More Than a Memory

1 | confusion

Colt

The day after the mashed potatoes.
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She's staring me down, a challenge dancing around in her sky blue eyes.

Disbelief. Mistrust. Concern. Sadness.

Those are just a few other things floating around in there, the things that matter. The challenge only exists to make me talk more.

"It's okay," she says softly. "I promise I won't be upset. I just need to know the truth."

"I just told you the truth. Do you not believe me?"

Sophia shifts on the passenger seat of my car. Her head drifts forward now as she stares out the windshield, letting me know with her body language that she probably doesn't believe me. That's okay. She might just need time. It's not just me that's confused, this whole thing is the epitome of confusion.

Honestly, the word confusion is starting to get really old. For everyone involved here, I'm sure. There has to be a better word for how this feels, I just can't think of it right now.

Because my head is too fucking confused...

Sophia and I just shared the quietest trip to school we've ever shared and now, thanks to her questions, we're also about to be late for class.

She should care about that. She usually cares about that because she's such a stickler for the rules and being on time. But I'm pretty sure she could give a shit about class right now which has me a little worried about how she's really taking all of this. I knew it would be difficult, that it would stir things up in more than just my head. But I still wasn't prepared.

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to think after what you just said," she whispers, blinking rapidly all the sudden like she's trying to keep tears at bay.

I sigh, reaching across the center console for her hands. "Sophia, you have to trust me. My head is a mess right now but I'm still sure about you. I promise. I just-"

"Did you kiss her?"

Her question catches me off guard. So does the desperate, sad look in her eyes. She's had her reservations about the whole Vera thing since the beginning, ever since I told her we were sort of almost involved at some point. But she's never been this frazzled. And rightfully so, I guess.

Of course, when we were finally making some progress, my memory had to come back with a vengeance. She was finally comfortable with the idea of us. Finally loosening up in those rare moments we were alone. We were finally falling into a good rhythm and things were going so well. Shit, I even think I was ready to tell her I love her.

But now, I feel like we're back at square one. And it's not just her. My head really is all over the place. With Vera suddenly inserted back into my thoughts and memories, it's been a damn time sorting through my disarray of emotions for the last twenty-four hours. I wish I could hide in a corner somewhere and not talk to anyone for a month. Maybe longer. But that's not exactly realistic.

Do I love Sophia? Is that still something I could feel comfortable telling her? It might be, to be honest. Of course, the timing is all off now so there's no chance I'd say it any time soon. But I still feel the strongest, most familiar tug on my heart for her and it's not just because Vera rejected me. At least I don't think it is.

Sophia owns a solid space in my heart and on my mind. She hasn't gone anywhere. She was back there all day yesterday while I struggled through my newly returned and confusing thoughts about Vera. And honestly, I have to think it was pretty normal for Vera to stay up front the way she did, given the circumstances. So, I'm not going to apologize for that. But when I left her house last night after our talk, a strange sense of calm flowed through me.

Was that closure? Probably not. It's a little too soon for that, I think. I did want to kiss her up in her room and I feel like an asshole for that now but I couldn't help it. I don't know when that feeling will go away but I hope it disappears soon.

I'm not the kind of guy who wants to entertain those kinds of urges for an unavailable girl. And until those urges go away, I have to assume that wasn't closure last night.

It was something else.

The calmness was something different, more like a soft vibration charged by thoughts of Sophia. It swished around right alongside my desire to kiss Vera and all the other strange things I'm feeling for her. When I laid in bed last night, it was Sophia that invaded my thoughts once more and I felt a cool rush of relief at that, a soothing anticipation at the thought of seeing her today. I couldn't wait to kiss her.

It felt right.

I know my head is a mess and it probably will be for a while. I'm still not done sorting through whatever's left of Vera up there but I know something remains for Sophia, too. I can feel it in my gut, even if my mind is riddled with nothing but questions right now.

Can a person truly have feelings for two people at once? Is this pull in both of their directions possible and acceptable given what's happened to me?

Can a split heart heal again and go back to the way it was before the trauma? Do they make that kind of industrial strength thread?

Will Sophia ever truly believe I chose her amidst Vera's rejection or will she always think I settled?

Am I fucking settling? I don't think I am but I honestly don't know right now. This is too much all at once. I wasn't ready.

After our silent ride to school, Sophia started her line of questioning as soon as I parked the car, asking me what Vera and I talked about last night, if I had feelings for her... the usual kind of questions you'd expect from a girl in Sophia's position after something like this. Her voice rushed out, a puddle of her emotions spilling all over the floorboards of my car. It was like she'd been holding it all in for hours, just waiting for the nerve to say her thoughts out loud.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her I was confused about Vera but I just wanted to be honest with her. There's too much confusion here for lies to make a home in this shit show, too much uncertainty to add anything else that will make the whole thing crumble. We need to stay strong.

"No, I didn't kiss her," I tell her honestly. "We just talked. I mean that. I need you to trust me, Sophia, or this isn't going to work. My head is fucked up enough without you doubting everything I just said."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I know you're feeling out of sorts, too. But... I need to work through this and you need to believe me when I say that my feelings for you haven't changed."

Sophia sighs. "But your feelings for her are back though? Is that also what you're saying?"

"I don't know," I groan, trying and failing to rein in my frustration. "I'm just... there's so much to sort through."

"Okay," she whispers, sitting up straight and meeting my eyes properly. "I trust you. I just... I need you to keep me up to date, okay? If you're done with me, then you need to cut me loose. I can't hang around while you pine for someone else."

If I'm done with her?

Is she kidding? Her words fracture the already sliced up state of my heart as it pumps wildly in my chest. The very thought of losing her makes my stomach spin. I wish I could give her the reassurance she deserves. But I know there's nothing I can do to convince her right now. It's too soon.

She needs time.

We all need some time.

I think we just need some time.