𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒆

The day you told me you wanted to die (1)

Song recommendation for the whole (short) story: "The story - Conan Gray"

Again ⚠️TW⚠️: mentions of suicide+selfharm; depression

If these topics could trigger you in any way or make you uncomfortable, please consider to not read this fanfiction.
If you're not sure wether this applies to you maybe send it to someone you trust and let them decide if this story is appropriate for you to read.

Maybe Bennett was in love with his best friend.

The truth was that he really didn't know.
Sometimes the only thing he felt was the need to protect and cherish Razor forever. To just pull him into his arms and never let him go.
To kiss the top of his head and cry about all the uglyness of the world together.

Other times it just felt like a normal, close friendship.

But right now the cozy, comfortable warmth of the other's body on top of him felt exactly right.
Like this was how he was supposed to stay forever.

Bennett didn't even remember how they ended up this way: Himself laying on his bed, Razor on top of him with his head resting on Bennett's chest.
Bennett's hand was softly tangled in the others hair and from time to time he dared to give it a few soft strokes.

He closed his eyes and focused on the weight of the other, the way their bodies fit together so perfectly.
Bennett could smell the faint cloud of shampoo around the other and his mind seemed to be at ease for the first time in a while.

For a moment the universe was perfectly calm.

"So this is what holding the world feels like.", Bennett thought to himself and smiled at the realisation.

His gaze travelled over Razor again, taking in everything for the thousandth time.
He lingered on Razor's arms, his eyes getting darker as he took in the scars.
At least most of them were healing.

"What?", Razor asked quietly and turned away the inside of his arms. "I told you I don't do that anymore."

The thought of just one slight scratch on Razor's body made Bennett want to burn the world down.
And the fact that the other was responsible himself just seemed to make it hurt more.

"Can you promise me you'll never do it again?", Bennett whispered. A hopeful, soft voice.

For a few moments there was only silence and Bennett knew Razor's answer before the other could even say it.
"I don't know. No. I won't do it now but I know there's going to be a moment where I just snap and mess it up again."

Bennett quickly closed his eyes again to avoid Razor's gaze - and the tears.
"I know you can do it, Razor."

"I can't."

Bennett was about to start protesting, when the next sentence pushed out all of the air inside of his lungs.

"I even want to die. Fuck, I tried to die.", Razor mumbled, the forced chuckle not being able to surpress the sadness in his voice.

"What do you mean?", Bennett almost whispered, trying to keep his emotions in.
He told himself it wasn't serious, that the other had just made a hurtful joke without thinking about it.

"I mean that I've tried, Bennett. Maybe not always whole-hearted, but sometimes I-"

The rest got drowned out by the loud beating inside Bennett's ears, which was his heart threathing to explode.
It wasn't a joke.

For a few minutes he just laid there, silently listening to Razor talking about his attempts.
The whole time he didn't move a muscle, but with every word he could feel the tension inside of his body increase.

Bennett couldn't even remember how long this one-sided conversation lasted, he just stared at Razor with his thoughts racing.

He didn't know what to say, what to do, how to react.
But everything inside him cramped up with every second and soon he had trouble breathing, softly clutching the bedsheets next to him to keep himself from crying.

Oh Razor, his beautiful Razor.
He had been aware the other wasn't doing well.
He had just never comprehended it had went as far as this.

And it was not like Bennett didn't understand. Life just wasn't fair and he himself had been through some rough times.
But this was worse than that.

"Come on, Razor.", he begged the other in his mind. "Stay with me. There must be something worth living for. There must be something to make you stay."

Just a second later his thoughts were tumbling over each other, one always standing out: why wasn't he enough to make Razor stay?

When Razor finished talking and raised his head to look at Bennett, he stayed silent.

He could feel himself being at the verge of tears, which were burning behind his eyes.
Bennett knew he'd start crying the second he'd open his mouth.

"Anway, it doesn't matter.", Razor murmurred after a few moments.
Bennett's heart tore open even more.

"How can you say it doesn't matter? How am I supposed to live without you, Razor?"
His words only came out in a mix between crying and trying not to let his voice break.

Bennett took a deep breath to finally feel air inside his lungs again before turning towards Razor, to find the other stare at him.

"Hey, don't cry now. If I knew you were going to...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you."

"How am I supposed not to cry? You just fucking told me you want to die.", Bennett said and this time it was only sobbing anymore.

He wanted to scream at Razor and tell him to stay, wanted to lock him inside this room so nothing could ever happen again.

Razor seemed speechless und shrugged his shoulders.
He had moved away during his rant and now held onto Bennett again.

Bennett dug his fingers into the other's shirt and forced himself to calm down, but the next sentence he spoke already made him break out in tears again.
"If you die then I'm the next one."

It might have sounded like a threat to Razor.
For Bennett it was just the truth.