Try Again: A Brittana Story

Chapter 12

At first I feel like I'm flying. It's been so long that I almost forgot how her lips felt on mine. Almost. I haven't felt this good in years. but then it feels like I'm crashing when she gently pulls away. Her eyes are pleading and she takes in a shaky breath. 

"Brittany, w-we can't"

I had a feeling she'd say that, but it doesn't hurt any less. I give a small down and then I look down to my shoes trying to avoid the embarrassment. I can practically hear her internal battle, but in the end she lifts my head up softly by my chin. 

"Britt, it isn't that I don't want to, but everything is so complicated right now, and if  we ever do this again we need to be in a better space with each other,"

"But- San we are in a better space now. I haven't felt like this in years,"

"I know. Trust me I know," she nods, "just...give me some time. Please?" 

"Okay," I nod softly. She frowns a it and then looks into the direction of the back room. She walks into the room and she comes back with a small book in her hand. She hands it to me and I look down at it, confused. 

"Read this. N-not right now, but read it when you think you're ready to. It'll explain everything" 

"Everything about what?" I ask even more confused than before 

"Just... everything," 

Her response is just as vague as before, so I don't push it anymore. Instead I just nod. She sighs and pats my shoulder. 

"Look Britt, I have to finish," she gestures to the box that she was holding before, "packing Dani's things"

"Okay, I'll leave you to it. Bye San," I give her a small wave. She smiles and waves back. As I walk out of the building, I look down to the book again. As I look closer I realize what book it is and I smile. It's the journal she got a while ago, and swore she'd never use. I guess she did use it then. I start the walk back to the house, and when I finally get there, Quinn isn't back yet. I go to my room and I put the book on my bed. I sit down in front of it and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to open it. It'd give me some type of insight on San's life and I don't know if I'm ready to face it. Or maybe I am ready. I frown and sigh, moving the book to my bedside table. I'm not tired but somehow I bring myself to lay down. My thoughts are racing and maybe sleep will calm me down. Maybe. I lay there for what feels like hours. All I can think of is Santana though. Seeing her has been so surreal, because she's acting like the old Santana again. The one I haven't seen in a while until I moved back to Lima. Maybe moving here helped her. My mind somehow goes all the way back, to one of the last times I've seen her like this. 

+++

I walk into the house, and I hang my jacket up on one of the hooks. I walk into the living room and I sit on the couch with a loud sigh. I hear Santana walk in, and I raise a brow because she hasn't been home this early in a while. She also seems surprisingly sober. She walks to the living room and gives a small smile. 

"Are you...okay?"  My head snaps up when she speaks. She's been avoiding me for months and we've barely said 2 words to each other. 

"Uh...yeah"

She sits next to me on the couch and my heart starts racing. She looks at me softly and  it feels like maybe everything could be okay again. Even though I know it can't.  

"I um- I was going to order some pizza, do you...want some?" she asks slowly 

"Uh...I- yeah, sure," I nod cautiously. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of waiting for the catch here. 

"Okay," she steps out of the room to order and I frown. I haven't interacted with her this much in so long. It's the best I've felt in months, but I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. Because I know it may be a one time thing.

She walks back into the room and smiles at me again. She has her old energy and bounce in her step again today and it has me drawn to her. I catch myself staring, so instead I shake my head and look down to my hands. 

"How- how was work?" I ask cautiously. The last time I asked her about work she gave me a look that could kill

"It was...good. Better than other days. What about you?" she asks, her voice soft

"Yeah same it was good," I look back up at her and her eyes look softer than they have in a while. I find myself getting lost in them like I always have, and probably always will. Well, maybe not always. Because after all of this is over I may never see her again. The thought makes me exhale a shaky breath. All I want to do is hug her again. She always makes me feel more comforted that I've ever felt. Before I do something that I'd probably seriously regret, the doorbell rings. I jump up to get it, trying to collect my thoughts on the way. I pay the guy, even though I could hear Santana insisting that she should pay behind me. I bring the box over to the living room and I set it on the table. She takes a slice and stares at me with a smile. Maybe everything could be okay. 

+++

I instantly sit up at the memory. I grab the book from my table and set it in front of me again. Now is the time to read it. I take a deep breath, and then I open it up to the first page.