Battle of intentions

8. I dont remember

"I will go check on the baby, talk to him Oli."

With Catherine gone, Oli came close and whispered. "How was it? Be truthful."

"I don't remember."

"I know that's a lie, mate." Oli chucked puffing away on pipe.

"It was different."

"How different?"

"Tight, very tight."

"What did you expect from a virgin?"

"Look that's besides the point. She tried to fight me off but I held her down and took advantage of her. That's unacceptable, I couldn't even look at her in the morning. For some reason, I cuddled with her the entire night thinking it was my wife."

"The question is did you—"

"I didn't, I thought it was my late wife for goodness sake! Also are we forgetting something?"

"Oh, of course."

"We're not having this conversation right now." I hissed at him.

"You forgave Anna huh? Since you think of her so much as to rape an innocent girl."

"You don't just stop loving people even if they wrong you."

"Mate, I still  say you should have given Anna's parents that kid."

"In all honesty, I had contemplated it for a bit but that meant Nora wouldn't have a job. She'd return to those dreadful plantations. She takes great care of Lou too."

"Uhm assuming Nora is the nanny. Did you feel this way about her even before the deed?"

A smile crept on my lips, I turned to look around then back at Oliver. "She is an interesting person. She is so passionate about marriage, abstinence and all that jolly good girl stuff—" that's when I stopped.

"That is sad, isn't it?"

"It is." I replied knowing what he meant.

"I will apologise to her."

"It won't change anything, you're still the perpetrator. What made you even think that she was Anna?"

"All I remember is coming home a bit tipsy. Beatrice helped me up to my room or what I thought was my room then she told me Anna was back and she was waiting for me." I sighed loudly. "For some reason, I really really needed to hear that ever since her passing and I couldn't have been more happier. In the morning, Beatrice was just as confused, she said she never saw me that day. I must have been really drunk."

Oliver shrugged. "You should probably stop messing around with black women."

"I would, trust me if I could I would."

"You're the son of a Duke, this will only create a wild storm."

"Who will tell?"

"You really take enjoyment to being infertile don't you?" Oliver laughed. I hated that word.

"I never said I did."

"It's all I hate niggers until they're expecting a mixed child with blue eyes. Now you're caught red-handed."

"Right, too many of those stories going around."

"Happened to Benjamin recently. Met him at polo, he denied it not that I expected him to admit to it. He is a dimwit." The blessing of having a child was farther past my imagination. I still found it difficult to accept Lewis knowing he was not mine. More than anything it hurt knowing he was the reason for the death of Anna. It always stunned me when a man denied his child for racial reasons, as someone in my case who had caught on it early. There was a time when I was desperate, then came a time when I stoped caring. There was only so much I could do. I knew well enough that I kept Lewis to shield myself from being cast in society as weak and not man enough. He looked nothing like me and everything like Anna and her lover. I knew I'd never be able to have a child from what I had been told by my doctor and many that I had consulted in my hopelessness. It was very rare, he said it had been caused by my early underage smoking which I had tried cutting out here and there. I still recalled the day Anna finally threw it in my face that I was the problem and she wasn't because a man who was man enough had impregnated her. I did not have it in me to care for Lewis when his mother was so spiteful. I saw a lot of Anna in Nora the resemblance was uncanny but Nora was the kindhearted Anna that I'd never have. Perhaps Anna had always been kindhearted but my family and I had driven her to madness. I was at fault.

I was at fault in this matter as well. I remembered the eye Nora had given me that morning. I refused to look at her once I had realised, unlawful act I had committed. Dry tears and a torn dress, the white sheets  flawed with stains of deflowered purity. She carried Lewis around trying to calm him down from his morning tantrums. The atmosphere was different, I knew everything would change for the worse. All I could do was leave unable to stay in the web I had created.

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