You Had Me All Along

You Had Me All Along - Chapter 39

   At the front door, as I hugged him, he whispered into my ear, "I had the best day."

   "Thank you for coming," I said back, holding him close.

   "Come over tomorrow?" he asked, still not loosening his grip.

   "Yes."

   Our eyes met and he kissed me once, then again. "I love you. Have a good sleep."

   "You too," I said quickly. "And I love you."

   He hugged me again and backed away, and I was already missing his touch by the time he got down the sidewalk and to his car. I waved as he drove away, something pulling my heart all the while.

   The next afternoon, everything felt too real. The party and the drinks and the fire were so nice, but it was all just leading up to the moment when Michael was to leave. He wasn't dying. It wasn't like we wouldn't see him again. We could FaceTime. But things wouldn't be the same, and we all knew it. We all huddled outside around Michael's car, tears in all of our eyes. My mom was doing a good job at being strong, but the flood gates opened as she hugged him, telling him she was proud of him for everything he'd done so far in his life. I hugged him, and then Rose, and wished them luck on their new life, while tears poured down my cheeks. And then I disappeared inside, because I didn't want to watch my brother literally drive out of my life.

   An hour later, I was pulling into the parking lot at Carson's new apartment. Everything I'd been feeling at the house was still weighing on me, but I took in a deep breath, just wanting to be happy to be there now. Kaden and Rylee and I were meeting there to see it, and hang out. Excited wasn't even the right word.

   "Wow, it so big!" Rylee yelled, skipping around the empty apartment.

   It was actually a small apartment, but mostly empty, so it felt big, especially to her. The walls were all beige and to me it felt like new beginnings. Rylee had brought a few Barbies and was happily playing on the hardwood floor, a few minutes later.

   Carson showed Kaden and I the rest of the apartment - the small kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom. There were two blankets and a pillow on the floor in the bedroom, I noticed when we peeked in. 

   "Did you actually sleep on the floor last night?" Kaden asked, surprised.

   "Dude, I don't have anything yet," Carson answered, looking slightly embarrassed.

   "I'm calling my mom. She has that big house with so much stuff. She can -"

   "You want your mom to donate things to me?" Carson asked.

   Kaden laughed. "Yes. She's got like three bedrooms full of mine and Dane's stuff."

   While Kaden walked away to call his mom, Carson kept his eyes on me. He was waiting for me to say something, I knew that much. His dark eyes were so big and curious. He was wearing a black hoodie and his hair was kind of messy. I didn't love the idea that he'd slept on the floor the night before, either.

   "You have your own place," I said to him, plainly, like this wasn't a big deal.

   "I do," he smiled.

   "How does it feel?"

   "Scary. But good." He reached for my hand.

   "It feels good, that we're here, together," I told him, smiling back.

   He pulled me closer, his arms going around my body. "Yes, it does."

   I kissed him quickly, but Rylee was running towards us a moment later. She was soon grabbing at Carson's hand, and his arms dropped again. 

   "Play Barbies?" Rylee asked him, her little eyes looking up at him.

   "Of course, let's go," he told her, smiling at me before wandering off again.

   I loved watching him with her. I loved how he used silly voices and really engaged in the play. It was so amazing and real and made me feel good, all the way through my body. He knew how much I loved Rylee, and he made her - and Kaden - important to him, too.

    A while later, the plans were made to get some things from Kaden's mom's house, the next day. She had some end tables and a small desk, along with an arm chair that she was more than willing to part with. I could tell Carson was appreciative, though he was definitely surprised.

   "Dude, are you serious?" he asked, after Kaden announced the news from the phone call.

   "I told you, she has so much stuff she doesn't need. She's happy to give it away," Kaden laughed. "Plus, she'll get a kick out of seeing you again after all these years."

   "Kaden, your mom hated me," Carson said, quietly.

   I remembered - she didn't hate him, but she wasn't a big fan. Kaden's mom was sweet and nice to everyone, but Carson rubbed her the wrong way. It was probably the fact that she found out he took my virginity when I was fifteen. Kaden had let that slip, which truly embarrassed me at the time. But Kaden's mom - even before Rylee was born - loved me.

   "That's why it's funny," Kaden laughed again. "Anyway, Rylee, we have to get going."

   "Nooooo," the little girl whined. "I want to stay at Carson's."

   "Kid, he has no where for you to sleep," Kaden told her, then grinned in my direction. "It's almost bedtime."

   "Carson, you need a get a bed, okay?" Rylee told him seriously, collecting her Barbies from around the room.

   "Yes, I will," he replied, just as serious.

   When they were gone, the apartment felt so quiet. And empty. We were left alone, for real, for the first time. I took in a breath and held it, then let it out slowly as he began to talk.

   "You want to stay?" Carson asked, pulling me into his arms again.

   "You want your girlfriend to sleep on the floor?" I teased him, leaning my face into his shoulder.

   "Hey, I have some money saved, I just have to-"

   "I'm kidding. I'd sleep anywhere, with you," I finished, closing my eyes as he kissed the top of my head.