The start of forever (*AFTER EVER HAPPY FANFIC*)

Chapter 8- Deepest darkest thoughts

TESSA POV

"Tess, we need to go" Hardin whispers in my ear, lightly kissing the side of my neck and removing his arms from around my waist.
I turn around to face him and see the others making their way back to the bus.
"I really could stay here forever" i say as i turn back to face the view, dropping my shoulders in dissapointment at having to leave this beautiful place.
"We'll come back for our wedding anniversary" Hardin takes my hand and pulls me along with him back towards the bus. I take one last glance over my shoulder and then wrap an arm around his waist as we walk, he looks down at me with a smile and kisses my forehead.

The hours seems to drag by on the bus journey home, i can't help but feel a sudden sadness as i watch the world go by out of the window. This mornings dream catches up to me and i can't seem to shake it, i know i need to talk to Hardin about it but deep down i'm worried what his reaction will be. I don't want to ruin how perfect the past few days have been by having an argument. The last time we spoke about it, he really upset me and made me feel like a burden. The thought of never being able to give him children and to have my own family is soul destroying. I've repressed these emotions and feelings for so long, i don't know why all of a sudden they threaten to pour over the edge.

My eyes fill with water and it takes all my strength to hold them back and stop myself from bursting into tears. My nails dig into my palms as i try to stop myself, i make sure my head is turned away from Hardin as much as possible. Not that it matters, he's fast asleep, his mouth hanging open.

Just a few hours ago i'd felt hopeful, like anything was possible only to now be dragged back to the harsh reality. I will never be a Mother. Hardin will never be a Father. He said he was willing to make that sacrafice, that he didn't care and that he loves me anyways. Have i ripped away his potential future? Have i destroyed his chances of ever being able to have a content and happy life?
Tessa don't be so synical, the man has just married you for god sake, i tell myself trying to pull myself from this dark place i seem to have landed in. Just as i feel myself swimming back to the surface from the deepest parts of my mind Hardin awakens and takes hold of my hand.

HARDIN POV

Christ aren't we back to the hotel yet, my skin feels sticky with all the sweat and my hairs greasy as fuck. I take Tessa's hand and look up to see a pained expression on her face.
"Everything ok?" I ask.
"Yes i'm just tired, it's been a long day" Her eyes re-focus and she turns to face me. I know her alot better than she thinks and i know she's full of shit. Ever since this morning she's been acting different, spaced out, like she's in another world. I bet it has something to do with that bad dream she had lastnight, which she said she'd tell me about later.
I decide not to ask her until were back at the hotel.

It's dark by the time we arrive and i'm exhausted. I could easily fall asleep but not before i find out whats been bothering Tess all day. She slipped off to the bathroom as soon as we got into the hotel room and i leave her to shower and change alone, seems like she needs it. Once she appears again, hair tied back in a towel and my tshirt on, i hop into the shower myself. It feels amazing to finally wash away the sweat and dirt from my skin and hair.

When i step back into the bedroom Tess is laid in bed on her phone, she look's tired too and part of me thinks we should just get some sleep but i'm desperate to know whats got her all quiet and withdrawn.

"What you up to?" I ask her as i slip into bed beside her.
"Just texting Landon, he wanted to see pics of the Grand Canyon" she turns the phone towards me, showing me a shot of the view from the ridge we stood looking at for what seemed like hours. I appreciate the beauty of it more looking at the photo, at the time i was too focused on how hot and tired i was.

"So you said you'd tell me about that dream later and since it is now later, what happened?" I ask and she places her phone on the bedside table and turns towards me.
"I want to tell you, i do. I've wanted to talk to you about it all day but i don't want it to ruin what an amazing few days we've had" she responds and looks down towards our hands. Jesus what dream can be so bad she's scared to tell me?
"Tess, i'm not going to get mad. Just tell me, i want to know, you've been acting strange all day" i place a finger under her chin and bring her face back to face mine. She takes a deep breath, pauses for a moment as if contemplating whether she should really tell me or not and then she says,
"I had a dream we had a child. A daughter. And she was perfect, and we were perfect and our life was perfect. She was called Emery and she had your eyes and she adored you" another pause...
"But it was just a dream. A dream that will never become a reality. Because i can't give you children"
A tear trickles down her cheek, landing on the crisp white bedding.

For a moment i'm unsure of what to say.
"Baby, i know how much you want children and i know how much it worries you that this isn't enough for me. But i love you Theresa Young, and nothing will ever change that. Even if we can't have children, i will still love you every single hour of every single day. There is more to life and marriage than just children Tessa, we have so much ahead of us and who knows maybe miracles do happen and maybe one day we will be parents, but if that doesn't happen i will still be the happiest man alive just to live along side you and i will do everything i can to make you happy" she stares at me in shock whilst more tears spill from her eyes.

"I love you so much" is all she says and she takes my head in both her hands and crushes her lips against mine.

*THANKYOU so much for your patience in waiting for a new chapter!! For a while i was unsure of how i wanted to carry this on but now i have a pretty clear vision in my mind & i hope you'll stick around for more!!* please let me know what you thought of this chapter xxx