4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter twenty one.

"Have you eaten anything today?" Joe asked her softly. "Can I make you something to eat?"
The fact that he was still here, the fact that he'd been sitting beside her now for an hour, even though she'd barely said a word... it brought fresh tears to her eyes.
"I'm sorry," Taylor broke down, because it was just all too much. Joe's kindness was too much. She didn't deserve his kindness. "I'm sorry. I'm going to... I will try harder to talk about things. I know that I haven't been talking as much as I usually do. I'm sorry that I-"
"Taylor, love, you don't have to apologise." Joe reached out and cupped her cheeks, brushing her tears away with his thumb. "Things have been hard lately. There's been a lot going on. Thea started school, we moved houses, we've remained settled in the same house for longer than we've ever been before. You're pregnant, and you had to come back to this house alone. You have to give yourself some credit for everything you've been through over the last couple of months. You had to deal with all of that drama that Adam's mother stirred up, and today was the last straw." Joe spoke softly, and Taylor felt herself disintegrating with every word that passed his lips. "I'm sorry that you're feeling like this... and if I could change it, you know I would. In a heartbeat."
"I'm really sorry for getting mad and I'm sorry for not talking." Taylor closed her eyes. She could feel a pounding headache. "I know that I haven't been doing well. I haven't really eaten today. I ate a little when Patrick was here but that's it." She admitted. She'd only eaten with Patrick because she'd known that he wouldn't let her not eat anything. Because she knew that Patrick knew she struggled with eating sometimes and she didn't want to have to fight him about it. "I think that... I think that I need... to see someone about it." It was the first time she'd ever spoken those words. And they terrified her. She'd known for a while that she needed help, someone who could give her the strategies she needed to deal with all of these thoughts in her head. But she'd been ignoring those thoughts. She liked to deal with things alone. "But I'm... I'm scared because I know that I will have to address things that I don't want to."
"Unfortunately... my love, you can't heal the parts of you that you don't allow yourself to feel." He murmured. "I'm proud of you. I know that it's really hard, but you're doing so well and I can't even begin to tell you how proud of you I am."
"I'm sorry that it's like I've gone back to the place I was when we first met." Taylor murmured, the words breaking her heart. Because that's truly what it was beginning to feel like. It was like she was back in that headspace she was in all those years ago. And she couldn't put her finger on why exactly she was feeling like that. "I wish that I could tell you that I don't still think about what he did to me. I wish I could tell you that it's better. It... it was better." Taylor sighed, her breath leeching out into the cool air.
"It doesn't have to be better all the time, love. Sometimes it comes back." Joe took her hands in his. "Let's go inside - it's much too cold for you to be sitting out here. I'll find something that you feel like eating and then we'll figure out what to do next."
Joe stood up, but Taylor didn't move. She just watched him. Watched as the light from the room behind him made it look as if he was a silhouette, as if he was golden. She stood slowly as he turned to face her. She didn't say a word, just wrapped her arms around his neck, breathing in the scent of him.
"I love you," she murmured as she felt his arms wrap around her waist. This was her favourite place in the entire world. "Thank you for putting up with all of this for so long."
Joe didn't say a word until he pulled gently away, when he cupped her cheeks. "There's nothing to put up with, love. It's been a really busy and overwhelming time... and it's okay that you feel like this." He kissed the tip of her nose, wiping away a tear before he softly guided her inside.
Taylor didn't want to eat. But Joe was right. She didn't like doing things like that for herself. That's why it was always so hard for her to eat whenever Joe wasn't there or she was left on her own.
"Do you feel like Pasta?" Joe asked her as he sat her down on one of the barstools by the kitchen bench. "Would you like a salad? A bagel?"
She really didn't feel like anything. She rested her head in her hands, thinking. She had to eat, and she couldn't avoid it. She was eating for three now. That was a lot of pressure... and she didn't want that pressure. She didn't like feeling like she had to eat. But she would.
"You don't have to make something. I can make something... I don't even know what I feel like eating." Taylor sighed, standing up.
"No, no. You just sit and I'll-" Joe began, but the two of them were cut off by Thea, coming down the stairs with Elsie in her hands.
Taylor was at her side in a matter of seconds.
"What's wrong, Theabear?" Taylor was on her knees in front of her, but Thea just burst into tears and flung her arms around Taylor's neck. Thea had only ever cried like this a few times - and it always made Taylor feel so overwhelmed when it happened. It was easier now that Thea was able to communicate more, but it still hurt. She held Thea close to her chest, Elsie squished somewhere between them. Joe came and kneeled down in front of them, and he softly stroked Thea's hair as she sobbed into Taylor's chest.
"What happened? Did you have a bad dream?" Taylor asked her daughter softly. Thea was hysterically crying, and Taylor began to worry that she wasn't breathing. But she was. Taylor knew what it felt like to be this upset. Eventually, Thea nodded.
"What was it about?" Joe murmured as Thea held Elsie close to her chest.
Thea sniffled, taking a deep breath. "S-someone came and hurt me-me... and they were really really mean." The words were daggers in Taylor's heart, because the words that her daughter had just spoken were her own fears.
"You're safe. Mommy and Daddy are always going to be here to protect you." Taylor rocked slowly side to side. While Thea was like this, any of her own problems were long forgotten. "I have bad dreams too," Taylor told her softly. Thea looked up at Taylor with a look in her eyes that she'd never seen before.
"You do?" She asked with tears falling from her eyes. Taylor kept rocking softly as she wiped away her tears. She nodded.
"Sometimes they're scary and Mommy has to get a big hug from Daddy." Taylor told her honestly. "But do you know what the good thing about a nightmare is?" Taylor leaned down and softly brushed her nose to Thea's, causing a little giggle. She was relieved to hear that - because Thea was finally calming down a little. "They end, and then you get a big cuddle with Mommy and Daddy, and then we can sing you to sleep."
Thea shook her head. "I can't go back to sleep!"
Joe sighed, before speaking. "Why don't we go and play some piano, Theabear? You can snuggle with Mommy while I play." Joe offered, and Taylor smiled at him, because they both knew that this would be a sure way to get her to fall back asleep.
"Okay. But I'm not sleeping." Thea murmured stubbornly, but Taylor could already see her eyes were trying hard to stay awake.
"Of course not," Joe said as he stood up. Taylor stood up, Thea still in her arms.
Taylor knew that Joe would be worrying about the fact that she still hadn't had anything to eat... and she knew that she'd eat later. But it had been so many hours since she'd last had food. That wasn't good for the babies. She wouldn't let herself do that again. They walked up the stairs, and Taylor perched on the seat beside Joe, Thea lying in her arms. She was already half asleep as it was.
Joe began to play a soft melody, and Taylor gently rocked side to side. She softly started humming to Joe's music, leaning a head on his shoulder. He turned to look at her with a smile.