HYBRISTOPHILIA

Chapter 4 - BROKEN

She nodded as she wrote down her notes, then looked back up at me.

"Why did u hate it?"

"Because it was weird." I shrugged honestly. "I don't like feeling things, that's why I drown myself in drugs, alcohol and sex."

"Sex? Would you say you have an unhealthy relationship with sex?"

"I, uhh... I don't know- probably... It's kinda my solution for a lot of things."

"Mhm... have you ever cheated on your wife?" She questioned further.

What has this got to with anything?

"Yeah, multiple times."

"And why did you do that? Is your sex life with your wife not what you want it to be?"

"No, it's great. We have amazing sex all the time, I just... I don't know..."

I'm just an asshole...

"Tell me about the times you cheated on her."

"Uhh... the first time I did it was when her dad sent her to some place in Spain... She had just miscarried our baby for the first time, but I didn't actually know she was pregnant that time. Anyway, long story short, she started to loose it so I took her to her dads. I didn't see her for about a year, and I didn't even know if she was coming back. I felt like shit so I slept around to distract myself."

God, I'm such a piece of shit...

"She's miscarried for the first time? Did she miscarry again?"

I nodded and looked down at my hand as I began to tap it against the leather.

"Yeah... that's why she had to go away. She completely lost it this time, and she wasn't coping well." I explained whilst she nodded.

"And how did the miscarriage make you feel? How did you cope with the loss of your baby?"

I looked up at her, kinda taken aback at her question.

No one had asked me that...

"I... it doesn't matter how I feel. I wasn't the one that had to give birth to my dead baby..." I muttered as I looked back down, my chest tightening like it usually did when I thought about it.

Celeste is the one who had to go through the worst of it.

"But you were there? And you still lost your baby, Asher. It's very common for men to be forgotten about when miscarriages happen. Most men may even feel guilty for feeling bad, just because they don't have to go through physically loosing their child." She explained softly as she looked at me. "Tell me how you felt after the miscarriage, Asher."

"I felt... empty. Emptier than usual. I wanted to talk about it with Celeste, but... she didn't want to. Every time I brought it up she just dismissed it like it was nothing... so I just pushed it down too. Then everything happened with her, and she had to go away... I was all alone again."

Loosing the baby made me realise how badly I wanted her... I wanted to be a good dad.

"I never told anyone this, but after Celeste gave birth to her, then told me to leave her alone... I went downstairs, sat out on the balcony with a glass of whiskey and just cried... I didn't want to but I-I couldn't stop it..."

I know it's selfish to think like this, but I thought she could be my fresh start... my chance to do something good for this world... I wanna be good so badly...

I saw her push a box of tissues across the coffee table, and that's when I felt the tear running down my face.

Shit...