Only Ash Remains [boyxboy]

Chapter VIII

"What about the other man?" Erin almost wished he could tell Levi about Ross. Maybe if the man stayed quiet long enough for Erin to explain, he might understand the boy's relationship. The only problem was, Erin couldn't be sure. And he didn't want to risk pushing away the only person he was truly comfortable opening up to all because the truth had slipped out. It was better than Levi just knew him as 'the other man'. He could be level then, rather than bias. That made it easier for Erin to talk, when he didn't feel so damn judged all the time.

"We've had sex three times since Monday," Erin muttered, praying for the guilt that he knew wouldn't roll around. It never did anymore, and that only made the boy feel all the more broken. He didn't feel much of anything anymore. Not unless he was with Ross. Then he felt everything. Happiness, safety, compassion. He felt alive when he was with Ross.

"But you haven't ended things with Jordan yet?" Levi settled down beside Erin, passing the boy his coffee and sipping his own. No judgement, Erin reminded himself. Levi never judged, he just talked. It made the boy wonder why he hadn't spent longer doing this. He didn't trust anyone else like he trusted Levi, maybe he saw him as a father figure, maybe a big brother, either way, Erin felt safe with him. Almost as safe as when he was with Ross.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Erin admitted, hearing the exhaustion in his own voice, staring down at the steam rising from his mug, "I agreed to keep things physical with... The other man but I know he doesn't want that," Erin thought of giving Ross some other name, just lying directly to Levi, but that ruined the whole point of talking. He was supposed to be being honest. Omission wasn't lying, it was just avoidance. Erin could cope with avoidance, he lived by it every day.

"And what do you want, Erin?" That was a question Erin had been asking himself ever since that first night with Ross. Maybe even before. He just couldn't find any answer. He could lie, he could say he just wanted clarity, he wanted a solid relationship, he wanted... Normality. But that wasn't it. There was only one word that came to mind when he heard that question, and it was the one word that he couldn't bring himself to say to Levi.

"I don't know," an easier option, no matter the ill truth, lies couldn't always be avoided, "I like being with him, with the other guy. I feel... Free, maybe? He's attentive, he doesn't just talk about himself, or sports, or work. I mean, yesterday we spent an hour just talking about our favourite colours. There were tangents and other conversations between but it started with that. With something so simple that, I don't know, became something beautiful," yellow. That was Ross' favourite colour. Not yellow like gold, or the sun, or anything like that. Buttercup yellow. Ross Towler, ex-convict and hitman, grinned like a five-year-old at the sight of buttercups.

"That doesn't sound just physical, Erin," it probably wasn't. Levi was right. Nothing was ever just physical with Ross and Erin. They hadn't even fucked last night when they met just after midnight. Jordan had been busy playing video games with his friends, Erin gave the excuse that he was going down to the store, then that he was stuck in traffic. Ross had met him in the parking lot, with the two of them just sitting in the back of the man's car, talking. Erin had been so engrossed in their conversation that he had forgotten all about Wraith sat in the driver's seat, reading silently, never even looking up from his book until the boy mentioned he needed to leave.

"Will you tell me what to do?" With Erin's own decisions clearly being pretty bad ones, it might have been time to listen to someone else. A third party, someone older who might actually be able to guide Erin onto the right path. He had two options, as always, and they were simple ones. Stay with Jordan, in a committed and stable relationship. One that left him terrified and miserable. Or take a risk. Tell Ross how he really felt, tell him that he didn't just want it to be physical, that he wasn't in it for the sex anymore. That he wanted more.