Keeping Secrets: Baljeet X Buford

Chapter 10

His head felt stuffy. Everything hurt. From his head to his chest to the bottoms of his feet. His nose was blocked, his eyes felt swollen. He could hear the clock on his bedside table ticking quietly, cars going by on the street outside his window. His mother was moving around downstairs. She hadn't bothered to come up to talk to him. He hadn't expected her to. Maybe she didn't even know he was home. He had ran all the way back from the hall the play had been held in. For all she knew, he could have been hiding out at Ferb's house or something.

He was curled in the middle of his bed, dressed in only boxers. The room was dark, the only light coming from his open window as the half full moon shone. He sniffed and the sound startled him. God, he was out of it.

He'd only just stopped crying. He'd felt like the terrible pressure on his shoulders had been lifted, and then crashed back down on his chest. It was constricting, his heart beat was painful. Everything was out in the open now, he was no longer worried about people finding out. That had been a relief. And that had been the only good part of the situation. Everything else... was just horrible.

Buford stared out the window. He felt completely and utterly drained. So tired and weary. The crying had really worn him out, and now he was just empty. No more tears, no more happiness. Just sorrow, regret, anger. He was so angry at himself. This whole situation could have been avoided if he'd just said no in the first place. Instead he had dawdled. Gone through with it right up to the last moment. He'd probably hurt Baljeet just as much as he would have if he'd just done what Chris had said.

The streetlights outside were so dim they didn't block out the stars. Those were bright, winking at him almost mockingly. But then he'd remind himself that they were inanimate fucking objects and they couldn't mock him.

God, his life sucked right now.

What in the hell could he say to Baljeet? If the kid would even allow him to anyway. He was pretty sure Baljeet would ignore him for the rest of high school and then move away and never speak to him again. That's what played out in his head anyway. Awkward, tortured days of pretending he wasn't staring at Baljeet out of the corner of his eyes, wishing he could wind back time. Graduation. Being told by someone else that he had left. Never seeing him again.

He groaned and covered his eyes with his hand. There was no point in thinking about shit like that. It'd just make him feel worse. If that were even possible. God, he was so over dramatic. "Stop being such a fucking pussy," he growled to himself.

This went on for maybe half an hour. He wasn't sure, and he sure as hell wasn't watching the clock. Eventually, though, his door did open, and he sat up to see his mother standing there, illuminated from behind by the hallway light. She hesitated, watching him for a moment before rushing towards him and enveloping him in a hug. He was too stunned to do anything but sit there as she held him, but eventually incoherent babbling tumbled from his mouth. He wanted to ask why she wasn't angry at him. Why she was still with him. But he couldn't get it out properly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered in his ear, stopping his mumbling. He paused, listening. Why would she be sorry? There was a moment of silence before she spoke again. "I'm sorry for what he did to you. I'm sorry I left you with him. I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

"It's not like I told you," he managed, his voice gruff. Scratchy.

"No, Ferb did," she replied with a sad smile. Ah. So that's how she knew it hadn't been a consent thing. He vaguely considered having a go at Ferb for telling her but decided against it. It wasn't like he could afford to lose another friend at this point.

His mother pulled him back into a hug and rocked him tightly. It was a little awkward because he was a teenaged boy and she was so small compared to him, but she was his mother. He didn't feel awkward or self conscious, he felt at home. He felt safe. He felt comforted.