4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter thirty.

Taylor had felt so honoured that Patrick had told her what happened - because she knew how hard that was. She could still feel the pain of telling Joe what Adam was doing to her... could still feel the way it ached in her heart because she didn't want him to think she was lying. She could still feel the pain of admitting that she'd stayed, even when she knew that it was wrong. That she deserved better. She also remembered the feeling of Joe believing her, of him doing everything he could to protect her.
"You are so beautiful," she whispered to Nora, who was looking up at her. Joe was out with his parents, and Taylor had been too tired to join them. She'd offered to stay home and look after the babies, because she was still in her pyjamas and she couldn't be bothered getting changed. Thea had gone with Joe - and she's been so excited to have lunch like a grownup. She also knew that if she went too, the paparazzi would be ten times worse - at least if it was just Joe, he'd be able to get lunch with his parents without cameras following them around. She still felt guilty about that - and sometimes she had fleeting thoughts that Joe would get sick of it. That he's get tired of her life, of the drama, of the cameras and the news headlines. Sometimes she woke up in the night and was so panicked about the fact that she'd brought all of this into their lives. Joe hadn't wanted a life in the spotlight. He hadn't wanted to be blinded by it, hadn't wanted his face published on the front of magazines and didn't want his life to be plastered in ink across every headline. She'd brought that into his life. And as many times as he'd told her that it didn't matter, that he thought that was the kind of life he wanted... until he'd met Taylor, she couldn't let it go. And she was terrified of the children getting older and understanding the kind of life she'd brought them into. She was so scared of that realisation and wished she could keep them protected from it all forever.
"Luca is asleep," Patrick told her, rousing her from her thoughts. He hadn't wanted to go either, and Taylor could understand completely why he wanted to stay here.
She looked up at him with a smile. She could see the weight that had lifted off his shoulders now that he'd told them all about what happened. She could see that he was more relaxed, that he didn't look as if he was stuck in his thoughts. "Nora is almost asleep. Then we can make pizza!" She exclaimed as she kissed Nora's cheek. She loved being a Mom more than anything else in the entire world. Both her and Patrick were going to make pizza for lunch, and then they were going to sit on the couch and watch a movie.
She softly hummed to Nora, and that seemed to do the trick. It was as if music already ran through her veins, as if she already knew what a big part that music played in their lives. Singing, or humming, or the piano always seemed to get them to sleep.

"I don't think that there's even the words to describe how grateful I am for you, Taylor. I felt so bad coming to you because I know that you had it so much worse than me and I only was with her for nine months and that-" Taylor stopped him, putting a reassuring hand on his arm.
"Patrick. An abusive relationship is an abusive relationship. Don't compare what you went through to my experience. What happened to you is just as important, just as valid and just as painful. You can't compare it to mine, because it's like comparing apples with oranges. Both are different, but important in their own way. I don't want to think that you don't think what you went through compares to my experience. Pat, whether it's six years or six days, it stains your life. Whether it's happened once or every single day for five years. It doesn't matter," Taylor shrugged. "You're entitled to feeling..." she hadn't thought about those feelings, the ones from when she'd first left in so long. She hadn't thought about how Adam had meant that she'd lost everything about herself. She'd been left with nothing but a mere shadow of her former self and she'd forgotten what that felt like. Until Patrick had told her, and she'd seen the cracks in his smile, seen right through the grin he'd tried to hide his story with. She'd realised, for the first time, the version of herself that Joe must have seen at that cafe. He must have known, even without the scarf flying from her neck, revealing the bruises, that she was hurting. He must have seen the cracks that had run deeper than her porcelain skin. He must have seen right through her facade that had fooled everyone else. "Like you don't know who you are anymore. You will feel like it's all your fault, and that you could've done more. But that's not true, Pat. You can't listen to those thoughts. I know it's easier said than done, and that it's actually so fucking hard to ignore them. But you'll get there, I promise. And sometimes it's going to hurt worse than other times, but eventually, with time, it won't hurt so much. I know that sounds so stupid because everyone goes on and on about time healing even the deepest of wounds, but it does." Taylor gave him a reassuring smile. "If someone had told me, on that afternoon where I'd met Joe at the cafe, that this is where I'd end up, I wouldn't believe them. But the truth is, that time heals the cracks in you. Every day, it will hurt a little less. Every day you wake up will get a little easier."
Patrick smiled at her, and Taylor leaned into him and hugged him. "You're the best. You literally don't even know how lucky I feel to have you," he murmured. "You're like the best person in the entire world. I think it's crazy to think that if Joe had never been at that cafe, that we'd never be friends. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Taylor laughed. "Oh, I'm quite sure that we still would be best friends. Regardless of whether Joe and I met. I think that there can also be a golden string tying friends together. No matter how far away they live, how many miles are between them, no matter how many oceans apart they are... I think that it just takes one thing to cause that string to snap into place. Best friends can be soulmates too, I think."
Patrick smiled and Taylor pulled away from him. "You're right. You know what? You're literally... I can't explain things as beautifully as you can... but literally everything we go through is... it's like a carousel. We're going around and around and no matter how much we want it to, it never stops spinning. Even when the rest of the circus has closed, and disintegrated into a mess of abandoned rides... our carousel never stops spinning. You're the person that appreciates the carousel for everything it is, the person who does not mind if it's run down, or if it's looking a little worse for wear. You just... admire it for everything it is, not everything it isn't." Patrick told her, and Taylor felt her lips start to tremble - because those words meant everything to her. Her friendship with Patrick meant absolutely everything to her and she couldn't imagine a life where they weren't friends. She didn't know how she'd gone so long without him, without his humour, his support and his attitude. She also didn't know how she'd ever been friends with some of the people in her past - because with the benefit of hindsight, she could see that a lot of those friendships didn't help her at all. Now, she had less close friends, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She didn't want a huge friend group like she had - and she was perfectly happy with the people in her life. You didn't need a huge friend group to be happy - sometimes a few people that loved you were enough. She'd realised that, and she wished that she could go back to her past and tell  her past self what she'd learnt. Oh, the things she would have done differently. But then again, she wouldn't be who she was without her past. It had almost destroyed her, several times, but it had also been the thing to put her back together again. She just wanted to go back and tell her past self so many things - but also, more than anything, she wanted to give her a hug. Tell her that holding on was worth it, that it is all worth it. The bruises and the pain will lead to something good beautiful, something that can't be found by luck or on an easy road. That she was going to have three beautiful children, and that her soulmate would be by her side through it all. That it was all worth it, the pain, sacrifice and hurt was all worth it.
Taylor took Patrick's hand in hers, and smiled. "I'm so proud of you." She knew how much those words had helped her when she was going through that pain. "Despite it all, you're here. And you're smiling. So what, you're a little more cracked than before, maybe there's a few more monsters on the inside. Maybe it's a little harder than before. But you woke up today and you got out of bed, you played with Thea and answered every single one of her questions about mermaids. You're here, we're here. Despite our past, we're here in this moment. And you know what? We're beautifully broken people - broken pieces make a mosaic artwork, Pat. And it will be okay again soon. We are the ones who survived our past and every day you choose to smile proves that. You can let your past destroy you, or you can let it build you."