Black suits

Chapter 29 ❁ Euthanasia

Or Hagrid's hut.

And it was green.

Green like the trees.

Or the socks Ron wore on St. Patty's day.

Or Harry's eyes.

Or the cap of the peppermint chapstick I'd gotten Draco.

And finally white.

Like our white roses.

I smiled as my body fell to the floor, cracking against the floorboards and leaking red on my white shirt.

Red red red red. 

My very favorite color.

❁❁❁

How long has it been?

I pick myself up from the floor and Voldemort is gone.

Except that I'm not really standing because I see my body on the floor, leaking blood everywhere. I looked at peace I think.

"Hello?" I call out into the darkness.

"You got lucky," a voice says from behind me.

"I'm not dead?" I ask as I whip around.

The face that meets my eyes takes me completely by surprise.

Lily Potter's eyes, her hair, her smile. 

I really was dead.

"I'm sorry sweet girl. You are dead, there isn't anything we can do to change it," she says.

"Then why am I lucky?" I ask.

"Before you died, Lord Voldemort saw your blood did he not?" she asks me.

I nod. When I had tried to kill myself he saw my blood, I suppose that counts.

"Because your blood was spilt before him once before, the blood that is spilled now will allow you an exception of sorts. You will be able to travel as a ghost, you will not be tied to this one spot."

Was this supposed to make me feel better? I could travel but I was still dead.

"There is one more part," she whispers. "You may cast a single spell more if the tip of your wand is dipped into the blood you spilled when you died."

"A spell? That's it?" 

"That's a lot more than most people get Evangeline. Be grateful."

I knew she was trying to help. I knew that. But everything seemed like nothing and none of it mattered anymore so a single spell shouldn't do anything for me.

Except that there was something I could do, something I should do that will allow me to rest easily.

"Thank you," I say to Lily. She smiles and I feel comforted. Like once I cast this spell I could come back here and live with her, like a mother and daughter.

I dip my wand into my own blood and leave the house quickly, feeling uneasy about how long I had to cast the spell I want to.

I can't disapparate seeing as I can't really use my wand for any spells but one so I walk. I walk for miles, or float I guess.

It puts me into a dissociative state, not being able to feel the wind on my skin or the chill in the air.

Finally I spot the castle in the the distance. Standing beautifully, its windows all illuminated and warm looking.

The rising sun is in one corner of my vision, sending pink and orange streaks across the sky and making everything a little bit brighter even though it is, at least for the most part, still extremely dark.

I see a window opening, the window Draco and I snuck out of the night we first kissed.

Draco climbs out of it and my hands fly to cover my mouth, afraid he'll hear or see me even though I know he can't.

"ANGEL!" he screams.

He's realized I left.

"EVANGELINE!" he calls again. There are tears spilling down his cheeks and his voice is harsh and cracking.

He falls to his knees a few feet away and I slowly walk towards him.

"Draco," I whisper, although I know he cannot hear me.

He looks up, as if feeling my presence. 

"Angel?" he whispers.

"Draco! Draco can you hear me?" I ask loudly.

But he looks back towards the ground, not understanding I am here.

I kneel next to him, trying to press my hands to his cheeks. They go through and he doesn't move an inch.

Now I'm crying.

Except not really because my cheeks do not get wet, my tears never fall and I never cry out.

I'm a ghost who cannot even cry over the boy that she loves.

So I lean forward and touch my lips to Draco's. I know that I could go all the way through him but I believe that by sheer force of will I can make it, at least seem like, we are truly kissing again.

I want to feel his warmth again. I want to hold his hand. How do I manage a something like this.

"Come back to me, just come back Angel you're the only reason I believe in love," he whispered.

"I'm here my love. I'm here," I say softly back.

Nothing. Absolutely no reaction.

He picks a white rose from a bush within his reach and cuts his finger on a thorn.

I reach down, unthinkingly, and try to wipe it off, panicking for a moment when I realize I cannot.

Finally I stand again, not being able to take this kind of pain.

My last spell.

"Draco Lucius Malfoy my heart will always belong to you. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the first pain I felt. The pain that started whatever this is now.The part that stopped me from being happy. I remember that feeling vividly. I remember the first cuts that were the very deepest. The moments I thought would never end. Is this pain I feel now all that different? Yeah, I think it is. Because now I'm not cutting fresh cuts, I'm ripping apart the old ones. I hope one day we will meet again and you will not hate me for doing this now," I was as close to real tears as I could get. It hurt like hell to have him sitting there, completely unaware of my presence. "Goodbye my love."

I raise my wand, noting the dried blood on the tip and prepared myself for the end of everything.

Draco's head raised, looking directly through me and almost stopping me in my tracks.

But no.

He didn't see me.

And in a way that was worse than being ignored by the bad boy Draco Malfoy in the great hall on your first day of your sixth year of school.

It was being invisible to the one person you desperately want to be seen by.

The end of everything came in a single word.

"Obliviate."