EverWorld (Book 3 of the Down World Series)

Chapter Forty-Seven

Wave after wave of grief seized me.

When I closed my eyes, all I could see was my mom's face, fading into nothing. The look in her eyes was pure love.

She loved me. After everything we'd been through.

After all the years I hated her. All the years we were apart.

In the end, she loved me.

And I let her die.

I opened my eyes, trying to erase the imprint of her face, but she was still there, floating in the hot, tight air of the train car. Her beautiful eyes filled the gaps between the wooden planks in the floor. Her long fingers. Her soft hair. Her smell. She was everywhere.

And she was nowhere.

I let the tears come in a torrent, the pain grip me so tight I thought I would choke on it. And I wanted to choke. I wanted to sleep. Anything but this pain. Anything but feel this way for one more moment.

I never thought anything could hurt as much as the night I heard that Robbie had died. But this was worse. Because I didn't even get to tell her how much I loved her.

I was thinking it, but I didn't say it. She died without hearing me say the words.

When the thudding began, soft and constant, and growing louder as it approached, I didn't know if it was real or just the pounding of my heart against my chest. The dull angry pulse of immeasurable sadness.

And then the thudding grew louder. Footsteps.

I felt the Conductor's presence above me before I had really registered that he was there. The air felt heavier somehow when he was near, like a cold breeze coming off a mountain. I looked up through stinging eyes and he was watching me.

I couldn't even think to be scared. Let him kill me if he wanted. Let him end it.

"Tickets," he said, extending a bony hand in my direction.

I stood to meet him, his emaciated face only inches from my own. A thought exploded into my mind as I looked at him.

"Can you take me to Yesterday?" I asked, hearing the rip in my voice. "Please? Let me do it over. Let me save her." My lips trembled so bad with the words I could barely form them, and my vision blurred as even more tears formed and fell down my face.

He just shook his head.

"Why not?"

"The train moves forward," he answered, the croaking of his voice like wind blowing through the branches of a tree.

"Only forward?"

He nodded.

I took a deep breath, letting the words sink in. It was official, then. No more door to Yesterday beneath the school. No taking the train back in time. There would be no more do-overs.

What was done was done. I would never see Mom again.

I let the steady thrumming of the train beneath my feet fill my ears for what felt like an eternity. I knew I needed to shake away the dark thoughts that were drowning me. I knew from my own experience, and from what Adam had told me, that time didn't just move forward on this train—it sped up. Every minute I lingered here could equal twice as many outside.

And that was time Robbie didn't have to spare, not if Alexei still had him locked up somewhere under the rose garden. I had to get back. I had to find him.

When I looked up again, the Conductor was still in front of me, waiting for his payment.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks, steadying myself. Now was the time to be strong. Now was the time to survive.