The song for this chapter is Lilith - Ellise.
*TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter contains themes of drugs. If this theme triggers you then please don't read on & stay safe!*
Celeste
Despite the whirlwind that the last few days had been, I'd never felt freer and truly myself.
The whole concept of me having to live up to a made-up legacy that had been forced upon me from Papa had been well discarded and thrown into the wind the minute Harry had sped down the highway towards Zayn's apartment for the first time with me accompanying him in the passenger side of his slick black Porsche. The minute the wind had hit my skin as he picked up exhilarating speed whilst we sped past every single vehicle on the road, I felt nothing other than absolute freedom coursing through my veins.
Harry and Zayn had made up after Harry's outburst when he walked in on Zayn and me asleep naked on the couch in the middle of the hotel suite. I understood Harry's feelings, however, I also strongly stood in my belief that Harry had no right to act that way and believe that he'd claimed some sort of possession over me. Like Zayn had said to him, I wasn't some object that he could claim and keep to himself. I was my own independent woman and I had complete ruling over my own life and my own decisions. Who I chose to sleep with was my decision and my decision alone.
I owed no loyalties to anybody other than myself.
Nobody could take that power away from me.
However, with all that in mind, the conversation that Harry and myself had in the smoking area of the hotel made me get a slight understanding of what thoughts and emotions were going through his head. I wish I could have understood what was going through my own head when it came to Harry, however, I couldn't have even begun to understand my thoughts prior to the discussion that took place after his outburst at Zayn and me. When I first encountered Harry when he tried to purchase my drinks Sinners, I felt absolutely nothing but resentment and disgust at his arrogance and the way he carried himself. After a few weeks of conversing with him though, I understood what he was seeking and that's what made me build up such a level of defensiveness with him as he tried to dig deeper and deeper into my irises.
Harry wanted every part of me.
All of the ugly parts. All of the grotesque sides.
That scared the fucking shit out of me.
The defensive wall was something that I had spent years building up; it was a mask that I wore in an attempt to try and protect every single part of myself that I had kept hidden in the depths of my core. It kept strong resilience at the slightest knock of the wall that occurred at the hands of Harry, but it was getting progressively more difficult to maintain the architecture of the wall as we got progressively more closer to each other physically and mentally. I tried to fight the feelings that were coursing through me but it was no use.
I'd never felt freedom or absolute truthfulness with myself until I met him. Every positive feeling that had coursed through me was in the face of danger with him. Zayn had played such a large part too, despite only knowing him for a few days. The three of us were like a toxic poison that was so highly addictive that the toxicity had become pleasurable and was something I craved. Harry's rage mixed with Zayn's impulsiveness and my mania was something that needed to be desperately avoided for anybody that faced our wrath. It didn't make sense to anybody on the outside looking in but it made perfect sense to us.
