Battle of intentions

16. Feeling a bit stuffy

"I do not know the full story but all I know is you literally drive her to insanity. She hates herself, she speaks so horribly of herself. She told me she hopes her death comes sooner. How nicked does one have to be to say such words?"

"I won't explain myself to you or anyone else. I have not in the past, I won't do it now either..."

"Then I insist you leave."

"With pleasure, I've already warned you, I hope you do not take it with a grain of salt."

Annoyed, I questioned. "What have you ever done for her? As the loving over protective father you claim to be. What have you done for her?"

He huffed. "You assume her working for you was a lucky bet. Do not be ridiculous Armstrong! I pulled all the strings to have her off this disgusting plantation. Look at her, she is a beautiful, intelligent, lovely woman. Commits no adultery, respectful and kind. Other twenty-two year olds are going onto their third child but my daughter respects herself."

"Look how ridiculous you sound thinking you know her?" I laughed.

A bit chaffed, he fiddled with the stroll hat on his lap. "I do, I have watched her; her entire life."

"Yet, if I asked her whose her father? She would not point at you. If she is so intelligent why did you not take it upon yourself to educate her, to get her a better job than being a nanny. You really think very highly of yourself for doing the bare minimum—"

"Right, all you youngsters with no coloured kids act as if it's the easiest. I'd really love to see you have a coloured child and show them off at the balcony of the Buckingham palace with Princess Victoria and all your relatives present. When you've done that, you can gladly return to Marlborough and moralise me."

"Point taken."

I wouldn't, in all honesty; I wouldn't dare try. I'd probably die of shame before yet alone revealing, I found black women attractive. I'd probably fake my death and leave town. My ancestors had certainly done me a great favour knowing I could not stay away from black women, being infertile was for the best. In such a situation, most were cowards. William and Austin seemed unbothered by the attention they received, most never ending looks of disgust from people. I could never live like that. Being with a black woman was like giving up any privilege you have and sharing her burden with her. I was kind but never to that extent. To have people spit at me, call me names and shame me for being with whom I wanted? Sounded brave in context but not in the practicality of it all. Knowing my family, it did not matter if I wanted to be disowned or not. They would behead her without a second thought. For goodness sake, my family inbreeds. I can not be with a commoner what's worse if they're different. It would just raise havoc. Anna was middle class but she was white. What more below the food chain and black? They would never have that. I could hear my uncle Wilfred giving me a lecture and his wife Vivian comforting my mother. It wasn't a great scene. It was then I raised my head and found her looking at me with the most dismayed glare. I was sitting next to a man she had despised for so long, granted none of this was right.

"I see you've met Sir Gerry Wickham." Lady Martha approached us.

"I most certainly have." I gave her a calm smile.

"He was one of Gallaghers good friends!"

"Don't lie on my behalf Martha, you know that old geyser did not like me."

"He did not like everyone but I'd say he liked you a tad bit and that makes all the difference."

"Mhm.." He hummed unconvinced.

"Please excuse me."

I strolled around the polo ground, hands in my pockets. I wasn't so sure, I even wanted to be in this place. Everyone seemed nice and had been very accommodating but I'd much rather be back home doing what I did best. The biggest part of me did not want to disappoint her. Another part of me felt her aunt was feeding her with hateful memories that only resulted in her unhappiness.

"You're making everyone worried strolling around in that manner."

I grinned, turning around to watch her look at me with a scowl. I still have her a smile. She had finally decided to speak to me.

"Never listen to anything Sir Gerry says, he is a drunkard."

It was suddenly clear why she was here.

"I see..."

Crossing her arms, she huffed. "You two seemed to have heard a nice conversation."

"We did." I added. The more I replied with no information it seemed to make her anxious. She did not want to make it obvious but I could see through there whole facade of 'I do not care.' For the first time she widened her eyes with expectance. I wished she'd do that more often than constantly lowering her eyelids in an attempt to hide those big blue orbs of hers. I founding myself growing fond of them.

"...I..uh..well...uhm just thought to tell you he is a drunkard and he never makes any sense. He is mental, if I were you I wouldn't want to be associated with—" I had to cut her off. Noticing the stares of disapproval I was receiving from everyone in the polo ground. Sophisticated men and women all hinting each other to look at Nora and I. It didn't seem to sit well with me. I had an image to hold up and this was certainly something I should never be caught doing. Casually speaking to a nigger. Some meetings belonged in the bedroom and no where else. I realised, I was never to be seen alone with her unless there was a valid reason.

I cleared my throat. "I can not speak to you right now."

She didn't understand then looked around and noticed the eyes and whispers. There it was 'Lord Hugh Armstrong occasionally talks to a negro girl during Marlborough visit!' Headline, scheduled for tomorrow I was sure.

I grabbed an empty glass of whiskey and handed it to her. Then continued to removed my coat and laid it in her hands.

"I'd appreciate another glass thank you for offering. Feeling a bit stuffy, do hold onto my coat for the rest of the game. You may leave my sight." I then turned to a man who was passing by. "These niggers never seem to catch a hint."

He chuckled in response. "Well my Lord, what can we expect from niggers. They can not even think properly without a whip."

I laughed. "Certainly—"

She looked insulted but nonetheless did as I asked. Watching her walk away without a word, I feel displeased with myself but I knew it was the right thing to do.

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