Cigarette under moonlight (bxb)

9

TW: mention of suicide and depression.
~~

"What will you do?" I asked Kanishk, he was going alone in his car and one of Nikum's friend was dropping us off. I had asked Kanishk to drop us off but he said he needed to be alone and think about what Divine said to him and what he exactly meant by that I told him all he said was 'take care that's it and he said so what and I shut up.

"I don't know," he said in a dull voice, "I'll go and change into pyjamas watch mean girls and eat ice cream, yay" the yay was so offbeat that it made me feel weird.

"Aarav, listen, Vivian Fernandes asked me to marry him and he is the love of my life but I'm so young so you can't expect me to be all fine"

"Whose Viv- Oh you mean him I get it now but wait when did he ask-"

I was cut off by Nikum's pleading voice telling me that he was tired and wanted to go home, I sighed and looked at Kanishk who was looking at those hearts that which divine gave him, he looked fine and I was sure that he would cause no trouble while driving.

"Okay so I have to go now I'll call you in the morning so pick up my call, take care love you"

"Love you too"

~~ ( little time skip )

Nikum's friend left us at our colony gate, whose name was Sharad which he told me when he was leaving Nikum had said "bye Sharad" and he said bye then looked at me and said "by the way I'm Sharad" and drove off. I didn't even get a chance to say the name that made me sad but then I looked at Nikum and all the sadness was replaced by butterflies in my stomach.

"Thank you," I told him while we started walking and his face turned to look at me somehow even after such a long day he still managed to look so beautiful.

"For?"

"For.. being there when I was uh kind of like.. crying" I felt embarrassed about that. I wish he hadn't seen me cry I wish I never cried it was such a stupid emotion if I could erase it I would. But every time after crying I felt so light it felt as if the tears that were slipping through my eyes were carrying the stress that I had. They take it with them even for a little while but it helps.

"You know that it's perfectly fine to be vulnerable sometimes you don't always have to hide it, we don't know each other that much as we met a few days back so I don't know what you are dealing with and stuff but when I saw you today sitting there looking so..." we had reached near our houses but I wanted to stay with him, he didn't speak for what seemed like an hour. I looked at him but he was looking somewhere else I followed his gaze and it landed on the moon. The sky was clear and I could see some stars here and there and then there was the moon shining brightly, as it was late and everyone in the colony was asleep all the lights were off which left us with moonlight.

"..fragile yeah you looked so fragile and my heart broke to see you like that" 

I didn't know what to say words were coming into my mind but I was not able to form sentences. I wanted to tell him everything about my stupid life, what hurts me, what I love, whom I hate just everything. There are times when I feel like this, this sudden urge to tell someone everything I feel. It's weird.

"Let's sit down for a moment," he said and open his gate and I followed him we sat on his front porch. We were sitting side by side we were close but there was still distance and I wanted to close that gap between us and hold on to him but I couldn't do that. There were so many things I couldn't do.

"I'm gay," I said and I don't know why I said that to him but something in me was telling me to say that out loud to him. I didn't want to hide who I was from him because.. well I have no idea why but it felt right so I did it. I looked at him and he had this small smile on his face it felt like he knew or almost expected me to say this to him.

What if this is not the good smile but the bad smile? What if he is thinking about some way to hurt me— but he can't hurt me he is the sweetest human but I can't know that for sure right? He will leave and never talk to me again he must be feeling disgusted right now. I think he is thinking of some polite way to say fuck off.

My hands started to shake and that burning sensation came back again, my heartbeat fastened and breathing felt like a very hard job. I felt really weak as if all the energy I had was slowly leaving my body. My head felt heavy and I wanted to sleep everything was happening at once that I didn't notice Nikum taking my hand in his and intertwining our fingers, I felt a jolt of electricity run through my body shutting down all the depressive cells and turning them into giggly and blushy cells.

"You know when I came out to my parents it wasn't easy it was really hard than I could imagine it to be"

Hold up, rewind, he said 'came out'.

"I was so suicidal back then, everything gave me anxiety and if anyone said something to me even if they were joking I use to take it personally and overthink it for hours. I thought that there was something wrong with me because of the way society talked about us. I was thinking of killing myself because I just couldn't take that anymore uh you know how people say 'in the closet' well to be honest it felt like prison, being locked inside myself, afraid, alone, unworthy, what I feared most was my parent's reaction cause what if they disowned me or like if they locked me somewhere and leave me to rot"

"So one day I decided that all this was too much and dying would be better at least I would be free from this pain, so I took a blade and went into my bathroom I wanted to die in style but unfortunately I didn't have a bathtub, I put the blade on my wrist ready to slit it but I was also afraid of the pain and I didn't want it to fail so I tried to slit deeper and put the blade as inside as it could go, it pained very much but I didn't scream, there was blood everywhere on the floor and I couldn't feel anything else but the pain I remember taking the blade to my palm and just slashing it. Gosh I can still feel the pain, suddenly I don't know from where but my parents came to my mind and I realised that if I died and they would die too and then it felt like time was going slow and I remembered all the things that I wanted to do in life and that day we had cricket finals it was the silliest thing but at that time it was very important to me and I thought I can't die no I can't die like a loser and the last thing I remember is just screaming for my mom"

He took a deep breath and his grip on my hand tightened, it physically hurt to see him like this. I placed my other hand on his shoulder while he leaned on to me placing his head on my shoulder, right at that moment I wanted to do nothing but protect him and give him all the happiness that he deserved.

"It's okay" I whispered, "You don't have to tell me"

"I want to"

"Maybe later, you look tired and you should rest you know"

"Please stay for a while," he said in a tiny voice which made my heart break into three thousand pieces.