Painting Flowers (A Jack Barakat fanfic)

Chapter 21

*Kathryn's POV*

It's been 3 weeks since I recieved the news of my parents death. Or at least I think it's been 3 weeks. That's what they all tell me. Since then, I've attended the funeral and presented my own eulogy which was, of course, not the easiest thing for me to do. Peter and Isobel have also begun to file papers to take custody of me, since my legal guardians are back in Glastonbury and at the moment, it seems as though they're not fit to take care of me. As well as that, Peter and Isobel believe I haven't been in the best "state" to fly. But their most important arguement is that they know how close I am to Alex and his friends. They'd hate for me to have to leave them. They fear that it might put me in an even worse emotional and mental state than the one I'm currently in.

Isobel took me to see Alex's old therapist a few days ago. Days? Weeks? Maybe months. Perhaps it was mere hours ago. I don't know. I seem to have lost touch with reality completely these days. Time feels the same to me. I'm beginning to question everything - the existance of myself and the universe, the relevance and relationship of time and space, matter in itself. Things that I would not even have begun to comprehend less than 2 months ago. Anyways, the therapist.

She was nice. Asked me questions. Didn't push for answers. She didn't seem fake or judgemental either but on the other hand, after you've heard it all, you probably learn how to either abolish all judgement or conceal it. She and Isobel discussed my current state. My lack of sleep, focus, food and motivation. Of course, they suspect it's depression. And when I do feel anything? It's a pain or a feeling of constant fear of the unknown - Who and what will I lose next? What if someone's unhappy? Is that my doing? The therapist suggested anxiety and panic attacks, just like Alex. I've been denying it all. I'm fine, honestly. It's just a rough patch. I've just lost my god damn parents. I'm sure it's normal for me to feel this way, even for a while. Even if I felt like this before the incident. It's normal.

Right?

But being accused of being a victim to mental illness isn't the only issue on my mind right now.

Jack. Jack Barakat. Jack and I. Jack Barakat and I.

What the hell are we? We're not an official thing and we're not dating and we're sure as hell not friends with benefits or anything close to that. There's something there. We've kissed and we both know that what we feel for each other, about each other, it's more than just a small crush. We're both hungry for something more between us. Ravenous, even. So what's the hold up? Me. I'm the hold up. I feel so damn guilty. Jack hasn't looked at me the same since the night I turned him down. He's trying, my god I know he is. But it's hard for him. Forcing himself to push his feelings aside and be there as a best friend, as I requested. Not a day goes by where I don't want to grab him by his stupid head and kiss him with everything I've got left in me. I want him so badly, but there's something stopping me. Fear. I know I'm quite a mess right now. And if Jack and I were to become something, Jack would try his best to help me. But what if that attention, that love, that assisstance changes from a need to a want? What if I pull him in? And what if it drags on for longer than expected? I could never put Jack through that torture. The torture of me. I am a form of torture. My presence is torture to everything and everyone around me. I am a burden. A huge burden. There is a voice in my head that tells me these things each day. That voice has been there for some time. Telling me how I am a burden and a wreck and I should not drag Jack or any of the other boys into this. It tells me that Jack, Alex, Zack and Rian all got fed up with me and my stupid behavior long ago. They're done with me. My friends are all done with me. I'm done with me. I want out of my body, this situation, this reality, this everything. 

"Kat?" Alex's morning voice fills my ears, hauling me from the little sleep I managed to grasp. "C'mon. We're gonna miss the bus. Mum made you breakfast." He says.