To Suffer With

Chapter Twenty - Three - Who I Am

"So you're not going to tell me," I reply entirely unsurprised.

Roman doesn't respond instead his attention passes from me focusing on the dark road ahead of us. I play with the hem of my golden dress considering the many reasons we might be meeting with Alpha Kane and Alpha Brandon. Each reason seemed to be worse than the next. Maybe Roman didn't want to tell me because they were here to convince Roman to turn me. That thought more than anything else terrifies me. My entire personality had been built around being human, fighting for humans I didn't know what would be left of me if I no longer had that.

Roman's hand encloses around my own stopping my endless fidgeting, "If I had known a simple dinner would terrify you this much, I would have left you at home."

"Its not too late," I say hopefully.

"But then again," Roman muses, "facing your fears seems important. Besides you being so nervous and skittery is sure to soothe Brandon and Kane's ego though its offending mine. How come you were never this nervous around me, I've been told I'm more terrifying than both Brandon and Kane."

"Because I know you would never hurt me, you couldn't hurt me," I say, at least I hoped he couldn't, "and I was terrified of you when we first met if that makes you feel better."

Roman laughs as if the memory of our meeting was amusing to him. Well, I'm glad one of us got some enjoyment out of it. "Scared yes, but I also remember you being rather defiant for a human at least."

"I was sure I was going to die I wasn't going to waste my last few moments grovelling. Nothing I said would have stopped you from killing me."

I pull my hand from Roman's the memory of our meeting bringing up all those unpleasant memories I had tried so hard to bury. I could still see Jo's body in front of me, still feel the stickiness of her blood on my hands as if no matter how much I washed my them they would never truly be clean. I had learnt a long time ago that death was a natural part of life and the risk of letting someone get close to you was knowing that you might one day lose them. And I had lost a lot of friends over the years. So many that I stored the memories of them away in a box in my mind that I refused too ever open. It definitely wasn't the healthy way to cope with grief. My mum used to say when it came to grief the only way out was through, but I think if I tried to go through it, it would kill me like it killed her.

"Al," Roman says in tone so gentle I can't believe its come from him.

I shake my head willing the traitorous thoughts away, "I'm fine its just," I pause here turning my body towards Roman, "that day when you found out I was your mate. That you were stuck with me, a human, a rebel human you were disappointed right? I mean you never even wanted a mate and you got stuck with arguably the worst match for an Alpha werewolf. You must have considered rejecting me, I mean I know its an insult to your beloved moon Goddess but be honest you thought about it right?"

"This has really been bothering you hasn't it?" Roman responds effectively dodging the question.

"That's not an answer Roman," I snap back at him, starting to get irritated at his refusal to answer a single question.

Roman gives me a sidelong glance before shaking his head, "No."

I'm not sure if his answer is an agreement to my last statement or the original question I had posed.

"No?" I repeat in question.

"No, I didn't consider it and I wasn't disappointed," Roman elaborates.

I glance at him suspiciously unsure if I believe his words. Though Roman didn't seem like a liar and I definitely couldn't imagine him lying to spare my feelings.

Roman meets my gaze and laughs at my expression, "You really are needy tonight, aren't you?" he comments with an amused smirk.

"Shut up," I snap at him turning from his gaze to glance out the window, "its just sort of hard to believe."

"Al as far as I'm concerned you exhibit all the qualities necessary to be the Luna for my pack, there's no reason for me to be disappointed," Roman tells me sounding strangely sincere.

"You don't even know me though," I point out.

I don't know why I feel the need to argue with him, I should just take the compliment and leave it at that. Its just I want to believe him and at this point I don't.

"Hasn't anyone told you that actions speak louder than words and I've seen your actions Al. Your irritatingly loyal which will serve the pack once I manage to extend that loyalty away from your precious resistance to the pack. I figured that out ten minutes after meeting you, you would have died for the resistance without a second thought. Which makes you courageous and strong too, another two qualities that will serve you well as Luna. You're empathetic and you'll fight for people, fight to make things better even if that means you have to suffer. You think that I would be disappointed to find out a resistance member was my mate but that might be the only type of human I could tolerate as my mate. I don't agree with the resistance and I definitely don't like them, but I can respect them. Respect the kind of courage and conviction it takes to be willingly to die to free your own kind from our control. Even if they're doomed to fail."

I study Roman as he speaks surprised by the honesty in his words. I'm not sure what to make of his words part of me feels touched by the way he sees me while the other part feels sick to the stomach because I know he's wrong. If any of that were true I wouldn't hesitate at the task in front of me, wouldn't continually question whether I should kill Roman and just get on with it. But I was weak and would never be fit for leadership because I would always be unable to make the hard decisions. Any old idiot could die for what they believe that wasn't the hard part. The hard part was deciding the ends did justify the means and living with yourself afterwards.

"I'm not anything special. I'm just a girl who lost her family and needed a new one. Needed something to hate so I didn't have to feel anything else," I whisper, unwilling to look at Roman.

"Wolves need packs, need that connection more than anything else. Our pack makes us strong. Its why our ultimate punishment is exile not death. To be alone without a pack is a fate worse than death. Rogues are weak, broken things unable to cope with what they have lost. They turn feral and hostile, determined to bring vengeance upon the pack that cast them out. You lost your family; your pack Al and you were lucky enough to find a new one and despite what you say you haven't turned feral with hate. Because if you had you wouldn't be able to see me as anything other than the monster you've conditioned to believe I am."

Roman takes my hand into his giving me another gentle squeeze trying to comfort me with his touch. Strangely it seems to be working. Maybe he was right about me, maybe he was wrong. I honestly didn't know anymore.

"I don't like this," I say to him finally turning to face him, "you being nice it makes me feel very uncomfortable," I clarify at his quizzical look.

Roman laughs that infectious light laugh that seems to ease the dark atmosphere surrounding us. "Right next time you're acting strange and needy I'll continue to upset and annoy you."

"Yes, that would be preferable," I say with a laugh of my own.

Its only then that I notice the car has stopped. We're outside a small restaurant near the centre of the city. A few people are walking through the street but its strangely quiet. I jump out of the car trying to ease the nerves that have decided to return in force. Roman comes to stand beside sending me a reassuring smile that does little to make me feel better.

"Ready?" he questions me.

*** 

Hi all, 

As always I hope you enjoy this chapter.  I know its a little short and I apologize for that. Anyway don't forget to vote and comment if you're enjoying it so far. 

A big thanks to everyone reading.