesitantly opening it, to be met with a bright white screen.

'First of all, congrats! You've just taken a big step to your path on sobriety!'

"Yeah yeah shut up." He mutters, annoyed by the cheerful greeting. The bright light from the screen hurting his eyes.

'What are you getting sober from?'

He frowns, scrolling through the list, eventually clicking on the option self harm.

'Why do you want to stay free from self harm?'

Jisung pauses, his fingers lingering above his phone.

...why does he want to stop? Great, not even finished downloading and already failing.

The boy sighs, dragging a hand through his hair as he thinks. Why does he want to stop? To.. convince others he's okay?

"I want to stay free from self harm because I don't want others to worry after seeing the scars." He presses enter, the next screen popping up.

'I've been self harm free for 0 hours, 0 minutes and 13 seconds'

He sighs, chuckling dryly. "What a record." He mumbles, pushing himself up and standing back in front of the mirror. He pulls his sleeves further over his hands, slapping his cheeks to try and get rid of the paleness of his skin.