Bullet | Suicidal Todoroki x Midoriya

9.5 | Ignorance

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Shoto Todoroki

"You don't have to harden your heart to help you cope, Shoto. You don't have to be a prisoner of your own blood, either. You can still be the person you want to be, as long as you know who you are."

"What was I supposed to be, Mom?"

"Something that doesn't exist—a perfect creation. A perfect weapon... You're not a creation. You're not a weapon. You're my human son, Shoto..."

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"Why do I feel more like a weapon than a human?"

Rei was silent—perhaps nonplussed.

"After all, weapons don't have hearts..."

Shoto winced at the memory of his mother. He attempted to tamp down that memory before he was chained by his mind and forced to remember any other memories pertinent to his mother—the one he would forever say he was culpable for the death of. Yet, by unconsciously supplicating for the flow of his memories to perish again, another ordeal was dredged up.

"You act like you don't have a heart, but damn is that smile sexy. Ain't an empty one..."

"Hm? What smile? I think you've had one too many drinks."

"You had one too many."

"Ve-ery funny..."

"Hey... I love you. Like, fuck. No lies here."

"Mm. My heart doesn't have room for that."

"Your lips disagree, asshole. Fuck, lemme make you mine..."

Did I love him? Shoto asked himself while walking off towards the kids' rooms. I don't think so... I loved knowing that he loved me. Knowing that he genuinely cared about me. Knowing that he wanted me. Maybe I wanted validation for my existence. He was the only thing keeping me going. He praised me for it. I loved that. I wanted him to tell me I was needed, even if for his own desires. I wanted him to thank me for choosing to live. I wanted him to love me...because I couldn't love myself. I couldn't tell myself any of that. The first time...was a drunk accident. But it changed everything. He really was a friend with benefits. I needed someone to stabilize me and keep me stable. He did that so easily. Without knowing it himself, he knew exactly how to do it. I needed him. I wanted him. Maybe I did love him. But overall, all I did...was use him. That's the kind of person I've become? Pathetic...

As Shoto approached his kids' rooms, he could decipher more of their muffled words as he crept closer. His curiosity culminated, and thus. he figured that listening to another sentence or two would not serve as any sort of pivotal fulcrum.

Yuujin's voice whispered through Shoto's ears. "...was feeling. Thanks, I guess. I hate the person Dad's become." All but Yuujin's voice felt silenced to Shoto as he digested the words being shoved into his mind. "I absolutely hate him... Kiru, I know how you feel. He's not our real dad either way. I don't want to believe it, but our old dad isn't coming back. He's dead. I tried my hardest to portray that for the piece I played for you. If he was in a war, he should know who's an enemy and who's an ally. We're family, but he acts like Papa's the enemy. Like we're nuisances related to his enemy. I hate that... I hate him. He's so perfect, but he's just a monster beneath it. All I see in the mirror...is him. Both my hair and eyes are unnatural, just like his. Even my normal expression looks like his. I don't want to resemble him, but it's...not fair.

"Rina said that Dad's still fighting, even though the war's over, and she isn't wrong—Dad's fighting all of us like we're his enemies. Papa deserves someone so much better, wouldn't you think? All Dad cares about is alcohol. He's more concerned about alcohol than us. I wouldn't be surprised if they got a divorce. Who would want to be with an abusive alcoholic? Papa's too sweet... I hope they do. I don't want to have any ties to Dad. Not after all of this. Sorry, I know I talk about him a lot. I wish he'd leave. Just because you get to kill people on the battlefield doesn't mean you can start to slowly kill your own family."

Shoto's mind was impregnated by the coruscating words being thrust at his temples. His heart was an intermittent chain of crying thunder as it pulsed in his throat. His head was an arena, and no longer was it capable of apprehending the beast that was thought to have been repressed. With a cacophonous rumble and a tempestuous roar, the beast was unfettered like a flame doused in gasoline.

'Kill yourself,' Shoto's mind sibilated in a baritone, rusted growl. There will be no atoning for the depths of your inexcusable sins. No clemency, no vacillation, no margins for consideration. You deserve to die. You deserve to fucking die. Your hands have bathed in the blood of countless soldiers. Your eyes have observed without remorse the suffering and torture of countless souls. Your ears have become deaf to the screams of agony of countless living beings. Your heart has formed an impenetrable shield of ice to ignore any and all pain from anyone and anything. You're married and have three kids, yet you still slept and went beyond with another man. Aren't you abashed? You allowed alcohol to be the solution, but it never was and never will be. Your ignorance knows no bounds. 'Kill yourself.'

Kirusuke began to speak. "Yeah... Like, no dad that can be called a dad would ever hurt his family. Dad isn't the monster in the house with us. Whatever came back, it...seriously scares me, Yuu. It tried to kill Papa. I don't wanna see it ever again, but it lives here. I just want... I just want our old Dad back. Yeah, this one has obviously struggled cuz of war, but how do you forget...that you love your own family? You musta not loved them." A pause threatened to strangle Shoto's heart as he listened to his sons' conversation. "Yuu, is he why you always wear colored contacts to school?"

"Right... I'd dye my hair to a natural color if I could. All I ever wanted was to make them proud to have chosen us to adopt. Why us? What was so special about us? How did they love us that much? They kept us all together, and we're not related by blood. I don't want to admit it, but I'm terrified of being alone. Dad started to make it feel like we didn't exist, and already, I didn't exist to my actual parents. They didn't want me, so they threw me away. Dad was nice, but he changed into someone too painfully familiar. I didn't want to be attached to someone like that. He didn't do anything about it. I...must not matter to him. So, he doesn't matter to me. Things would have been better off without him. All he did was hurt us when he came back. He hit Papa, tried to kill him, screamed at us, and only cared about the alcohol. Papa's too kind for his own good. Dad's using him. I doubt he ever loved Papa."

'Kill yourself.'

With gaping, burning eyes, Shoto pried himself away from his son's room and slipped his hand into his pocket. He had hit a point where he always carried a blade with him. He stared vacantly at the floor as he lumbered off to the bathroom, and although he was unable to feel it, a thrawn, subtle smile had shattered his frown.

'Kill yourself.'

Shoto created a canvas of frothing, gleaming vermillion. Stars of a midnight-red were splattered across rivers of cerise that drooled down across branches and pooled against the ground. With his silver, fine paintbrush, Shoto pivoted from slashing streaks and creeks of cherry onto his canvas to pummeling the crimson-dipped end of his paintbrush into his canvas to generate dripping orbs of blood.

Clink!

The bloodied blade fell from Shoto's bloodied hand. As though he'd written his inner spiel in blood across his body, the fallen blade might have been his microphone.

I have everything I could have wanted, Shoto cogitated while feebly dressing his mass production of self-inflicted wounds. I have everything I need. I have family, a home, and everything... It feels like luxury. How do I deserve it? I don't. I don't deserve this family. They would be better off without the monster I've become. They deserve someone who treats them right. I...

'Kill yourself.'

"I don't deserve to be alive."