REINCARNATE

29.5, maybe, there were no regrets to be felt.

"I think the most painful moment of my life was telling her that this was going to happen." That was Kenta's only comment before the needle entered his body. He'd spent his last month purposely disconnecting from as many people as possible, to save them the hurt for when they received the news of his death, but there was one person who he absolutely could not afford to lose his connection with: his mother.

"Kenta!? Why are you in the hospital?!" Her sharp voice filled the room, and for a moment Kenta almost flinched. Almost.

"Mom, listen please." He gestured to the chair and waited patiently for her to settle down before speaking.

"I worked really hard this year. I made a lot of money, and I've signed all of it under your name, all of it. You'll be able to retire early, get some rest." Kenta broke off suddenly, a sharp ripple of pain stiffened his body.

"What are you saying? Aren't you using the money for your tuition?" She spoke quickly, still unaware to what he was trying to get at.

Kenta inhaled deeply, exhaled, and forced his hands to stop trembling, his voice to steady.

"Mom, I'm dying. I have been for a while, and I haven't been using the money on my tuition. I dropped out of school a couple months ago, negotiated a full refund so that I could pay for treatment without you noticing."

The look on her face was a spear that stabbed him straight in the heart, a look of pure betrayal, disbelief, anger, grief. It took everything he had not to burst into tears then. He was so scared, scared of dying, scared of leaving her the way his father left her, alone and stricken in a world where people were only expected to grow stronger from trauma.

"I requested for euthanasia." His voice trembled. "It's in my blood, there's no way to save me and trust me when I say I tried, I really did. It hurts, mom, and I'm not talking about me. I know it's killing you because you feel responsible for everything that's happened to me—"

"How could I not?!" She yelled in his face, her purse clattered out of her grasp and spilled open onto the ground but she paid no mind to the mess.

To Ichirou she shot to her feet and grasped his arm, the fabric of his white coat twisting beneath her grip, her disbelief choking her words. "Please tell me he's joking, it's just the medication messing with his head. I know you're still in school and you're not certified doctor yet but tell me there's still a way to save him. Please, please, I'm begging you, don't tell me I'm going to lose my only child."

Ichirou remained silent for a moment. As Kenta's frenemy and former vice captain, he'd taken the news hard. As much as he disliked the golden-haired boy, Kenta had poured so much effort into allowing him to chase his own goals, even going as far as lending him the spotlight during nationals so he could negotiate with his father and drop out of volleyball. Despite everything, Kenta had his back, so as much as he wanted to deny, he shook his head quietly. "I'm sorry."

"No..." Kenta's mother began to cry, her knees hitting the tile floor as her thin body shook with heart-wrenching sobs. Kenta tried to reach out to her, but really at this point even sitting up was near excruciating, and so he watched, barely able to maintain his brave face, as his mother stood by herself.

He hated the sound of crying, he hated being the reason why people cried, and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to get up and leave, but he forced himself up into a sitting position and calmly waited for her to quiet down.

"When?" She asked after a while, when the ward was empty and she sat in a chair so that they could speak face to face.

"Tomorrow." Kenta grasped her hand gently. "In the afternoon, and I don't want you to be there when it happens, I don't want anyone to be there. I've already spoken to Mei, and y/n's parent's. I don't think I have the guts to say goodbye to her face, but that's mainly because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"Why? Don't you want to see your friends one last time?" She closed her eyes then, unable to look at him for fear that if she did she would only break down even more. He looked older than her, his skin near translucent. She couldn't bear it, to look upon his sunken face and not see a bright chubby toddler who once cried over the death of a bee even though he was the one who'd been stung.

"More than anything." Kenta blinked back his tears. "But I'm doing this for you. I know how it feels to watch someone you love die, knowing that there was nothing you could do. So I want you to be at home when it happens, sitting on the couch with your favourite show playing on the TV. I don't want you to be alone, so call a friend over or something. You poured everything into giving me a good life, including sacrificing your own so that I could chase my dreams and make you proud, now I'm giving you mine. I know you never really let go of dad, but I want you to live your own life, a free life, not mourning those who aren't with you anymore. Let me go, please. It's what I want."

"I wish I could've been a better mother. I regret it so much, and now you won't even give me time to make it up to you, how cruel." Kenta ran his thumb over he knuckles soothingly, keeping his eyes fixated to her own.

"There's nothing to make up for." He reassured. "But I do wish I got to spend more time with you, maybe learn to cook your favourite foods, tell you about all the funny things that made me happy."

Kenta broke down a little then, his walls cracked, and in that moment of vulnerability his voice dropped to a trembling whisper.

"I'm scared of suffering, I don't want to feel anymore pain, delay the inevitable. I just wanted to see you one last time because you were the one who brought me into this world, so I wanted your face to be the one I saw on my way out as well, I want to remember you. I am— so sorry I wasn't better to you. I was self-absorbed and insensitive, I took you and everyone around me for granted, without realizing that people can walk out of my life as easily as I can walk out of theirs, losing Rin was enough for that. I love you mama, setting you free is the last thing I can do for you, so I hope it's enough."

"It's more than enough." She cried in a panic, lunging forward to hug him tightly. "Your happiness and your safety have been the only things I've ever wanted. What am I supposed to do when you're gone?"

"Move forward." Kenta smiled, his gaze undimmed and dazzling as it had always been. "Find a new path to walk, and if there isn't one laid for you, pave it yourself. People like us, we can't linger on the things we don't have anymore, the people who've left us for good, we've gotta keep pushing in order to live and keep living."

His mother cracked the tiniest of smiles. "Wise words from a boy so young."

He didn't honour her tease with a response. Instead he glanced towards the tiny window in his ward, a peacefulness dulling the pain in his chest.

It was raining.