𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒆

The day you told me you wanted to die (2)

Razor had left his house a few hours ago.

But Bennett was again lying in his bed, staring at the space where Razor should be next to him.
"Will it be like that now?", he asked himself. "Always thinking about where he'd be and what he'd done?"

But Razor wasn't even dead, at least not yet.
Just the thought seemed so final to Bennett though, that for some moments it felt like he already was.

"Why?", Bennett whispered to himself.
Why, why, why, why.

Razor had just stared at him when Bennett had told him he'd die too.
He had told him he didn't believe him.
Before anyone could bring up another argument, Bennett's mom had come in.
After that, they had just pretended that everything was fine.

But the truth was: Bennett had broken down again the second Razor had left his house.
He had been sobbing quietly into his pillow and thought every solution through in his head.
But nothing seemed to be able to change anything about the situation.

If Bennett was honest, he had imagined this before.
The first time as Razor finally admitted the truth about his scars.
What he didn't know back then was that Bennett had noticed them long before.

Because how couldn't he notice such a thing if Razor was so addicting to look at?

Still, Bennett had been trying to convince himself the scars weren't what he thought they were.
In the end he had been right of course.

In the background he could hear the Songs playing, which Razor had showed him today.
Bennett had made a playlist out if them and it had been running in the background for the last few hours.

Bennett stared at the ceiling and recalled the day before.
Yesterday at school Razor had just been sitting next to him.
And when Bennett looked over he had felt so much love it had almost physically hurt, the longing and the need to protect him.
Knowing Razor probably didn't like him as much as he liked him.

Of course Bennett knew Razor had some kind of affection towards him. They were best friends after all.
But still he just couldn't imagine that someone as amazing as Razor could love him as much.
Because sometimes the feeling was so strong that Bennett feared it could consume him entirely.

So what if Razor died?
Just speaking it out loud - or as loud as it was possible in his thoughts - brought tears to his eyes again.
No, he wouldn't be able to manage that.

So how could he make him stay?

The true answer was simple: he couldn't.
He could try and cry about it and do everything in this world but in the end it was still Razor's decision.

Really, the only thing Bennett could do was trying to prove there was something or someone worth living for - and someone suffering if it went differently.

But how? Bennett didn't even know if Razor found him a worthy reason to do anything, when that was the only thing Bennett ever wanted to be to him - worthy.
Maybe even a bit more worthy than everyone else.

Was this love?
It had to be.
Because if this wasn't love, then what else was love supposed to be?

Bennett couldn't imagine it being any stronger than this, ever.

He suddenly sat up and wiped the tears from his face.
Maybe he really couldn't make a difference for Razor.
But he sure as hell would try.

Bennett reached for his phone and clicked on his chat with Razor, staring at their recent messages.
Back when the world had still been normal, had still seemed kind of peaceful.

Almost numb he typed in the letters now, letters he would send every few days in the future, just to make sure Razor knew.

The other probably never figured out the true meaning behind the words, not really. And Bennett would always pretend it was just a casual thing, not having anything to do with the empty aching inside his heart.

But Bennett could feel the tears running down his cheeks again, leaving a salty taste on his lips as he heard the sound of the message sending.

"I love you."