Beautifully Broken

Here Goes Nothing

I close my eyes and mentally give myself the pep talk I recite every morning about what lies on the other side of my bedroom door. You are a girl with the world at your feet, the world on the other side of this door has no desire to hurt you. Now put on your 'pretty face', take a deep breath and go chase after those dreams... I open my eyes. I'm going to have to work on re-wording that. Seeing as the "dreams" I had been chasing after I've all but given up on over... well, I'm not sure I even understand over what yet. After one last deep breath I open the door and head for the kitchen. Coffee. I need another cup of coffee, then everything will be okay.

Gliding into the kitchen I find Casen eating a bowl of cereal and reading the morning paper. He promptly looks up through his damp and disheveled bronze hair and stops chewing his food. As his perfectly plump lips goes slack, I worry the contents might fall out and following the awkward sixty seconds of him taking in my attire his green eyes finally meet mine.

"Whoa. This is weird." A voice startles me.

I turn around to find my other roommate, Emma, eying me as she gives me the once over, then the twice over, then...

"Can you stop? They're just clothes." I roll my eyes.

She continues to stare as she places another bobby pin in her perfectly French twisted blonde hair. She is a professional at French twists and I'm envious of them even on her "bad days". Wearing our usual ballet attire with sweat pants over top, she shifts her weight to lean against the door frame.

"No, I have to agree." Casen says in his thick British accent while finishing his mouthful of food. "This is weird."

"No weirder than the twins making their walk of shame through our apartment last spring." I exclaim, turning toward the coffee pot, otherwise known as my beacon of hope.

I catch Emma's silhouette out of the corner of my eye as she nods her head in that, she kind of has a point, way. Inwardly, I smirk. Emma and I always give him a playfully hard time with the multiple girls he brings home - multiple as in two and three at a time. We also never realized the GQ types could be so in lust over such plump girls with "some extra lovin' to spare" as he so aptly put it one drunken night. Casen, however, is all about "that baby got back". We're talking way more curves than the Caspians, a family in Hollywood that made their fame and money from a reality TV show and subsequent product lines. According to Casen, their "lady lumps" are false advertisements. Being in a career where eating disorders are rampant, Emma and I always found this fascinating.

"Mmmm, the fact that they totaled my height definitely came in handy." He says as his eyes glaze over.

Emma and I both scrunch our noses as we turn to look at each other. Neither of us slept that night. They were obnoxiously loud and amongst the moans, yells and slapping of skin, I swear one of them was meowing "for daddy".

"And this is still way weirder," Casen points his spoon at me before taking another mouth full of Captain Crunch.

Once chewing he continues, "Besides, there's nothing wrong with multiples or even more so a little meat on a girl. Maybe now that you're 'no longer dancing'..." he pauses to dramatize with air quotes before he rambles on, " you can put some weight on those bones. I bet you'd be even hotter, if that's possible..." he drifts off, appearing deep in thought.

Emma snorts and walks all the way into the kitchen grabbing the coffee pot from me. "Enough, Casen. Ali," She pauses to look at me, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

It was the same question she'd asked when they headed back to work last Monday and I knew the rest would follow. As she starts pouring herself a fresh cup of java she continues, "If you just talk to him, I know you guys will work things out and you can..."

I shake my head as I sip my coffee, "No, Emma. I want to do this." I try to sound convincing. "I really do need a break. I think maybe... maybe I was starting to get burnt out. Just please, you guys, give me some time." I say taking one last sip as I look at my watch and realize I'll be late if I don't go. "And try... try being supportive? Please?" I ask as I dump what's left of my coffee in the sink with a shrug.

"I'll see you guys later. Have a good day at work. Tell everyone I said hello!" I say as I make my way towards the door.

Escape is always the best policy.

"Have a great first day of school, honey," Casen calls after me sarcastically giving me his most handsome dimpled smirk ever. I sigh, shaking my head at him, but also give in and return a smile... He might be hot, but he wasn't my type. His flirtatious personality made life a little easier to take sometimes though and for that I loved him.

However, it isn't helping much today as this is bound to be anything but great. No new venture for me ever is. I'm a shaking ball of nerves already as I make my way down the stairwell and step into the hallway to walk toward the light that consumes our building's front lobby. Beyond the light is a door that either ventures out into the world I know or an alternate universe. I can't be entirely sure because I'm momentarily blinded.

As I fumble with the front door in my nervousness, I find myself praying I can get the shaking under control before I get to campus, but once the cool winter air and sunlight hit my face on the other side I square my shoulders, lift my chin and the shaking subsides. The door to the apartment building clicks behind me as if signaling for me to keep moving forward and as I make my way down the street I find a new resolve. I, Ali Anglesey, am a full-time college student who just transferred and I'm looking forward to my first semester at Boston University.

Well, here goes nothing.

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End of chapter song:
Riverside by Agnes Obel