Midnight thoughts

↳ hurting

Useless. Mistake. Failure.

She was hurting. She wanted everyone to know but she didn't want any help. She didn't want to get better. Because what would she do without the pain? Who would she be without all the hurt? The truth was, the dark place she had been in for as long as she could remember was the only thing remotely interesting about her. Her only chance at being unique. She didn't want to be strong anymore. She wanted the world to pity her. She wanted to receive love even if she couldn't give. She wanted to be spoiled even if she didn't deserve it. She hung on to this toxic thought because it was the only thing keeping her alive.

You see, most people try to keep their heads above water, they try not to drown. But her, she wanted to keep her head underwater for as long as possible. It was the only thing capable of muffling the sounds of the world around her, the voices telling her that she was loved. It was the only place where she could truly be at peace with herself. Alone with her thoughts. Oh what a perfect paradox she was! She complained about her life all the time but she pushed away everyone who cared about her, everyone who loved her a little too much. Yes, she was loved! That much was obvious. However, she kept denying the fact, preferring to lock herself in a world of her own making, filled with neglect and disappointment towards her. This way, maybe someone would finally look at her the way she wanted, the way she needed. She was an attention-seeker! She knew it was wrong but she just couldn't help herself.

And if God's way wasn't going to give her what she wanted, she would start praising the Devil.