love to die for | mattia polibio

f i f t y f o u r

i had two months left with mattia, so i didn't have time to go to any protests, but they stormed on nevertheless, just like they had before i had joined, and i hoped from within the deepest chambers of my dulled heart that progress would be made, and nobody would ever have to experience the ordeals that mattia and i endured.

these days every happy moment came with a pinch of salt, every small laugh was a sharp impale into my ribs, and everyday the ache in the back of my mind became more and more aggressive, constantly screaming to be acknowledged, but time was a luxury that had never been so invaluable, and i didn't have a grain to waste.

the fall of dusk was a daily battle, as the nightmares had always followed soon after, and i was forced to become accustomed to seeing mattia's limp corpse and oil-black blood pooling around him the minute i closed my eyes at night.

i'd spring up violently from sleep every morning, an icy wave of relief soothing my burning flesh upon the discovery that i had been dreaming, just for a pulse of fatigue to push me back down against my mattress, my body physically exhausted from the energy it would take to escape the terrors and shackles of my ruthless mind.

that morning, my mom helped me get eliza ready, i was finally going to introduce her to her dad.

the thought of her in his arms alone made my skin buzz with a happiness so pure that i could feel it flickering in my eyes, the only feeling that wouldn't be erased by my constant fear of the future, and the deep sadness that inhaled me every time a second passed by that i wasn't with mattia.

i sat in the backseat and held her close during the drive there, bathing in her naturally youthful scent, listening intently to the sounds of her innocence, and trying to understand what it'd be like to have such little understanding. i became more and more fond of her, and the blissful tranquility that accompanied her presence.

eventually, we had arrived. we pulled in and i reassured my mom that eliza and i didn't need her to come in with us.

'thank you, though, mom, i'll see you back out here in a while.'

'i love you, honey.'

'love you too, mom.'

with that i closed the car door gently, unable to summon anymore strength than necessary, and hauled eliza's car seat towards the entrance, counting the steps and giggling at eliza's humming and gurgling as i followed the normal route that i would take.

soon enough, we were in the room.

nothing much had ever changed about the four foreboding walls since i had first visited mattia, it was always the same charcoal grey and the creaking of the lamp light still screeched endlessly, but the room felt smaller with our daughter in it, and i noticed a crack at the base of the wall across from me.

i was easily lost to the theories that had fabricated in my brain, for some reason i was deeply concerned as to how i had never noticed something so obvious in all the times i had been in the dreary room.

the realisation that eliza had fallen silent was the only thing that separated me loosely away from the spinning of my thoughts.

i turned slowly, matching the pace at which my earth was spinning at, and saw them together.

the stillness of their eye contact made me feel as if i was at an art gallery, staring at a painting, and i analysed the scene accordingly.

her head fell seamlessly into the crook of his arm, as if it had been carved out specifically to house her angelic crown, the way her eyes gleamed like newborn stars, and her cheeks were pools of pink syrup as the corners of her cherry mouth curled up into a playful smile.

the admiration in his expression was clear, his face softened tenfold, beaming down at her through glossy eyes and caressing her subtle silk curls with his serene, careful fingertips.

i watched in awe as they completed each other, giving each other so much joy that both of their complexions glowed golden, so bright that it almost blinded me, but nothing in the world would have been able to cast my eyes away.

the silence was broken by a high pitched laugh so soft that it slipped off her tongue like cream.

i gasped, exhaling a wisp of air upon realising that i had been holding my breath, and so had mattia.

i blinked slowly, attempting anything i could to store that picture in my mind for as long as i lived, believing entirely that nothing so beautiful would ever cross my eyes again.

'she's gorgeous.' mattia whispered, as if a volume any louder would shatter her fragile bones.

'she's us.' i whispered back, truthfully.

he forcefully pulled his eyes away from her, absorbing as much of her golden as he could before turning to me.

'come here.' he said, extending out his arm, offering me a place in the tiny heaven that they'd constructed from their energy alone.

i moved closer gratefully, like metal drawn to a magnet.

immediately, a sensation of infinite euphoria engulfed me, filling up my chest and spilling through to my thighs and fingertips, i swayed slightly at the excitement, unable to stay still as a result of the lightning and electricity that was shooting through my bones.

i moved even closer until the three of us were so close that not even air would be able to come between us, and at that moment, i was satisfied, and finally everything was going to be okay.

my shoulders loosened as the weights lifted off of me, and the tears that soaked the tender skin on my face were those of relief.

i came to terms with the fact that we weren't going to get our happy ending, but this moment was worth it, and nothing else mattered.