Blackout ✓

17 | awkward

ROMANCE WAS A CHEMICAL REACTION.

That's all. Nothing mystical or inexplicable.

A variety of physical cues such as eye contact, proximity and sexual activity triggered the release of dopamine and oxytocin. These neurotransmitters then facilitated the release of hormones—usually adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine—responsible for certain bodily reactions like increased blood pressure, shortness of breath and overheating.

In short, symptoms of a terrible asthma attack. That was love.

My unwanted feelings for Jamie were just a chemical reaction. They arose because I provided the reactants—eye contact, proximity, sexual activity—and set them over high heat. So logically, it followed that if I removed the reactants and turned down the heat, the reaction would stop. That was my master plan, leaving Halston for the Christmas break.

Three weeks of distance would fix this. Easy-peasy.

While I was at home with my parents and Aaron, I thought little of my life in Halston. But when I was alone, usually lying in bed after a lazy day, thoughts of Jamie returned full force. I didn't even think about his body. The first week, I actually thought about how immature he seemed in public, only to become curious and thoughtful in private.

"What's your type of girl, Jamie?"

My eyes shot open in the dark. Did we ever have a conversation like that? It felt so much like a memory, blurry at the edges and transparent like hydrochloric acid, and yet I couldn't imagine where we'd have spoken like that. So intimately.

After fruitlessly searching my mind, I fell asleep and woke restless.

The second week came.

The Soks' Christmas holidays were always simple, without embellishments, no tree, no gifts. It was just about spending time together as a family, which eluded me more and more the older I became. Having working-class parents would do that to you. We Skyped relatives during the days and watched Hallmark movie reruns during the evenings. At midnights, I thought about how Jamie had readily given up a night he could have used to study, hang out with friends or play video games to talk me through my endo cramps.

I thought about that fairytale he told me. What was the moral? Every fairytale was moralising. His one was no exception. The way to a girl's heart is through laughter. Probably not, but it sounded the most romantic.

Though that sucked for Jamie, because he wasn't funny in the slightest.

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By the time everyone returned to Halston, I realised I had failed spectacularly. It was as if the chemical reaction had never stopped, simmering away quietly. Either I hadn't given it long enough... or no amount of lonely nights would ever rid me of Jamie.

It was re-orientation week. The second round of house parties along the student row. The second round of bar crawls to town before the spring semester started. The second round of drinking away my emptiness.

This time a year ago, all my friends had moved into the dormitory. Jamie had merely been some annoying acquaintance of an acquaintance. The twin brother of some dude I had shared one class with the year prior. We were friends in the newly-minted, meaningless way. No knowledge of each other. No loyalties. No heartache. Now...

Now, I compared the way my sheets smelt after doing laundry to after he'd spent the night. I knew which scent I preferred, and I knew it was pathetic.

We were still ignoring each other so I could never tell this to his face, but over the holidays I had missed him. So much that hurt to look at him and not be able to touch him.