My Blossoming Redemption

THIRTY-FIVE

Only in desperate times would the prayers come, like any normal human being might. But since Joel's death it's all come back, is that because I'm in an internal crisis? Is it that I really do believe?

Probably the former, but it strikes me as strange that my mind turns back to my upbringing when something like this happens.

"I finish work in four hours. Why don't you come over and get yourself out of the flat?" he suggests. "I promise you, Aspen, I've only been trying to allow you time to grieve."

"I love you," I whisper.

He chuckles lightly. "I love you too, my daisy. I just didn't want you to think I was trying to rush you out of your right to grieve for Joel."

"I get it, I just... I thought you may have been pushing me away. You know... there are loads of reasons to. I wouldn't blame you—"

"Aspen, I'm not pushing you away, I promise. I'm sorry, I've been at work, and I thought you would want some space. Look come over when I've finished work, okay?" His voice is reassuring, and it's enough for me to heave a sigh.

"Okay, I'll see you later," I say.

"Hey, I love you," he says.

"I love you too," I respond, a small smile breaking out. The doorbell rings and I fly out of my seat. "I better go."

"Bye," he says before hanging up.

I rush to the door, half-expecting my mum to start, but instead, I see the rough and grief-stricken ghostly faces of Monica and Summer.

"Come in," I say automatically.

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They sit harbouring cups of coffee; it's clear they haven't had decent sleep since it happened, and I feel them on every level. I know as two pairs of red-rimmed blue eyes stare at me, they're confused why I don't share the same devastation they do.

"How are you both?" I break the silence, knowing it's a stupid question.

"Broken," Monica mutters. "How're you doing, Aspen?"

"I can feel your judgements oozing across the table, Monica, so I'll come out with it. I'm sad. I'm hurt because he didn't deserve what happened. But you know what? He's at peace. You both saw how he was – the pain, the numbness, the stiff joints, the seizures... at least now he doesn't have to live through it getting worse and worse to the point he couldn't function."

Summer nods, and when her eyes meet mine, I know she agrees. "I just... he won't get to meet his child."

"You're keeping it?" Monica scoffs. Summer nods, so Monica continues. "I pray neither of his children goes through this."

She glances at me, and we both know she's using the religious tone on purpose. She isn't going to get to me, though. I don't understand her sudden disdain for me. I suppose after Joel and I separated, there was no reason for her to be nice anymore. Now he's dead, I suppose she can blame me for it, even though it's not my fault.

"It's all I have left," Summer cries.

"It's... it's your choice," I manage. "I know you might think I don't care or that I'm not mourning. The fact is, I grieved for Joel when this happened. When I heard about Frank and what he went through, when I watched Joel struggle with everything, and when I saw and researched how bad it could get, I mourned. I actually prayed he wouldn't have to live through that and while it's a little... sadistic, I guess... I'm in a way glad he doesn't have to. I'm so sad, I'm so... broken for you both, and hurt for me because, despite our differences, Joel was a great man."