More Than a Memory

8 | if nothing else

It's too late. And on top of that, I laid a pretty heavy accusation on Danny that night. There's just one problem though. I don't even know if I want to take it back or not. I'm too confused and torn to think logically.

Do I really think he stole Vera from me?

In some ways, that's exactly how it feels. With my brain back on track, I'm now haunted by the very vivid memory of sitting around his dining room table that afternoon before we headed out for game two. I confirmed my feelings for Vera. Fuck, I asked the guy for insight on being in love, desperate to put together all the strange pieces of what was going on in my head at the time. And what did he do?

He encouraged me. He was happy for me.

He told me to tell her how I felt.

I realize I wasted time, delayed the process far more than I should have but what can I say? I was nervous. I'd never done anything like that and I was scared shitless that it was going to change the dynamic between myself and Vera forever if she didn't feel the same. And so, I waited, held off another week. I formulated my plan, built up my courage, and I went for it.

I did. But I only made it halfway.

I felt like I was gonna puke that day when I approached her in the hallway and told her it was time for our first kiss. How could I have guessed that my entire life would change that night on the field before I ever got the chance to move things forward? How could I ever have known that I was going to wake up with no memory of her?

And then, just to make matters worse, I had to wake up again a year later to the agonizing realization of everything I'd lost while I was gone?

This fucking sucks.

Why did he have to go after her? Why couldn't he keep his feelings to himself, stifle whatever it was that started to grow and give me a little more time to come back to her? Whatever happened to being brothers first? Isn't there a code against this shit?

I get it, the circumstances of my injury and memory loss made everything more tricky. But he should have left her alone. I stand by that, even though it makes me feel like a jackass for depleting what he and Vera seem to have together, how happy I can see he truly makes her.

If nothing else, he makes her happy.

I just wish it didn't feel so shitty. But then, I imagine shitty is exactly how Vera felt when Sophia came into the picture. And that's on me.

Sophia. Sophia. Sophia.

You want to talk about a conflicting mindfuck? Sophia is the exact missing piece that validates Danny's whole argument and I hate that. I hate admitting he has a solid claim to Vera in this saga of muddled feelings and missed chances.

I moved on. I didn't know what the hell I was risking at the time but it doesn't change the fact that I did. I fell for Sophia and now...

I'm trying. I really am. That's what kills me. As confused as I am about what's going on with Vera and Danny, I really am trying to stay connected to Sophia and she keeps going along with it. Only problem is, she's going at it halfway. Her feelings change like the weather.

Some days, she's all about me, accepting the situation and rolling with the punches. She wants to kiss and laugh, cuddle on the couch and act like nothing's wrong. Other days, she barely talks to me. She dodges conversations, plans, and advances from me like the plague, only to come around again a few days later and act like nothing's wrong again.

It's giving me whiplash.

I haven't been fair to her. But lately, I'm left with the heart sinking realization that she isn't being fair to me either. And now, we're stuck in this weird cycle. Half in, half out. Waves of affection, ripples of indifference.

I'm pretty sure we're both about to drown.

"It'll work itself out, Colt."  Dad's voice pulls me out of my sick, solemn reverie. 

It's crazy, something I'm still not used to. He somehow knows how trashed my mind is right now and even if he refuses to pick a side and get involved, I at least know he's here to support me through it, offering whatever small encouragement he never knew how to before.

I'm reminded that my injury didn't only result in one bruised brain, a fucked up arm, and the mushy feelings shitstorm between me and my closest friends. It also brought my dad back. 

If nothing else, I have my dad back.

He shoots me a sly grin. "Now, let's talk about those fucking Ravens, huh?"

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A/N: I know everyone's reeling from Colt's less than stellar behavior at the party haha. 🙄 So, we have a little more insight into his confusion. I stared at this one for a while, not entirely happy with how all over the place it felt. But then, I realized you know what? COLT is all over the place, too, so we're good. 👌🏼

What are your thoughts on how he's feeling? Any sympathy for poor, confused Colten Hart? 😆