The Landlord

Chapter 53

Despite that though, I expected some relief (at least because I finally revealed the truth). For the months of emotion and guilt, I figured there would be a sense of closure. But there wasn't. It just... it just did not feel like I did enough.

Blake was right about me. Though I felt I changed a lot, it wasn't enough – not for him and it wasn't enough for me at this point. I came forward with the truth because August was going to frame me; I didn't even do it because 'it was the right thing.' And that... that was embarrassing and shameful.

Those thoughts kept me sitting at my dining table at 1:30 in the morning. It was silent and dim, with nothing but the kitchen light illuminating the cigarette resting between my fingers. For how much I had dreaded the consequences (like losing my kids), all I could think about was how I needed to do better. How to become a better person. How to change the way my kids would look at me and maybe one day be proud of me.

Moving to the country, losing the money, the way of life... it changed my perception. It changed a lot of things for me. But there was plenty of ugly still in me that didn't change and needed to. I needed to be more independent. I needed to forget about myself and my desires. I needed to accept my reality – including the probability that Blake would not be part of it. And it would have to stay that way because I had to work on myself.

More things had to change to force me to get my act together. So, it was time for another to-do list. Grabbing a pen and paper, it didn't take long to sit back down and start it.

1. Buy a car

2. Get a job

3. Pay fines and rent

4. Save money

Sure, it didn't sound like much new. However, there was a condition to this list: no assistance from anyone. Even though Blake helped me grow, I relied too heavily on him. No help with rent, a job, anything. I needed to better myself. Wait, did that mean continuing AA though? Ugh....

5. Keep going to AA (and participate)

And then there was Blake. There was a voice in me, screaming for me to try to get him back, to include him on the list. It was an irrational selfish voice I had to tune out. I loved him so much, but he deserved better than what I could offer him and that was just... how it was unfortunately.

My heart was already so sore and living across from him would be torture. It would be a shared pain. Once I get a job, maybe I should move. God, the thought was devastating. One step at a time. I had to keep telling myself that: one step at a time.

Regardless of those steps, regardless of my quest in trying to be a better person, I still needed to contend with the divorce and custody dispute. The court date was coming. Though it would be the first of many, I knew it would bitch slap me with some overdue karma.

***

Today was the day. The day that could change everything. The day that I could lose my kids. I was dressed in slacks, a navy blue camisole, and a white button-up blouse, but I might as well have been wearing a straight-jacket. My chest felt constricted, which mirrored the stuffy small courtroom. It didn't help that dad's anxiety was also fairly high; he was sitting beside me, still rattled by the news that Blake would not be my witness today.

"I can't believe you told him not to come," he said, looking over his notes with frustration.

"If he showed up, I would be more worried about him joining Matt's side."

The only communication I've had with Blake was days ago. I sent him only one text (which he didn't respond to), explaining that I didn't expect him to come. Honestly, I was fine not having a witness. Though I would still try to win, it was my battle and my mistakes to face. I was serious about bettering myself. It meant growing up and owning up to everything without any mercy, any help, or any forgiveness.