4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter six.

Joe was awake before Taylor and Thea, and he'd already decided that he was going to make them breakfast. Taylor hadn't been able to get to sleep last night, she had told Joe that it was probably because she'd had a coffee after lunch, but Joe knew that it was much more than that. He knew that it was because Taylor was still beating herself up about Thea. He knew that it was because she felt as if it was unfair. This was something that Joe couldn't talk her out of, no matter how many time he told her that she was allowed to have children, she was allowed to be happy and have a family. And he hadn't stopped telling her that. He'd told her that every single day that Thea had been with them. He always reminded her that she was allowed to put herself first. That it was something that she truly didn't have to worry about, something that she didn't need to feel guilty for. Taylor always tried to put everyone else before herself, and he knew that better than anyone.

Joe slipped out of bed, looking out the window to see sunlight pouring over their home. They had only been in their Los Angeles home three times since Thea was born - and that was mostly because Joe knew that L.A stressed Taylor out more than anywhere else. They avoided it when they could, only staying there when they had award shows in the area - or something along those lines. Joe didn't like L.A. at all, even though the aesthetic of the place was beautiful.
"Daddy!" He smiled as he heard Thea whisper to him when he walked past her bedroom.
"Good morning," Joe spoke softly, crouching down as she wrapped her arms around him. "Mommy is still asleep," He murmured. "Do you and Elsie want to come and help me make some breakfast?"
Thea nodded, holding Elsie close to her chest with a grin. Even at six-thirty in the morning, Thea had so much energy. Joe smiled as she ran into the kitchen, her hair going crazy. It always made him laugh when he saw it in the mornings because Andrea had loved showing him photos of Taylor when she was Thea's age, in fact, whenever she found another one, she'd send it through. Thea's hair loved to stick out in every direction possible, loved to run wild.
Taylor had brought Thea a little apron for her birthday last year, and it had tiny cupcakes and macarons all over it. Thea ran over to the kitchen and pulled it out of the cupboard, laughing.
Thea had left it behind the last time they'd been here because she'd hidden it in a random cupboard, and Joe made a mental note to watch where she put it away so they didn't forget it again.

Taylor had a terrible night sleep. Sometimes, and these nights were rare now, she just wouldn't be able to stop her thoughts from rampaging through her head. Sometimes she'd have to lie there, staring up at the ceiling, counting each breath in and out she took because she had to distract herself. She let out a sigh as she sat up in bed, draping a hand across to the other side, but it was cold, and Joe wasn't there. This made her panic for a split second but reminded herself that he was probably with Thea, that he'd been so lovely and had let her have a sleep in.
She closed her eyes, pulling the sheets off of her. Her hand caught on the scars on her arm. Still, it made her flinch.

She hated that part of herself. She hated that she felt like she couldn't really wear singlets out in public anymore. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't know how the media reacted to celebrities with scars. The number of zoomed-in photos she'd seen of other celebrities, of their scars. She just didn't want to reveal that part of herself to the public. And Taylor knew that might be selfish, she knew that telling people might help them, but she still couldn't bring herself to talk about that part of her life. She still couldn't bring herself to think about it when she didn't have to - how on earth was she going to talk about it? Most of the time if she was talking about it with Joe, she'd end up crying. And she knew that she'd be able to help people. She knew that there were people that were going through everything that she'd been through - and worse. But she just couldn't. Sometimes the guilt just got too much for her to handle. Because she totally and completely knew that she'd be able to make a difference. But she just couldn't bring herself to have to think about it. It was such a dark time in her life, and she just couldn't. Sometimes she liked to beat herself up about the fact that she could be doing so much more to help people. She'd already donated a lot of money to charities that aided people that had been in abusive relationships, but deep down she felt like that wasn't enough. She knew that it wasn't enough, and she beat herself up about it every single day. But she'd shoved that part of her so far down inside of her, shoved all of that darkness and pain deep inside her because she knew that if she ever tried to let it out, she'd explode.