But Now, I Know

I Couldn't Save Her

"Thank you. You were always the one who made me feel powerful."

"I will send you another message when I am ready to light the Fires of Idirsholas."

"And I will be ready for it."

They smiled at each other and after a few more rushed words of goodbye, parted ways into the morning wood.

Morgana strolled happily through the brush, taking in the beauty of the dawn and the sounds of the forest waking to greet her. She smiled to herself. Things were falling into place. 

She stopped suddenly, hearing a strange sound that startled her. Was it an animal? No, it couldn't be. It was definitely a person. She crept closer, hoping not to startle whoever the stranger was. As she drew nearer she could clearly make out what the sound was. Someone was crying. Deep guttural sobs that ripped through their chest and came up in unpredictable bursts. She peered through the brush and gasped. It was Merlin. It was Merlin on his hands and knees, weeping into the ground covered in leaves. Even with all the hate that Morgana carried in her heart for this boy, it was painful to watch and before she could stop herself, she realized she was crying with him. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks as she watched, unsure of what to do.

After some time, his gasps and sobs quieted, but he stayed where he was, shaking in the foliage. 

"Merlin?"

He didn't look up. 

She drew closer. "Merlin?"

He still said nothing, but moved toward her, collapsing into her arms with a new wave of sobs and tears. 

"Merlin?" On instinct, she held him tighter, trying to lesson the quivering of his chest. "Merlin, what is it?"

She didn't remember Merlin being this upset about anything the first time she lived through these days. Maybe she just didn't notice.

"Merlin..."

"I couldn't save her..." he mumbled into the embrace. "I couldn't save her..."

"Who? Who couldn't you save?"

He didn't say, answering her question with more tears and strangled cries. She held him tighter still. 

What was she doing? She was comforting the enemy?! 

It was to throw him off the scent, she told herself. He needed to believe that she was his friend in order for their plan to work. But the longer she remained with him on the forest floor, she began to wonder if that's why she really stayed. I'm just curious about what could have possibly made Merlin feel this way! half of her mind screamed at her. He looks like Mordred, the other half said. He looks like Mordred after Kara was executed. It had been Morgana who comforted him then, and now...

"Who Merlin? What happened?"

"Why couldn't I save her? Why am I not good enough?"

"I don't know, Merlin. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Freya."

"Freya?"

Another sob escaped his lips at the repetition of the name. 

"Who's Freya?"

"Freya's... Freya's... she's gone."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he said, suddenly pulling away and realizing the situation. "Why- why are you in the woods?" he managed, still fighting to maintain an expression that didn't resemble anguish.