4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter twenty two.

"I think that it does play a big part in it - now that I think about it," she admitted. "I hadn't thought about it in that way before... but I guess that it always gets worse when there's things going on that makes me feel like it's all out of control." Taylor watched Charlotte nod.
"What sorts of things make you feel out of control?" Taylor sighed- the list was endless.
"I guess it's when all of these little things happen and they all build up to be something that is just... so overwhelming. The last few weeks have been so... hectic. Thea started school, meaning that the level of control I have is less. Not in an... not in that sort of way... but I feel like I don't have any power when it comes to protecting her when she's not here. I have no control over the situations that are thrown at her without me there. I can't protect her. That's... I am always so scared that... that Adam is going to do something. And I know that's stupid because he's in prison now and he can't get out... but it's one of the biggest fears I've ever had." Taylor felt the tears prick her eyes. "I hate that I can't protect her when she's not at home. How am I supposed to know if she's okay? How am I supposed to know if something goes wrong?"
"Unfortunately, these are the fears that come with being a mom," Charlotte told her softly. "I remember, when Pippa first went to school - those first few days were painful. I sat on the couch and stared at the clock, waiting until it was time to pick her up. Because, as you say, I didn't know what she was doing. We've gone from watching every single thing they do, panicking if they fall, if they hurt themselves or climb too high... to having to step back. It's alright to feel anxious about her when she's not at home." Charlotte paused. "But you don't have to listen to the thoughts your mind is telling you. Thea has lots of people looking out for her, Taylor. She's got all of her friends and teachers. It's unfortunately a part of growing up. We can't stop them from getting hurt, we can only help them to pick up the pieces again." Those words hurt - but they were true. "Because Thea is going to get hurt - but we all get hurt. And we never know who is going to hurt us. Because you were hurt, Taylor. But you're still here. You had people to help pick up your pieces and now, you're thriving. The important thing isn't that Thea doesn't get hurt, it's that you help her learn that she's got to get back up and try again."
Taylor pulled her knees into her chest. It was emotionally draining, talking about these things.
"And worrying about Adam isn't stupid - it's not silly at all. I know that is a big worry of yours, but once again, it all links back to the fact that you don't have to listen to everything your mind tells you. I'm bringing out the cliche phrases a little bit here, but if your mind tells you that jumping off a cliff is the best thing for you and your family, you are most likely going to shut that thought down. It's just like that for all of the other thoughts too. Just because your mind convinces you that Adam is going to return and hurt your daughter, doesn't mean that you have to believe it. Logically, it isn't possible. But it's your anxiety making you believe that he will know which school, which classroom, which house you live in. And that stems from your past experiences with him, which we don't need to discuss today. Would you say that is the fear that makes you feel most out of control?"
Taylor nodded. "It's... it's always on my mind. Not being able to protect the people I love or control what... what happens to them is something that makes me feel out of control. I just wish that, sometimes, and this is going to sound so mean, but sometimes I do really wish that I didn't love everyone so much! It's exhausting, constantly worrying about them." Taylor laughed. "And I guess that whenever I hurt myself... it's something I can control. I can control the hurt, I can control every part of it. And we I decide not to eat... once again, it's something I can control. But it's a lot harder for me to starve myself at the moment because I'm... I am pregnant. Which worked great for me in terms of wanting to eat because I wouldn't want to do anything that might hurt that baby... but this pregnancy it's almost like my mind is ten times louder. It's harder this time. And I know that makes me sound like a terrible person."
"That certainly doesn't make you sound like a terrible person, Taylor. You're just a person with a mind that's not being very kind to you. That's all. Eating disorders are the most common way of people trying to gain control when it's all going wild," Charlotte told her. "You're not alone in wanting control over things in your life. What we need to try and focus on, is finding you another way to help you cope. Something that you can have control over - but isn't hurting you. What about gardening? That way, you're completely in control of the plants - and I think that it would be a nice things for Thea to do too. Or painting? Is there anything else you like doing that gives you the same feeling? What if instead of hurting yourself, you sat down and focused on breathing? That way, when you're sitting there, you are only thinking about breathing. You're focusing on breathing deeply and continually, which is another thing you can control. We need to try and find something else that allows you to feel in control." Charlotte smiled, and Taylor sighed. She'd tried so many things, but nothing worked as good as hurting herself. Or not eating.
"The only other thing that helps me to feel in control of something... is when I play the piano." Taylor admitted softly. "When I sit at the piano and play - it all just fades into the background. Because I'm in control of the keys, I'm in control of it all."
Charlotte nodded. "Alright. Let's give that a try for a week - until I next see you. Whenever you feel like things are getting out of control or you feel that inkling to hurt or skip eating, you go to the piano for a while."

