Spoken Poetry 4

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avAnitseiramArpse
av AnitseiramArpse
                                    
                                              Guiltiness
is one 
of my 
worst enemy.

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                          "Ate ouh."-sabi ng kapatid ko habang inaabot sa'kin 'yung module niya.
                          "Gagawin ko diyan?"-maldita ko pang tanong sakanya.
                          "Diba magpapasa ka ng module mo ngayon? Paki pasa narin ng akin."
                          "Eh kung sumama ka nalang kaya sa'kin?"
                          "Ayuko! Wala 'yung isang bike natin."
                          "Manghiram ka."
                          "Ikaw na kasi."-pangungulit niya pa sa'kin.
                          "Bakit ba ayaw mung magpasa?"
                          "Nahihiya ako, okay?" -singhal niya pa sa'kin.
                          "Puro ka nalang talaga hiya eh no?"
                          "Paki mo ba?"-maldita niya pang tanong. 
                          "Jusmey naman! Hinding-hindi mawawala 'yang hiya na yan sa katawan mo kung hindi mo haharapin 'yung mga taong pwede mong makasalabong. Kung puro nalang hiya 'yang paiiralin mo!" -Pagkasabi at pagkasabi ko nun. Agad siyang umalis. Pero huminto rin.
                          "Kahit kailan napaka selfish mo! Wala kang kwentang kapatid! Eh kung ayaw mong ipasa edi 'wag! Kaya walang nagtatagal sa buhay mo eh!" -sigaw niya sa'kin tsaka na umalis ng tuluyan. Medyo kumirot 'yung puso ko kaya agad na rin akong lumabas at kinuha 'yung bike tsaka pumunta sa school. 
                          Habang nag ba-bike ako. Naalala ko muli 'yung sagutan namin ng kapatid ko. Gusto ko lang naman na magkaroon siya ng confidence kapag about na sa school 'yung pag-uusapan. Pero bakit ganon? Bakit ganon parin 'yung trato niya? Hindi ako mabait na kapatid sakanya. Hindi ako mabait na ate but, I just want the best for her. Ayaw kong lagi siyang umasa sa ibang tao. Sa'kin dahil di namin alam kung kailan ako mamatay. Hindi namin alam kung tatalikuran ba siya ng mga taong nilalapitan niya pag dating ng araw. Gusto ko lang naman maging handa siya sa lahat. 
                          Lalong kumirot 'yung puso ko dahil na rin sa nararamdaman kung guilt tsaka doon sa huli niyang sinabi. This time I just also want to choose myself. Gusto kung sarili ko naman muna 'yung iisipin ko kaya hindi ko rin tinanggyap 'yung pakiusap niya pero di ko inakala na ganon 'yung mangyayari. 
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                          I hate it.
I hate it everytime i'll felt this guilt.
This guilt inside my heart and head.
Because it hurt me so damn. 
So damn that I couldn't stop my tears,
To fall down. 
I wanted to ignore it.
I just want to choose myself.
But, why?
Why can't my hypothalamus let my heart? 
Selfishness!&nbsp;Yes it is! 
But it is also self-love.
I want to love myself again.
Because, right now 
I, myself is the only one I have.
No one's there everytime I break down.
No one's there everytime I want someone to talk.
No one's there! 
And the worst part.
No one's there every time I want someone's shoulder to lay down.
Everytime I can't take my own pain
It hurt so much that I just want to die.
It hurts so much to the point that I'll think that I want to commit suicide.
I hate it.
So much.

                          

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                          A/N
                          Don't let yourself depending on someone. Don't let yourself to be unloved by you because if you'll allow it, at the end of the day you'll promptly lose the real you. It's okay to feel guilty but, don't let that guiltiness drag you down.