Taylor was with Charlotte for two and a half hours. And by the time she closed her laptop, she was absolutely exhausted. More tired than she'd thought she'd be... because talking about the things that she'd been feeling was tiring. She didn't know why she hadn't made the connection between her bad habits and her longing for control before - because it all made so much more sense now. Taylor sat in the chair for a little bit longer, her head in her hands. It was all exhausting. Life was exhausting. Everything was just always happening so fast and she just wanted it all to stop. It was like she was struggling to keep up with everything. She sighed when her phone started vibrating on the table, and saw that her Mom was ringing her.
"Hey, Mom." Taylor couldn't help but sound deflated. "How are you?"
"I just wanted to check up on you," Andrea said and Taylor closed her eyes as she sunk back into her chair. "How have you been feeling? Are you still feeling sick?"
Joe and Taylor had told both of their families that they were expecting - but they hadn't announced that they were expecting twins yet.
"I'm okay. I've... it's been a tough couple of weeks," Taylor told her with a shaky breath. "So... yesterday I phoned up Charlotte and asked if I could start talking to her again."
There was silence for a moment too long. "It's that bad? Honey, you could've told me and I would have come and helped you... do you need us to look after Thea for a couple of days? She could come and stay for a while - Kitty would love that. Do you and Joe need a little break?" Taylor smiled. Her Mom was the best. "Oh, I wish that I could give you the biggest hug right now."
Taylor closed her eyes, because she really did too. There was nothing like a hug from her mom, and she often found herself wanting one. Her mom had this certain way of hugging her - and she still smelt the same way she always had... and sometimes Taylor just wanted a hug from her.
"I know, I wish I could hug you too. Sometimes I wish that you were hear all the time." Taylor laughed. "But you'd get sick of me pretty quick, honestly. The last couple of days... I'm surprised that Joe is still here." She looked down at her nails, at the light purple nail polish that she'd painted on them for Thea's party. It was chipped now - and she knew she should just take it off completely. "I haven't been very fun to be around."
"I'm sure that's not true, honey." Andrea murmured through the phone. "Do you need to talk about it?"
"It's just been a little bit harder than usual. Talking to Charlotte has helped. She showed me a photo of her daughter - Pippa. You'll never believe it - she's so grown up now! The last time I talked to her, Charlotte had only just had her!"
"That's what happens every single time I see Thea!" Andrea laughed. "Those photos from her birthday were so beautiful! She's just so big now. I'm always here for you, honey. Any time you need to talk. Day or night. Even if you just need to hear my voice. I'm always here for you. No matter what. And regardless of how you think that the last couple of weeks have been - I'm proud of you."
Taylor bit her lip at those words. "Mom..."
"I always tell you this - but I am going to tell you again because you deserve to hear it, honey. You make me so proud. You never cease to amaze me. And even if the last few weeks haven't been too flash - I'm proud of you for waking up every day and facing the world. It's hard, honey. But you're doing so well and I get more and more proud of you every single day. I'm so lucky to be your Mom. Thea is so lucky to have you as her Mom."
Taylor couldn't even stop the tear from slipping down her cheek. "It's because I've learnt from the best, Mom."

"Hey," Taylor said as she found Joe sitting on the couch, Meredith sitting on his lap. "You look comfortable."
Joe looked up at her with a smile. "She's been sitting here for so long that my legs have fallen asleep."
Taylor sat down beside him, taking his hand. "Thanks for staying up."
Joe leaned over and kissed her, and Taylor smiled. "I wouldn't have gone to bed without you - and as soon as Meredith decides she's sick of me, I'll make hot chocolate. Did it go okay?"
Taylor nodded, softly stroking his hand. "I'm tired," she admitted. "But I think that it was helpful. We concluded that the reason why my... tendency to hurt myself or not eat is something that I do when I feel like things are all out of control. Which I hadn't thought of before. But it's an issue that I had talked to her about a long time ago... so we've got come strategies to try. I'm talking with her again next week and we'll see how they're going."
Joe kissed her forehead. He squeezed her hand. "You did it. I knew you could." He brought her hand to his lips. "You're on the right path to finding daylight again, my love."
Taylor looked over at him, smiled at the way his eyes sparkled in the light, and sighed.
He was right. She was on that path. It might be an uphill, excruciatingly slow trail - but she was putting on foot in front of the other and that was all that mattered.